


The Best Hands

by EmmelineKahuyan



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Bucky Barnes Remembers, Canon Divergence - Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Canon Divergence - Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Heavy Angst, Major Original Character(s), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Bucky Barnes, Psychic Abilities, Psychological Torture, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Slow Burn, Super Soldier Serum, Virgin Steve Rogers, lgbtq character(s)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-30
Updated: 2016-12-12
Packaged: 2018-08-18 14:44:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 29
Words: 82,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8165569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmmelineKahuyan/pseuds/EmmelineKahuyan
Summary: *** formerly "Of Bitter and Sweet"Allie is a physical and emotional empath, who had always looked up to Steve Rogers. With her new position as an administrative assistant, she has access to all the agents working there, including Captain America himself. She is the first operative with psionic abilities that Nick Fury has tasked to "crack the Triskelion." It's not as fast and exciting like the movies. There's lot of waiting, lunches, and fostering relationships. Being a spy is actually very close to a normal life, except for the cover, the dead drops and random strangers knowing code phrases and having to be constantly on guard. Oh, and there's the throwing up, feeling other people's ailments and emotions. But that part was always her life anyway.As truths come to light, Steve may be the only one that Allie can trust and vice versa. When she uncovers a defunct operation and other Plants within SHIELD, she becomes a target herself. Soon she sees how far the roots of the problem go and dicovers what Operation Gardener means for her and the world.





	1. Uncommon Sense

**Author's Note:**

> I plan to get this (first part) out before IW drops. 
> 
> (To be sure, the following story has NOT been UPDATED: 2/22/18)
> 
> Will post warnings on chapters as I post... :D

Allie Kershaw ducked her head watching her 8 and 4. She passed people but they “felt” fine. Just random normal people. She couldn’t feel anyone on her tail. She hadn’t showered in three days and her stomach was grumbling for something other than scrambled hospital eggs and bad coffee. She stayed at the Washington General ER to sleep. And moved to the next hospital on the list so no one got suspicious and read “Matilda” again until it was time to eat in the cafeteria. No one asked questions. Out in the open. So if Agent Hill tracked her, she could easily be found. But that also meant that whoever else that was after her could track her too. Hill got a hold of her two days ago. Allie was on the street when a man handed her a phone and walked away. Hill was on the other end. Allie was doing well. It would only be a few days now, maybe even one. She just had to make it till extraction. Something big was gonna go down but she was safer away from everything, she just had to wait and stay safe. She shimmied in her shirt and scratched behind her neck to feel the chain of the key. She had the key still. And her, she was important too. Because if they lost the key and the other key holder lost theirs, they still had her. And she was just as good as that ledger that SHIELD had in that old building. Every week at the same time on Friday she would enter an old business building. As far as she knew, someone would be close by in the same hall with their own key in a lock, allowing her access to the red ledger. More names would go on, along with their threat level. 

Allie walked by the bakery and smelled fresh cream puffs. She should keep walking. But… She peered at the door already ajar. She “felt” no danger, so she should be fine. It was a few hours till sunset and she had to be in the Kaiser on Capitol Hill and eat and read and sleep, all the while coughing every so often. Just another patient with the flu or some other nondescript illness waiting to be seen. And these were fresh cream puffs. Allie deserved a few or a dozen, dammit! And walked in the shop.

She made a note to get some cakes next time, or one of the whoopie pies as she walked on down the street with her bag of cream puffs. Her mouth watered at imagining the buttery aroma and mouthfeel of the red velvet one she had her eye on, or the mocha cake, her favorite kind of flavor for birthday cakes when she was younger. She sniffed inside the bag, the sweet eggy cream and the flakey pastry. She wrung the bag closed. She’d eat these with dinner. Hopefully Kaiser had something delicious for dinner in the cafeteria. Or just anything but watery scrambled eggs that neither Mrs. Dash or salt could save. 

She made her way across Frederick Douglass Bridge. About a mile away from the hospital now. Maybe she’d run into some of her parent’s co-workers. They might even give her extra food or apple juices and stay in their break room for a change. A woman passed by, a stern look plastered on her face and slapped a phone in her hand. Allie sighed. Yes! 

“Hello?” Allie grinned. 

“Hello, sweetheart,” the voice crooned. And Allie’s stomach dropped. Her hands were shaking. She looked around. Before he could say more, Allie threw the phone on the ground and bolted. It was 5 in the afternoon and noticed there was no one in sight. No cars, no people, not even a fucking pigeon. They wouldn’t pull anything with people everywhere, would they? But the streets in her immediate vicinity were completely deserted. She was definitely fucked. She wanted to stand still to feel if they were close, feel where she should go and be safest. But her abilities didn’t work that way. They were pretty much useless anyway, a glorified human lie detector basically with minimal psychic abilities that amounted to bringing umbrellas on sunny days that had surprise downpours. Telekinetic abilities would be so much better to have. She chewed her lip as breaths struggled to make their way out of her. She’d been planning to get a refill on her albuterol but she kept forgetting. She wheezed once before a hard leather-clad chest hit her back. A hand clamped over her mouth and a cold metal arm squeezed around her belly. She wheezed long and hard two more times before everything went black.

 

FOUR MONTHS EARLIER 

 

Allie took a deep breath at the glass behemoth that was the Triskelion. How would this even work? She wriggled her hips in her new dark grey pencil skirt suit. And wiped the sweat from her palm on her thigh. “Dammit!” She looked down at the wet splotch on her otherwise pristine outfit. Maybe no one would notice. But if she was here to impress people, she was already off to a bad start. She didn’t even know anyone on the inside. This wasn’t gonna work. But she’d be really mad at herself if she didn’t try. 

She took a few clacky steps forward before reaching security and metal detectors. Everyone had a badge, even visitors. Her stomach clenched. Would she even be let in? This was stupid. 

She already felt hot and cold as people walked around. Her insides clenching and unclenching again and again. She was drawn to a svelte man in an impeccable suit. It was like hearing someone talking to you. She “heard” it in her head. This man killed his girlfriend’s dog. And he didn’t even feel guilty about it. Allie glared at him, trying to remember his face. They could deal with him. SHIELD cared about shit like that right?

The security guard held his hand up to her and frowned. “State your business here.”

Shit. She peered around and found everyone walking like they had somewhere to go and a woman with a short light brown hair cut with black, thick-rimmed glasses just like hers. She felt warm and open. She would definitely be an in. If only Allie could get to talk to her first. 

“Miss?”

“I’m looking to see if there are any open positions.”

“Referrals only. No outside inquiries.”

“Umm… yes.” He didn’t have to be a dick about it though. She paused to feel for him. He was good. Just doing his job. He was still a dick though. 

“Everyone quiet!” Allie looked to her right. A dark haired woman in a short cropped cut wagged her finger at ten high school students. “I want you all on your best behavior while we’re here.” They were led through the metal detectors and were in. 

“If you have no business here, miss. We kindly, ask that you leave,” he glowered. 

Allie nodded and promptly left. If Steve Rogers was there, she could say she was at least in the same building as Captain America. But she didn't even get in. Didn’t even get a glance at him. She wasn’t just doing this to see him. And this strange feeling that they could be friends even. They just had to meet and work together somehow. She was doing this for way more than a crush. From the “whiff” of the building itself, she knew there were people there with less than noble intentions for sure. And they could find a way to get them out. SHIELD probably had no idea what they invited into their own walls. 

She walked and walked. Maybe she could pose as a high school student and walk in with the group. And then tell them what crap security they had. She chuckled. This was a government agency. Would that even work? She could just try. Or not. 

She found a row of shops and restaurants still in view of the Triskelion. Maybe some agents came in and she could get an in with them or befriend them. She squeezed her hands and focused on the shops. Which one would be her money choice? She calmed her thoughts and softly glanced at the coffee shop, the ritzy place with the wood paneling and foliage crawling all over the walls, the sandwich shop she’d never heard of, or the healthy juice bar. She thought she got something off the sandwich shop but she wasn’t personally feeling a sandwich. And she didn’t want to risk any more money going to the fancy place. Fuck that. She groaned, rolling her eyes and walked into the coffee shop. 

She took a deep smell of the shop, oolong tea and espresso beans. Beautiful smells. She looked over the menu and decided on a black sesame lemongrass latte. There was a chance there was no actual coffee in there, like a green tea latte and all that. She got hers iced because it was unseasonably hot for December that week and sat on the couch. 

Allie slurped at the last stubborn drops at the bottom of her delicious latte. Suits were coming in and out but if they were SHIELD employees, she couldn’t sense it. She was far too excited to tell if she simply felt what she wanted to feel or if her abilities were actually telling her something. They probably took off their badges right before they left for work so no one would be able to use their badges to get in for nefarious reasons. Ha! 

Allie looked up in shock to see the woman with the light brown hair cut. She looked to the side and gave Allie a nice shot of the black, thick-rimmed glasses. Bingo! Allie grinned and almost stood. How many times did someone try to befriend this woman just to try to get a job? No, she couldn’t be that person. She wouldn’t be that person. But she waited all this time for an opportunity and then she wasn’t gonna do it? 

“Here you go, Sandy,” smiled the barista, placing a to go cup on the counter. 

Sandy grinned and started to walk to the door. But turned her head in Allie’s direction. Allie had been staring too hard at her the entire time. Shit! Allie looked away as nonchalantly as she could and sipped at the air in her cup. 

“Miss?” She waved her hand at her and wriggled her wedding band at Allie. “I saw you looking. I’m married.”

Oh, she thought… “Oh! I’m not gay! I was…”

She clucked her tongue and snapped her fingers. “Damn! I thought I was gonna have an interesting story to tell my wife. ‘Hey hon, a cute girl was checking me out.’” She giggled. 

Allie grinned. “You think I’m cute?” No one called her cute before. 

“Hon, if I were thirty years younger and single. You wouldn’t have been the only one staring.” She winked. 

“I was staring because I saw you at the Triskelion.”

“Oh, do you work with us?”

She shook her head, looking down. “No.” Wasn't this her chance? “But I want to.”

Sandy grimaced and looked at her form. “Like as an agent? Kinda small.” 

“Honestly I don’t know. I’m sure you get people coming up trying to get you as an in all the time.”

She shrugged. “Not often. But too often.”

“Sorry. I guess I’ll see you around.” 

Sandy sighed. “The truth. Why SHIELD? Why the Triskelion?”

Allie’s eyes bugged out. “It’s completely unprofessional.” Then she couldn't help but glare at her a little. “And I always tell the truth.”

“Spill.”

“My chances of meeting Steve Rogers goes up exponentially.”

Sandy guffawed. “Well if you want to meet him I can definitely arrange that.”

Allie gasped and swallowed. She grasped around in her bag and took a puff of albuterol. She shook her head. “I want to make a difference. I feel like I could do that at the Triskelion.” I can do things. I can do things. I can feel things. I can feel things. “I feel like I can ensure the right people are where they are.” Because y’all aren’t doing a very good fucking job right now. She grinned. 

Sandy’s eyebrows shot up in disbelief and crossed her arms. But she was still sticking around. “Are you saying the wrong people are in SHIELD? Right now?”

“I’m saying most people can’t know if a person is fully trustworthy, fully good.”

“And you can do this somehow?”

“Yes.”

“Can you prove it?” No. 

“Yes.” She said with a straight face. It was a lie. Holy shit! She just said she always told the truth. It was true. She always did, just her mouth got away from her this one time. She’d apologize later anyway. And her people skills were 100% most of the time. But if she was too close to a situation other things would always interfere with her clear sensing. And there really was no way to show she knew a person’s intentions or if they were a murderer or a child molester or a double agent or whatever. Unless people believed and dug for it. Oh god. She was a fucking fraud. But she was already closer than she was the day before. She had to try. She’d be really mad at herself if she didn’t at least try. 

Sandy handed her her card. 

Allie squealed clutching the piece of paper. People looked at her funny but that didn’t matter. She took another puff of her albuterol.


	2. Allergies and Abilities

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slow going a bit. A lot of story stuff, etc.

Allie stared at the card, eventually leaving it on the nightstand. She shut her eyes and sighed. It was so quiet in the house without her parents. They could have waited for her to come back before moving to Portland for their retirement. They could have, but “that’s what Christmas is for!” She walked down the hall. Her parents left their clothes there just in case they were to drop by. She opened the cabinet and got one of her mom’s scrubs from a drawer. They had Kaiser Permanente stamped on the back. She chuckled. No, they weren’t supposed to take these home, not really. And yet here they were. She smelled the fabric, a mixture of their fabric softener and paper and ink. That night she used them as pajamas and would call her mom later, maybe for some good work news. She just had to call Sandy first.

 

____________

 

Buzz. Buzz. Buzz. 

“Mmm…” Allie blinked awake and touched her face to fix the glasses she forgot to take off last night. She grabbed her phone. ANONYMOUS. But maybe it was SHIELD or a telemarketer. 

Click. “Miss Kershaw?” She recognized the voice. 

“Sandy? You know my name? And my number?”

“This is SHIELD and you’re not very hard to find. Other employers might hesitate hiring you if they saw those pictures of you at Rosarito Beach.”

Allie shot up stick-straight. There were pictures of her in Uggs, laughing in a half-filled jacuzzi with red jello squares bobbing around. And one or two pictures of her on the beach in the pre-dawn hours in various states of undress. Shit! Fuck! Shit-fuck!

“Oh my god. I didn’t even think to take that stuff down yet.” She wiped her mouth up and down. “Shit!” Allie gasped. “I mean shit! I mean, I’m sorry. That’s so unprofessional.”

Sandy giggled on the other line. “I already know I’m going to like you.”

“I’m hired? Already?”

“No, no, no. At the very least we’ll be good friends. At the very least I will get you a meeting with Steve Rogers.”

Allie stopped breathing. Her chest hurt a little. She didn’t want to have to use her inhaler as much as she had been. She’d probably need a refill sooner rather than later too if all this recent activity ewere to keep up. She took a deep breath and tried to calm her heart and breathe out slow. 

“How about a very early dinner today? We’ll meet, discuss a few things, talk. A very casual interview and we’ll see where things go from there. Sound good?”

“Great!” Allie swung her hand out and thwacked the wall behind her. “Ah!” 

“Kabuki, by The White House. 4pm sharp.”

 

__________

 

Allie paced outside in another pencil skirt suit. This time, navy blue and brown kitten heels. She was well-prepared this time for the sweating. She brought a paper towel to hold between her hands. What if this was a joke? What if she was hallucinating her abilities? None of that was actually real. What if she couldn’t sense anything about anyone? She could at least tell Sandy that there were a lot of snakes in the SHIELD tree. That would still be something. That would be good enough.

Allie wriggled her fingers and dropped the paper towel. “Fuck a damn! Shit!” She had to stop cussing. This was a fucking job interview or whatever for chrissakes! Her chest was getting too tight. 

“Miss Kershaw?”

Allie whirled around and grinned at Sandy before grabbing her inhaler and taking two quick puffs.

They were seated near the back. 

“What’ll you have? I’m feeling lychee martini.” Sandy smiled flipping through the menu. 

Allie squinted at Sandy. Drinks? “I don’t know. I don’t think I could actually eat. I’m too—” She tossed down the wet and torn paper towel she'd been wringing on the table. 

Sandy placed a hand on her sweaty one. “Please, save your nerves for when you make it to the Director. Drink. Eat. I’m just here to "feel you out." Please excuse the strained double entendre. In fact, I insist you have some sort of drink to loosen you up. I’m here to get to know you, Allie.”

Sara, the waitress came by. They ordered one peach martini, one lychee, four orders of salmon sushi, two orders of yellowtail, the calamari and one order of the spicy tuna roll with crispy lotus on top and sweet sauce. 

Allie grinned at the food but asked for Sara to come back. “Miss, is this teriyaki sauce, pineapple teriyaki sauce?” 

Sara shook her head. “As far as I know, it’s not. Is there a problem?”

Allie glanced at Sandy. Here it comes, the look everyone gets when she talks about her allergies. 

“Well, I’m allergic to pineapple and I know some people like to make teriyaki sauce fancy with pineapple.” 

“Of course,” Sara said. 

“And is this tuna regular tuna, or is there some Albacore in it?” Allie grimaced. 

“Are you—”

“I’m allergic to albacore. Yes.”

“Any other allergies that I should ask the chef about?”

“Coconut. Milk. Peanuts.” Allie thought and smiled. “I think that’s it.”

And Sara was off.

A smug look made its way across Sandy’s face. “You must be fun to take on a date. Date might accidentally kill you before they even get a kiss.”

Allie rolled her eyes. “Ha ha! I really want to have a piña colada. But I can’t.” She whined. 

“Aww, you poor sweet child. What else are you allergic to?”

And Allie rattled them off. Dogs, cats, but only very sightly. She had a milk intolerance meaning she could have butter and ice cream, but no half and half and no glasses of milk with her cookies, dust, dust mites, and smoking along with stress exacerbated her asthma. And certain whey protein powders. 

“Sounds like you could have been real good friends with pre-serum Steve Rogers.”

Allie held her hand out. “Yes! This is why…" Allie looked down. “I like him. Umm… as a person.”

“He’s very cute. And a nice guy.”

Allie nodded. “I’ve heard.”

“So why not meet him and be done with it? Do you really need or want a job with us?”

“You have snakes within your walls. I’ve felt them.”

Sandy leaned in close. “Prove it.”

 

___________

 

After the meal. And another martini for Sandy, they took a short stroll around Pershing Park. Allie was real tempted to try The White House across the way but there was the chance she might find a “snake” too high up. Maybe the President himself. Small. Start small. Allie walked them to a park bench and sat. 

“I don’t really use it like this. I usually pass by or meet people and that’s how I sense things.”

“Any of these things ever come true? How do you know you can do anything at all? Sorry. I don’t mean to shit on your parade so to speak.”

“I didn’t feel any maliciousness in anything you said. You’re fine.” Allie concentrated on the different people but got nothing. A man in sweats jogged by them and she heard the wedding march. 

Allie nodded her head up to him. “That guy is getting married soon. Probably. I heard the wedding march in my head.” Allie thought a moment. “When I was 8. There was this really nice quiet kid and he would always give me his chocolate snack pack after I told him they were my favorite. Mom never let me have it because it was too high in sugar. Mom’s a nurse.”

“Of course,” Sandy replied, a grin in her voice. 

“So after school there was all this hullabaloo over this cute dad. Tall, blond, handsome. But when I got close, my lungs felt like they were being crushed. I was so confused. He was cute but I just… He made me feel horrible. He walked in the class one day and I heard something in my head tell me he beats his wife and kid. I found out later, he was snack pack kid’s dad. Over winter break I fell off a chair, excruciating pain in my shin. Parents had a fit in the emergency room. No one could find what was wrong with me. Snack pack kid disappeared for half a year. Turns out he broke his leg at the park.” Allie shook her head. “His dad did it.”

“So you can feel things too?”

“Not all the time. And I can’t sense all the time if I’m trying too hard. I lied. I can’t prove it. I’m sorry.” 

“Look at me and try it.”

Allie frowned. “More tests.” And turned to look at her. Laughter. Two little girls. A sister. A big white Husky or a Malamute. A big dark blue door and a fishing pole. She heard a motor roar and then visibly flinched at a loud boom and the sound of wood splintering. 

“You have a sister. I saw a big white dog. A nice big blue door. And I heard a motor and something hard hitting something. And a fishing pole.”

Sandy stared hard at Allie. “My uncle loved fishing. That big white dog was his. He suffered a stroke on the lake in his motorboat and hit the dock. Allistair, the dog, found him and led some people from town there. 

“Is he alright, your uncle?”

“Can’t you see that?” 

“No.” Allie shook her head. “I can’t see everything or know everything. It’s pretty useless really. It’s so hard to prove if anyone will listen at all. But if you get my gut and the pain I feel when I meet someone, that’s 100%. Most of the time.” She chuckles. “I can’t always tell you if they’re murderers or rapists or child molesters but it does happen. I just can’t do anything about it. But if I’m in SHIELD, I can tell you if they are trustworthy at least, if they belong.”

Allie grabbed her bag. She needed to get one of her Hello Kitty bandaids out. “Excuse me a minute.” And left Sandy to lean on a tree across the way. A biker wiped sweat off his brow and fell onto the pavement. Allie grinned wide eyeing his fresh but small gash, passing him the bandaid. She gave Sandy a thumbs up. Even if it was tiny, it felt real good to help someone.


	3. Officially Not Set in Stone

Three days passed and no word. No interview set up or anything. Okay. Maybe she did horribly. In normal job protocol, you’d have to wait a week before calling the interviewers back. But it wasn’t a real interview. The real interview had to be had first. They just drank and ate. It was so nice of Sandy to pay for the meal, or was it SHIELD? Regardless, it was no money out of Allie’s shrinking pockets. Just living off her savings while her parents were more than happy to take care of her utilities from all the way across the country, banking on her getting a job that at least paid for that and her basic necessities after graduating. 

She wanted to make a difference damn it. Something huge! Something to make up for Wallace. She sighed. Snack pack kid. Where was he? Where was his father? She could have told someone. What about his wife? Who would believe a kid telling an adult they got inklings about people and they were hitting their wife? No one. The kid would either be thought of as highly imaginative and/or lying. But now that she was older, she could do something. She would do something. 

Maybe she could have gone for something smaller. Be a cop or something. Or try to be a PI and solve crime and help people out that way. But she was tiny. Not even 5 feet tall. And she couldn’t really run after people like on the TV shows. At best she could be a damn fucking snitch. That’s it. And it was probably not even gonna happen. Ugh! 

Allie shoved her phone under the sofa cushions to keep from checking for calls. She took a deep breath to stay her nerves. Freaking out about it was not helping her any. Calm music. She needed calm music. She opened her laptop and opened up iTunes to play something to relax her. Clicked on “When I get Low I Get High” by Ella Fitzgerald and Chick Webb. A little quick but still soothing. She always had older taste when it came to music. Or, er, she liked all genres basically, along with big band/swing. A little because of her grandpa who was in WWII for like a minute and for Steve Rogers. 

For a while now she wanted go to the Smithsonian to see the Captain America exhibit. She was in school in the 90s in Los Angeles, when it was first put up. And when she did have a chance to see it every year around Christmas, she always just skirted around the entrance and saw nearly everything else there was to see except for the Captain America exhibit. Her cheeks always blazed red hot before she even got a chance to see the Howling Commando mural just inside to glimpse his old school uniform. And that’s when everyone thought he was dead. But now that she could meet him, she didn’t want to jinx it by going now. She’d go after. After her interview. After her first day. But definitely before meeting him. Because that would be too freaking weird, right?

Opening her browser, she looked at the oldie slang they had in the 30s and 40s. Aces, nobby, and swell all meant “very good.” Did Steve still talk like that? But if she was gonna meet him, wasn’t this sort of like stalking the poor guy? Or she could just be herself. Not like they were gonna go out. He probably dwarfed her. One of her old textbooks showed his height to be around 6’2. He was a whole foot plus taller than her. Jeez louise! Maybe she was already absorbing oldie slang into her own vocab already. She imagined him hovering over her body in bed for a quick second. How would that even work? She hadn’t even gone farther than 2nd base with a guy. Allie shook her head. These were highly inappropriate thoughts about a potential co-worker. She shook her finger in front of her. “Allie, you stop it now.” 

She thought about her phone and snatched it up from under her and lo and behold an anonymous number was calling. Mouth frozen agape for a second, she clicked the call. “Kershaw?” Ooh, she was so official already. Ha! 

“Miss Kershaw! Good afternoon!”

“Afternoon, Sandy!”

“I’m pleased to tell you that you can come in to see the Director this afternoon. I’m so sorry at the late notice. We can reschedule to any date if you—”

“No, I’m good. It’s good. I don’t care. I mean… I’m sorry. I know you’re not supposed to be too eager, but I can’t—”

“You’re excited. I understand. I can vaguely remember feeling the exact same thing. But that was forty years ago.”

“You’ve been with them that long? Wow!”

“Back to task. You have an interview with Nick Fury this afternoon at 4pm. Sharp.”

“Everything seems to happen at 4PM.”

“Bring your resume. We’re just keeping it for formality purposes, but I do suggest you make it as impeccable as possible.”

Impeccable? What did that mean? She should probably ask. Allied nodded. “Yes, ma’am.”

“Never call me that.”

“Will do, Sandy!” Would she be there?

“That’s better. Good luck, but I don’t think you’ll really need it any longer. Don’t worry.”

Allie giggled after ending the call. “Worry” was her middle name. But Sandy would find out soon enough. She gave herself a whole five minutes to run through the house screaming in excitement before she ran to her computer to type up her unimpressive resume. What would she put on it? She felt it would be better to keep it very generic with no mention of her abilities at all. Just on very nice paper and with no typos and such. 

She grabbed her iPod and old pink bike from high school. Staples was only ten minutes away. It would be quick. Then a shower. She’d wear her dark green pencil skirt suit, her last new clean professional clothes. Maybe she’d be able to buy more colors for herself. She looked pretty nice in them. Petite with a bit of the hourglass thing going on, except the occasional eczema outbreak at the back of her knees and neck some times, but that was what long hair and stockings were for. 

The printer pushed out her resume on very light powder blue cotton resume paper. She reviewed it three times holding it with just her fingertips because her palms were already clammy. She remembered her mother had handkerchiefs in her room. Perhaps she could be fancy and take one with her instead of using the paper towel or just wiping her hands on whatever was handy, usually her leg or a passing plant. Except there was usually dirt on a plant and if she touched her skin, it would get red and itch. She sighed. One day she’d write down all of these little health things she had. It’d probably fill a page. She grinned, maybe do a side by side comparison with Steve’s old health stuff. 

She looked at the time and pressed three copies of her resume into one of her dad’s old tax return accordion file that still looked clean enough. Along with a pen and a small notepad and her wallet and phone, she was finally off to take the bus to the Triskelion. 

 

__________

 

Allie got there at 3:57pm. She was early for the most part but she didn’t consider that the bus sometimes was too early and stopped for a whole five minutes extra for timing purposes. They were only three stops away too. 

Allie walked through the doors and made sure to look for her pal, the old security guard that refused to let her in and stepped into his line, even when there were two more people than the other two lines at the entrance. 

“Good afternoon, sir.” She grinned and opened her mouth to think of something smug to say on the fly. She was only feeling slightly petty. 

“You’re about to be late, miss. ”

She glared at him. Goddammit, he took it away from her. But she was almost late. He held up her badge and threw his thumb behind him. And Allie ran for the elevator lobby in a huff. 

She looked at the laminated paper visitor’s badge, a little sad she didn’t have an official plastic one with her picture. This still said her name though. Sort of. Kershaw, Alexand. Like, they didn’t have enough space for the last two letters of her name? Really? All she had were gripes. Gripe gripe gripe.That’s all she thought. What would working here be like? Nonstop telling everyone what was wrong. But technically, that’s exactly what her unofficial job would be. 

She stepped in the elevator and clipped on the badge. She pursed her lips to stretch her aching cheeks. They hurt from smiling too wide the whole ride up and the little walk down the hall to the office. Allie tried to remind herself nothing was set in stone. She had to impress the actual big guns now. And where was Sandy? Shit shit shit! Her eyes went wide as she checked her makeshift bag. She forgot her inhaler. Easy, she just couldn’t freak out too bad today or pass by someone smoking. Fine. Doable. She walked on, visibly shaking her head at herself no matter who passed by. Someone said that talking to yourself was a sign of genius or something. 

“Wait, I’m not talking to myself,” Allie shrugged, catching two side-glances from two employees. And knocked on the door, simply marked “Director.” 

Show time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's one of Allie's calming songs:
> 
>  
> 
> [When I Get Low I Get High](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZb2BKlZnpM)


	4. Fury

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still no luck on working with the code because I decided to write another chapter rather than figure that out.

The first thing that Allie felt was the force of an invisible wall smacking into her whole self that left her blinking, just to come out of it. 

“Afternoon, Miss Kershaw.” Nick Fury stood over her, a chill in his immediate vicinity. The wall she felt was his own defense. He probably wasn’t doing it on purpose. He probably didn’t think he had that ability at all. It took all her energy to maintain a close-ish distance to the man. Nothing was technically pushing her back. But, the feeling was there and also the immediate and sustaining urge to be halfway across the room from him. 

“Good afternoon, sir.” She was still blinking. Not looking directly at him was actually helping her grasp her thoughts. 

He shifted his stance. “Is there a reason you can’t look at me?”

“I’m getting your walls. I don’t know if you know what you’re doing but you’re psychically pushing against me. Not looking at you helps me to be able to talk to you.”

“Hmph! Never heard that before. But then again I don’t think I’ve never met any empaths before.”

Allie smiled, staring to her right, at a bare black cabinet. “You know about empaths? I don’t like using the word. Think it makes me sound too stuck up or full of myself or something.” She looked at the floor and around at the glass room, avoiding the general area where he stood. Besides feeling the “wall,” Nick was actually warm somewhere deep down. Just no one would ever get to see it. Not all of it. Her heart ached a little for him. This position of power and all his experiences forcing him to cloister himself off from the world. 

“I’ll make this as easy for you as possible. Sit down. I’ll move.” He took three long deliberate steps and the energy she felt eased vastly. 

Allie shook her head. “I’m so sorry. I can’t block any of it out. If I could, I would.”

“Secure office.”

With a soft boom, the room dimmed. Allie jumped a little in her seat and wiped her palms on the sides of the chair.

“Miss Gruger told me that according to you, I got “snakes” in my walls.” 

Her own words hit her. There was still that nagging feeling that she was making all of this up and would be found out. Maybe they’d tell her she was crazy. She took a deep breath. “I was here a few days ago and I felt… I guess you could call it, “nefarious energy,” coming from some people. I can’t tell you how many there are, what they are. Just that it’s not good. Very, very not good.” She closed her eyes, embarrassed at her ineloquence. 

“And how do you suggest we deal with these people?“

“I don’t know.” Allie held her hands up. “I’m just here to tell you who’s a murderer, or a rapist, or a tip-stiffer…I don’t know double agents!” She straightened up in her seat with a gasp. “You have a man here that killed a dog. He doesn’t even feel bad about it. He needs to go.”

“You want the man killed?” He says with a chuckle. But it’s more like a scoff. 

“Ahh! No! Just put in jail. Or something. Killed? God no!”

“If you balk at people being killed, miss, you’re looking to get into the wrong business.”

“I’m right where I need to be.” She lifted her head, proudly. 

“So what would your job be like? What would you do? How would you do whatever it is that you’re proposing?”

Allie shook her head. “I would be here, have a largely cover-position. Talk to people and glean from things from interacting with them or even being near them. I have to be in the same room. I’m not that strong. It largely depends on the person. I once got level 6 pain from a dad when I was in school. He used to beat his kid and wife. I never got do do anything about it.” She’d damn well make up for it now. “Pain. The amount of pain or discomfort rises with the level of uh, “nefariousness” or something.”

“You had trouble with me, here. Now.”

“No, no, no! You have walls. I felt strong walls, not ill-will.” She grinned. “You actually have quite nice energy. It’s warm buried under so much. Too much.”

“So if you were to shadow Sandy as a co-receptionist of sorts… She’ll be retiring in a few years. We could give you some bullshit official position. And you’ll just go about your business essentially snitching on people within SHIELD for SHIELD.”

“Yes. I guess, yes. That’s what I would be doing. Do I come here to tell you whenever I get inklings?”

“That wouldn’t go unnoticed. Not here. We’ll contact you today. Just stay out around Capitol Hill till about 6pm.”

“Like outside the building? This building?”

“Stay anywhere you like. But in public. We’ll find you.”

“Yes, sir.”

Nick walked over. His walls washing over her again, making her take a few breaths in rapid succession and found herself pressing against the wall.

“Is there something that can be done about that?” 

“I hope so. This is getting really annoying.”

“Again. It’s something that eventually won’t got unnoticed. Do it soon.”

“Hai!” Allie nodded sharply and was let out the door. Was that Japanese? 

_______

 

Allie turned left instead of right and walked through double doors. No elevator signs. Gruger. Gruger. Allie repeated in her head. Sandy Gruger. She passed by a man in black slacks and a blue striped tie. His name tag read “Charles.” 

“Excuse me,” She smiled. “Do you know where I can find Sandy Gruger?”

Not returning the smile, he shook his head. “I’m sorry. I don’t know who that is.” And walked away. 

She walked down the corridor. Should she turn back? Wasn’t there another way out? When she used to visit her parents at Kaiser they always went the back ways. There were always back elevators. She turned another corner and found a single elevator and a woman about to walk in. Allie ran to make it in time. The woman glanced at her smugly. Allie turned to look at the Potomac River and avoid her seeing just her visitor’s badge. 

“Records.”

“Confirmed,” a disembodied voice said. 

Was there an AI in SHIELD? Could the elevator tell her where Sandy was. There was this woman but she didn’t really like her energy. The elevator moved down and let the woman out. Once the doors closed again, Allie decided to try it. “Sandy Gruger.”

Her grin was promptly interrupted—

“Invalid selection. You are not authorized. Visitor’s badge allows passage to the lobby.”

“God fucking dammit!” She stomped. 

“Invalid selection. You are not authorized. Visitor’s badge allows passage to the lobby.”

“Ugh! Lobby.”

“Confirmed.”

Allie sighed.


	5. The Smithsonian

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just had to do another chapter before bed.

There was no success in finding Sandy. Allie passed the front desk, but another woman was there. Her security guard friend was actually still around but his name badge was completely visible this time. And yes, they had to give back their badges before leaving. “Jason” made sure. She tried reasoning with him for the souvenir, since it had her name on it and therefore couldn’t be used by anyone else, but no dice. He grinned and waved goodbye to her. And eventually, she returned the gestures. 

Allie went off to the same cafe and got the same latte and sat in the same couch. She needed to get Sandy’s number. Maybe get her an edible arrangements as a "thank you" or a cookie bouquet. 

Out in public. Details to come. Stay till 6pm. It was all so very spy-y already. Technically, she was a spy. A very untrained, short, defenseless spy. What the fuck had she gotten herself into? She grinned with giddy, shoving down the terror that was breaking through all at same time. For a moment, she wondered if that was her sense kicking in or just her thoughts, just her feelings. 

Out in public. There was a sudden urge to go to Target. She went to the school supply aisle and nabbed a Spiderman backpack. She was alright with Spidey, she’d really rather have a Captain America backpack but that would be too obvious. Did she need this backpack today? Sometimes the urges were for immediate things, like that bandaid. One time, she had an alcohol prep pad tucked in her wallet for a whole month before the urge called her to use it to wipe a stain off of a book in a used book store. And the book wasn’t even for her. She guessed it probably helped the book get sold or something. Allie squinted. Maybe it needed to be bought for a present and something, something. Whatever. Her abilities were so random sometimes. 

What new books were in? She hadn’t actually gotten a chance to read Harry Potter yet. Perusing the teen and kid book aisle, Allie grabbed Matilda, since she liked the movie as a child, and Harry Potter. She bought them and put them in her bag and looked at her phone. 5:47pm. Couldn’t they just call her? 

She walked down the street. Thai. Maybe get some pad see ewe with shrimp. At least she wasn’t allergic to shrimp, like a lot of people were. On her way to Sanamluang Cafe on Virginia, an old man softly bumped into her and handed her a flip phone. A moment later, a blocked number called.

Allie opened the phone and held it up to her ear. 

A woman’s voice spoke, soft but firm, “Miss Kershaw?” 

“Speaking.” Oh, yeah! So official. 

“This is Agent Hill. Can you start tomorrow? 

“Yes, I can.”

“A car will pick you up at 0800. You’ll need your social security and state ID. You are a receptionist in training. This information is not classified." 

So, she could feasibly tell her friends and family. Brag a bit. Neat! "You got my number the last time. Don't you have that information already?"

"You are to throw the phone in the nearest garbage can. Congratulations.” Click. Was she asking inappropriate questions? She looked for the next trash can. Spies always did things nonchalantly. Nonchalantly. She had to do this nonchalantly. Allie looked in the opposite direction and threw the phone in the trash. 

Forget the thai for now. She scanned the streets and looked for a bus to take her to the National Mall and to the Smithsonian. 

________

 

Steve Rogers’ face was the first thing Allie saw. It would only be a matter of time before she saw it for real. Allie grimaced. The artist even painted Steve’s pores on his cheeks. Well, the wall was pretty big. They had to fill it with some detail. Faint stubble, lip lines and everything, but huge. Hmm… What else was huge about Steve Rogers? Her cheeks grew hot. Allie shook her head. Coworker. Inappropriate. Stop. Stop it. They were both virgins, wouldn’t that be cute? She turned her head abruptly to stop the thought again. Nope. Nope. “Oh, look a display!” she said to distract herself. Tomorrow. She might actually see him tomorrow. Meet him, tomorrow. Have lunch in the cafeteria with him, tomorrow. Or not, it was fine. Who was she kidding? This was Captain freaking America!

Allie took three big steps in and sighed. It was done. She fanned herself with her hand, staring at the motorcycle Steve supposedly used in the war. A black and white reel played behind it and Steve running around with the other soldiers. He was so cute and tall and brave. She should prepare, read more of the lingo. Would that even impress him? Allie shook her head, stopping in her tracks. No. Steve was not going to be her “person.” The main girl in that “Everwood" TV show called the main guy her “person.” In her head, that meant something like soulmate maybe. It was her word now, with a new definition. She wondered and sensed it, knew it. No Steve. It wasn't Steve.

She started for the next exhibit and felt something new. First, there was an electronic buzzing that grew louder and louder, screeching in her head. She could barely make out Gary Sinise’s narration. Her vision was starting to fuzz up. 

“Best friends since childhood…”

Allie took a sharp intake of breath. Her head felt cold. The buzzing blared in her ears, leaving her eardrums screaming. But no one else was affected. She turned around slowly and to get further enough away from one of the displays. 

“HYDRA, the Nazi science division…”

She walked under the Spirit of St. Louis and out of the museum. She stretched her jaw again and again. Maybe it was time for that thai after all. She had a big day ahead of her. Maybe even some pad thai without peanuts too, and some thai iced tea. Allie alternated between clenching her jaw and swallowing at the pain, while she massaged her ears. She could hear a very faint ringing in them. What the fuck happened?

_______

After she ate dinner, Allie prepared some lavender chamomile tea in her very nice, fancy, blue flower tea cup. She listened to "Sing, Sing, Sing" by Benny Goodman and Variety Stomp, that they sometimes played at the ferris wheel at California Adventure. Did Steve know how to dance? Did he like or know these songs too? Maybe they could dance together. She could teach him.

_______

While Allie slept, she dreamt Agent Hill’s voice in the darkness. “We need Insight. We need Insight. We need Insight.” Over and over and over…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music!  
> ["Sing, Sing, Sing" Benny Goodman](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_YG9XBX04Y)  
> [Variety Stomp](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hcYBwRjMqjg)
> 
> Seriously, this is pretty cute now, but it will get dark. How soon? Not sure, but everything has been planned out. I've largely mapped out the entire fic save for how it ends so... Heed the tags. For the love of god, heed the tags! :D


	6. Health Sensitivity Report

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapters are probably only gonna get longer from here on out. Woot! Woot!

The office looked like every freaking other room or office in SHIELD. Would she get an office too? Not with her fake position. She had to look unimportant. “Agent Kershaw” had a nice freaking ring to it, though. She’d call her parents finally, maybe today. Or maybe not. Her finances were taken care of. Maybe she’d just surprise her parents with money in their accounts. But there was that nagging feeling. If she did tell anyone or send money to her parents, the wrong people might find them, or could, and possibly hurt them. Was she being too paranoid? Twenty-something years of watching too many spy-action movies skewing her perception of this world. But then again, it was a world of special government agencies with men in metal suits, super soldiers, assassins, and gods running around killing aliens or some such threat. So, maybe not that paranoid. And if SHIELD could get her phone number and address so effortlessly, it would be easy for any other kind of agency to do the same. She stilled her thoughts and breathing and tried to focus on her parents, her mom’s smell, her dad’s ratty red cap as old as she was. And sensed nothing. Hopefully, the feelings were alright. Allie swayed, in her seat, hands under her thighs when they weren't picking at the pilled fabric on the hem of her pants. She hadn’t gotten a chance to dry clean her clothes or get new ones. She was trying to not spend any money. Perhaps today. Sandy was here, but all Allie had time for was to say “hi” before she was led to this office, asked for her documents and routing number for direct deposit. Hill forgot to mention the check they needed that, but Allie had a picture of a check she used for her barista job in LA a few months back, buried in her phone. How long had she been in this room? She was kinda hoping things would be a little more exciting for her first day, but this wasn’t her first official day. And she still had to be trained. 

There, a new urge. Anacostia Park. She needed to go to that park. Green painted bench. Light wood. Right by the water. Next to the fountain. But she was stuck here. She’d make her way there eventually. What was supposed to be over there?

The door opened. 

“Alright, I’ve made copies of all your information.” The agent handed her a folder with all her old documents and led her down the hall and into a room with a camera and a computer screen. 

“They’ll take care of your badge here. After that, head to the basement for medical.”

Allie grimaced. “Medical?”

“Health assessment.” 

“But I have all that with Kaiser. Can’t y’all look that up?” 

“We’d rather get all current information on-site.”

“Sure,” Allie sighed. She’d had enough tests just in her first ten years of life. Scratch tests, blood draws. Nebulizing treatments. Ugh! Food was always good though, despite what everyone said about hospital food.

After the picture, Allie proudly affixed the blue badge with a really swell picture of herself on it. “Swell.” The old timey slang was coming out. Steve! Steve! Steve! The badge attendant told her to head down the hall to the elevator to get to medical. “Just tell the elevator where you want to go!” 

Yeah, she knew. But now she had clearance. She walked in the elevator. “Medical.”

“Confirmed,” said the elevator.

Allie grinned. 

_______

It was a full assessment. Nothing more invasive than ten vials of blood drawn due to her various conditions, a spirometry test and a brief physical. They found out she had a heart murmur. But sometimes you could get one from not drinking enough water and stress. It was recommended she drink more water for a week and come back to medical the next Monday. Ugh! But then she was also assured that heart murmurs are actually pretty common and hers would probably remain asymptomatic if it lingered. Allie rolled her eyes, another condition to add to her list. 

That was the end of her shift. Allie went up to the lobby and beelined for Sandy’s desk.

“Hey!” Sandy grinned, she was sporting a no-frames pair of glasses now. 

“Aww! We don’t match anymore,” she frowned tapping her black rims.

“I was already gonna get these glasses, honey. Don’t worry we can match some other way. You all set for today?”

“Yep. But… I mean, I guess I have time to go shopping or eat or whatever since I’m done for the day. I kinda wanted to hang with you. I mean I know we’re gonna work together but you’re kinda the only friend I have in town right now and it’s been a minute.”

“Okay, tell you what. Hang with me or the cafeteria or wherever and when I get off at 4pm we can have a girl’s afternoon.”

“Oh my god! Yes!!! That’s sounds awesome! But actually, you guys have a library right?”

_________

Allie used the elevator, going to various levels after researching on SHIELD’s history and some stuff on Captain America in the kinda unimpressive library. It comprised of just three adjoined rooms with mostly books about SHIELD or the SSR and history and business books, along with a few ficus plants. There were computers along one wall and a special small room with a long table and chairs all around. 

She learned she was allowed in Records, Accounting, Human Resources, there was a strange floor that was very grey and had concrete walls and small locked rooms. Shortly after walking down the small hallway, there was a loud boom that prompted Allie to run right back to the elevator. 

Allie was on her way to the “Common Floor” when the elevator let on three tall men in tactical gear. Allie’s shoulder twitched. The air got a small bit colder hanging over Aliie, pushing down with steady force. On their shoulders were patches reading “S.T.R.I.K.E.” 

She wanted out. 

One of them had a short spiky hair cut, kinda handsome. He terrified her. They terrified her. But they seemed important. This was not good. The man turned to grin at her, so Allie could see his name on his shirt, Rumlow. 

He shifted around one of the guys over to Allie. She could feel and hear snake scales slithering and twisting towards her. “You the new secretary?”

“I’m a receptionist actually. Not a secretary,” she spat. 

Rumlow raised his hands looking at his “cronies.” “Whoa! Touchy! Gotta work on your bedside manner, sweetheart.”

“Firstly. I have a name, so don’t call me 'sweetheart.' Secondly, that could be seen as sexual harassment and I—”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! It didn't mean nothing by it. Alright?” he said, laughing.

“And bedside manner is for nurses. I don’t need it.”

“Well, you would know wouldn’t you? Right, bubble girl?” The doors opened again and the men walked out. 

Allie reeled her head back. “Bubble girl?” The fuck?

________

The cafeteria was just as standard as the library, but stood as a big white square instead of a group of rooms. The enormous room had two Nespresso machines and pods, two toasters, two fridges on different sides, two microwaves. On one side was a man at a grill behind a glass partition, making what smelled like burgers and a few grilled cheeses and agents waiting for their orders. Cupboards covered the tops of the walls flanking the fridges and over the tan marble countertops.

Allie walked to one of the fridges and opened the door. She felt someone’s presence beside her. 

“You can help yourself to anything unless it has someone’s name on it.” She shut the door. The blond man smiled at her and spoke in a British accent. He was taller than her but a little shorter than average for a man. Shit! She had trouble with accents, seeming to talk a little sort of like anyone she spoke with, but not to make fun. She just found her mouth copying them somewhat. 

“Heh-low!” she said, her eyes widening. She was already doing it. Maybe he wouldn’t notice. 

“Jeremy.” he held out his hands. 

Allie shook his hands. “Allie.”

He rubbed his hand. “Ah, Americans with your strong grips and all that. For a tiny lady you sure do have quite the strong grip.”

“Thank you.” 

“I take it you’re the new receptionist.”

Jeremy was an IT tech. Just married to a police officer. Before he was hired into SHIELD, he fixed a few of their computers. He spilled coffee on her shoe and they hit it off from there. Cute. He gave Allie half of his grilled cheese sandwich and said she could drop by IT any time. 

Allie meet up with Sandy right around 4pm. 

_______

They went to the Fashion Centre. Allie got a lot of skirt suits, but in wine red, grey, lavender, and a few stand alone items, slacks, button downs, and two heeled Oxfords, one black and one brown. Sandy wanted a teriyaki bowl and Allie said she’d meet her up in a moment and dropped her bags off with her at the food court. 

This was her chance. Allie ran to Godiva, in the part of the mall she kinda sorta remembered it would be in. She should have gotten down Sandy’s allergens but maybe she wasn’t really allergic to anything. Allie went with a safe bet, going on their one meal together.

She dropped the gold bag on the table.

“What is this? No…” Sandy wiped her hands on a napkin and opened the bag and then the gold ballotin with ribbon. 

“I just wanted to thank you. For helping me get in.”

“Honey, it was mostly you.” Sandy sniffed the chocolate. 

“Still. I bought it. It’s there. I didn’t know what your favorites were or if you’re allergic to anything but—”

Sandy giggled. “Oh dear. Your allergies. I just saw the health sensitivity report.”

“What?”

“You didn’t see it? Oh, we'll set up your company email tomorrow.”

“What?” 

Sandy raised a finger. “Hold on a moment.” And promptly grabbed her phone and opened up her most recent email. 

Allie felt her cheeks flush. Her new badge picture plastered on the corner of a company wide email. Alexandra Kershaw, 25, B.A. in Psychology, receptionist, and all her allergies and sensitivities and even her having a heart murmur. 

“Some of us were calling you ‘bubble girl.” Sandy’s brows furrowed.

Allie remembered the man in the elevator and gasped. “That’s what the guy called me!”

Sandy shook her head sympathetically, even though a smile lingered on her lips. She squeezed Allie’s hand. “I’m sure once we all get to know you, we’ll call you Allie.” 

“I’m not a bubble girl.” People were a lot meaner to her when he was in elementary school. Her classmates thought she was weird. Except Wallace. She was just different. And that was all okay now. But weren’t they adults now? None of this petty name-calling shit. “Is this what I have to deal with at work now? Being called names behind my back?”

“No. No. Really. It’s just precautionary. So everyone knows what not to do. Like not touch you if they have a dog or something. Same goes with some of us with PTSD or anxiety.”

Allie nodded. “Yeah, that’s actually kinda thoughtful, I guess.”

Sandy grabbed a milk chocolate truffle with gold shimmer sugar. “What have we got here?” And bit in. “Ooh, champagne!” 

_______

Sandy offered her a ride home but Allie said she had somewhere to be. Sandy didn’t pry. 

Allie walked right to the bench in front of the water. There was a whole row of them. But she sat the left side of one right next to a fountain. She checked around for people, no one was too close. She felt the need to reach down, still not altogether sure what she was looking for. And there, among the bolts was one with extra grooves. She reached into her back for her key chain beer bottle opener and scraped around one bolt. She grabbed the tiny green bolt from the grass, dropped it into her pocket and headed home.

________

Allie lit a lamp across the room. And sat close to the center of the room. She uses a nail file to rub off the green paint and found a line all around the fake nickel. She grabbed her pair of really good tweezers and a nipper to pull the coin apart. A piece of paper with an address on it. It was already late. She’d go to work tomorrow and then go to the address. What if this was a trap? What if it was a prank? But what was the first thing she thought to do? That’s usually the most important. That’s how she’d messed up before. Second-guessing things. She had to go. She had to go. Anyway, a company car would be coming for her at 0800 again. Her first really official day at the Triskelion. Hot damn! And a mystery paper with a mystery address. 

Right before dropping off to sleep, she stares up at the ceiling. “This is life now. This is my life now.”


	7. Steve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was gonna post earlier but impromptu Disneyland happened. So... :P Emergency?
> 
> Chapter, shorter than I wanted due to Disneyland also. Whoops!

Allie nodded into her phone. “That’s right. Lead position at Starbucks. I’ve got a good amount of money to cover expenses and I have medical and all that… I’ll go right ahead and get a eye exam soon enough. No problem. Love you, mom. Bye. Bye. Love you, mom. Bye.” She held her hands together, they were still shaking from the not so truthful conversation with her mom. Sure, Agent Hill did say she could tell anyone she wanted but that definitely didn’t sound kosher to her. Nope, nope. She was gonna trust her gut goddamn it. 

7:49am. Wasn’t it 3 fucking A.M. over there? Did she that mom thing? And stay up or wake up early? Maybe it was left over from being a nurse. Getting up at 4am to get her lunch ready for the day and such. It wasn’t too bad to think that she woke up at this time just to talk to her daughter for a bit. She should send an edible arrangements and flowers or something, somehow. It was fine and safe to send her parents presents, right? But she’d have to pay cash. Was this job making her too paranoid? What if something weren't wrong, then where would they all be? She could put a cap on and use her Spiderman backpack be a “teen boy.” Maybe overkill, but it was always better to be safe than sorry. She’d do that soon, maybe after refilling her inhaler. But if she got another refill, she’d overuse it again. There was no in-between. She could probably just calmly breathe her way out of getting an attack. She’d had a good few months in before she used this refill up anyway. And the only reason she got a refill this time was because she got a huge wicked puff of cigarette smoke anyway and was given one right out of the emergency room. Any future attack would probably go away. It had a habit of doing that anyway. 

Allie heard the rumbling of a car engine and walked out. 

__________

 

Allie watched the bustle of people going in and also out of the lobby so early in the morning. She watched them, for the most part, but also chose to just spin around in her swivel chair, sometimes hitting Sandy’s chair beside her. Sandy being a good sport for the first few times, then turning to scowling until Allie decided to stop and/or also the room was spinning a little too hard. Allie swallowing her spit over and over to keep from actually throwing up. 

Sandy shook her head. “You really are a kid.”

Allie straightened as much as she could, “I’m a cute kid. A kid you thought was cute!”

“Oh!” Sandy sneered, playfully. “Don’t get a big head.” She turned her screen to Allie. Finally setting up her email and all that. “Here, type in your password.” 

Allie slid over and looked up just in time to see the blond hair. His uniform was all dark blue unlike the last time she saw him on the news in New York. His suit all bright blue and red then. But sweaty, dirty and pretty. Not the uniform. He as sweaty, dirty and pretty. Her breath hitched in her throat as he approached the desk. He gave Allie a cordial glance and turned to Sandy, grinning with big white teeth. “Morning, Sandy.”

“Good morning, Captain Rogers.” Sandy’s voice lilted with such confidence and grace. Yeah, they were definitely friends. Allie could be like this too possibly. Why not? That’s what she wanted anyway. He was so tall with no Nick Fury “walls.” But there was a definite circle of cool air surrounding his big bright kind presence that made Allie grin. He really was “good.” He actually deserved her and the country’s admiration. Allie kept her eyes on his hands that were lightly drumming on their desk as he and Sandy chatted. Allie too focused on looking at his hands; big, not delicate, these were worker’s hands, and the seams on his seemingly new uniform to really pay attention to the conversation. 

And then one hand moved toward Allie. “I’m so sorry. I got sidetracked, Miss. Steve Rogers.”

She looked up, a goofy, surprised smile plastered on her face. She nodded and stared at his hand. He extended it an inch further and cocked his head. 

“Oh!” realizing just what he was doing, and squeezed as firmly as she could muster. His hands were warm and slightly callused and also a bit dry. She should get him some lotion or something. 

Steve grinned in approval. “Good shake—”

Allie shook her head and glared. “For such a small person?” Everyone always said shit like that. 

“No, just a good shake.” He grinned like sunshine again. 

Allie’s mouth slacked back into a neutral smile. 

“And you are?” 

Allie slapped the side of her head. “Oh! Yeah… When normal people shake hands and introduce themselves both people usually introduce themselves! Allie Kershaw.” 

“Teaching her the ropes, ey, Sandy?”

“Until I retire.”

“You and Patricia, both?” his eyebrows lifted.

Sandy tilted her head. “She’s needing a lot more convincing but I’m chipping away, I think. I think if I ply her with Alaska.”

“Alaska?” Steve asked, bewildered.

“There’s a highly immersive salmon fishing trip.” Sandy rolled her eyes. “You get to keep all the fish you catch. It’s all-inclusive in the middle of nowhere lodging. And salmon is all we’ll be able to eat the whole month.”

“Jesus.” 

“But then it’s off to Amsterdam and Paris. After Alaska, I own her.”

Allie and Steve laugh. 

“I guess that’s only fair.” Steve tapped the counter with his fingers again and pulled back. “Anyway, I got an early morning meeting. So…”

“Don’t forgot dinner!”

Steve shook his head emphatically. “That’s right. I won’t. Seven right?”

“On the dot.” Sandy yelled back. 

Allie cocked a brow. “Don’t you mean ‘sharp?’” 

“Oh, did you not want to come?”

“I’m invited?”

Sandy lightly swivel-bumped into Allie, whispering, “I did this for you. So you can spend some time with Steve. Talk. Bond.” She waggled her eye brows. 

“Are you trying to set me up with Steve Rogers?”

“Why not? You’re young, he’s—”

“He’s like a hundred!”

“Technically. But he’s really just 28. So…”

“He’s a super soldier. He’s Captain America!”

“So that’s a ‘no?’”

“I never said “no.” When is it? And what do I wear?” 

________

After setting up her email, and giving her a more official tour of the facility, Sandy went over security protocol, how everyone has a badge, whether they are a visitor or any employee. The grill is open from 9 to 11 for breakfast and then from 1 to 3 for lunch. Everyone is out of the building around 4 or 5 but a bulk of the meetings that require a receptionist “at-desk” is really only up to 3. The security is largely in charge of getting in and out when no one is at the desk, and whoever has meetings can also meet the guests in the lobby. It’s all preference, a very easy job, except for the occasional bomb-threat, aliens attacking etc. But that was pretty much the whole world too, and at least Steve was there or nearby, when he’s not needed elsewhere. 

She wanted to ask about her other job, but no one mentioned it, and she didn’t feel like it would be safe to ask. There was still that paper. Maybe. 

Dinner was that evening. Allie could change and shower. Not in that order. She’d go to that address and hopefully not die. Or maybe not go at all. 

__________

Allie walked to 1906 Wallach Pl. NW. It would have taken a shorter amount of time but she thought better on using an app to find the location. It was 5:56. Almost no time to get really and look nice and everything. And she still had to get to her house. This dinner should have been planned better but still, Steve. This whole set up wasn’t gonna go anywhere. How could it? Sandy was a fucking sweetheart for trying though. 

There was phone booth with an actual phone on the street. Allie jumped back when it started to ring. Shit! This was for her. This was definitely fucking ‘for her.’ She should answer. Should she answer? Fuck! She needed to get a taser or learn some self defense or something. 

Allie lifted the receiver. “Uh, hello?”  
“This was a test.”

Allie sighed at hearing Agent Hill’s voice. 

“You’re here at this address because this is where you will be conducting most of your business. Inside you will find a door. 202. Once this call is finished, unscrew the bottom of the phone. Inside you will find a key. Keep this on your person at all times. Every Friday from 4:30 to 5, you will put names on a ledger found in the room only between those times. If you come on any other day, at any other time, the door will not open. If there is an emergency, and a large threat is found. You go into that cafe you get that lemongrass latte and ask for the largest size available. Wording is key. If you order large, the order will not go through. “The largest size available.” If for any reason we feel the operation has been compromised, we will give you a new address and new instructions. Understood?”

“Yes.” Click. Yup, they were fucking watching her. Even when she ordered the latte. Had they been watching her all this time? They couldn’t have. Or maybe she stumbled onto an operation she wasn’t even aware of. It would be absolutely stupendous to meet Agent Hill and get better more straightforward answers. Maybe just to put a face to a voice. 

Allie turned the cap on the bottom of the phone and found a key. Feigning a shiver, she slipped the key into her bra. Leaving the booth, she walked to the nearest bus stop to go home and change. It was time for dinner with Steve. And it was definitely not gonna be a date.


	8. Chicken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluffy chapter! Yes!!!

Steve wore a dark blue sweater over an equally blue gingham button down underneath with dark brown slacks and shiny shoes. Allie leaned to one side to get a better whiff of him. No cologne. Just clean man-smell, even slightly sweet. 

Dinner comprised of staring silently at the rosemary mashed potatoes and roast chicken, answering ‘yes’ or ‘no’ questions about going to school in LA, her parents’ old hospital jobs. And Steve not really being able to talk about his job at all. He was, however, compiling a list of things people suggested he should try. 

Steve realized this was a set-up as soon as Allie walked into the dining room five minutes late in jeans, a tank top and one of her newly purchased navy blazers. Allie being only slightly mortified. At least Steve didn’t leave. In elementary school her person would have definitely left but only after giving her “that look” and saying “eww.” Her looks were too old for her young face up until junior year of high school, and then she just looked twelve. Twelve and “okay” looking. She had gotten comments on her caboose in recent years and took to staring at her ass whenever the outfit highlighted it. She was’t used to being called “pretty” or “beautiful” but now it was getting to be a sort of common occurrence. She got looks here and there but she still speculated she had something in her teeth or hair, or had a pimple that was pretty big. Whenever her eczema would rear its head she’d always felt self-conscious even when her sleeves or pant legs or hair covered it. She always talked to her shoes or something. Did Steve think she was cute?

At best, she was kinda cute sometimes and Steve Rogers was Steve Rogers. And sitting not two feet from her eating potatoes and chicken, not looking at her on purpose. Maybe she could talk to Steve alone, say her piece. Tell him she’s got a bit of a crush on him and be done. That was more than a lot of people got to do. If he was a stand-up guy, it’d be largely fine. Honesty is always appreciated.

“Chicken’s real good, Sands!” Steve offered. 

“Oh, yes. So good,” said Allie, nodding emphatically. She stared at the extra place setting. Patricia would be back from Washington General soon. Soonish. “So tender.” God were they really talking about the chicken? Yes it was good, but chicken? Another silence enveloped the room. 

“Thank you. I actually soak the chicken in beer for an hour before roasting.” 

Allie’d have to try that sometime but good lord it had to stop. 

“Everything good though, Allie? I made sure to use ingredients off that list.”

Allie sighed. “Oh, yes. My proudest accomplishment at SHIELD.”

Steve chuckled and shook his head. “You’ve got quite the laundry list there.” 

Allie glared at him and pointed. “Hey! The old you’s list would’a given my list a run for its money! You’re one to talk!” Yeah, sure it was Steve Rogers. But she could yell at anyone she wanted to. No matter who they were. Her mouth didn’t give a fuck. Goddamn her temper. 

He shook his head with that small smile. And Allie’s flare of anger was quickly extinguished. Shit. 

“But at least, I could eat peanut butter.” Steve cocked a brow, seemingly undisturbed by her small burst. 

Allie sighed. “Ha ha! Steve. I mean Captain… Uh, Rogers. Sir?”

He guffawed, big heaves of his shoulders. “Steve. Steve’s just fine.”

“And at work?”

“No matter what, I’m still Steve. Even when I’ve got the uniform on. Alright, Allie?” he said with a grin. 

Her cheeks burned. He said her name. That was fine. Great. Fantastic. Best night ever. She knew Steve. Holy fucking shit. 

“You’re not missing much. About the peanut butter.”

Allie shrugged. “They’ve got sunflower butter cups now. Comparable to peanut butter cups. Or so I’ve heard.”

Steve pulled out a tiny notepad and jotted something down. “Where do I get these sunflower butter things?” 

“Whole Foods.”

Steve nodded writing something else down and put his notepad back in his pocket. 

Sandy glanced at the empty plates and at her two guests. “Ice cream?”

“Please,” replied Steve.

He was so polite. “Yes, please,” added Allie. Then, they were alone. Together.

Now was the time to come clean about everything. “I knew,” Allie said, poking at her fork on the table. 

“Did you now? ‘Cause I didn’t. I mean it wouldn’t be the first time…”

Allie reached out her hand across the table. “I don’t think we meant to ambush you.”

Steve shook his head. “I think I remember ambushes a lot differently.”

Allie guffawed then snorted.

Sandy walked back in with three cups of ice cream. Damn. She frowned. “Oh, no. I forgot to get dairy free ice cream.”

Allie cocked her head. “It’s fine, Sandy! I can have some dairy. Just not a shit-ton!” Oh shit. Language. She turned to Steve. “I said ‘shit.’”

“So I heard.”

“Aren’t you ‘language?’”

“Steve’s gotten used to it by knowing me,” beamed Sandy. 

“Also the whole world seems to curse a whole hell of a lot more. And after a few years I’ve adjusted.”

Steve looked at the door right before the jangle of keys hit the door and Patricia walked in with light green scrubs. 

“Steven!” Patricia smiled with tired eyes at Steve then Sandy, “Hon.” She peered at Allie. “Is this the girl? She’s adorable!”

Allie looked down with blush, but she was extra proud. 

Pat waved. “Long day. I’ll meet with you officially soon, and for a lot longer than thirty seconds, promise.” She crossed her fingers, then she disappeared into the hallway. 

The ginger ice cream everyone had was delicious. Steve and Sandy appreciating the fact that Allie knew that it was Dr. Hammond’s favorite ice cream from the book version of Jurassic Park.

Sandy waved Steve and Allie off quickly at the end of the night. A last ditch effort and getting them to talk because who was gonna take Allie home after dinner. They walked to Steve’s motorcycle. 

“So, how are you getting home?”

“Well, I was under the impression that Sandy was gonna give me a lift home but I think she planned this too.”

“So how much of this was actually your idea?”

“I wanted to spend some informal time with you.”

“So 1%?”

“Pretty much.” God she should just tell him. “So I have something to say. Please hold all questions until the end.” Allie grinned. 

“I’m all ears,” he leaned on his bike and crossed his arms.

“I have a crush on you. I’ve had a crush on you since I learned you had asthma and was bullied and was the smallest kid in Brooklyn. And I’m pretty darn short and I’m allergic to a shit-ton,” Allie hesitated at her word-choice. “… of things. And you did a lot for us and just.. there. That’s it. I didn’t come expecting anything. Yeah, I like you, but I’d really like to be friends. Despite what Sandy’s pushing at.”

“I can do friends.”

Allie squatted on her haunches with a deep guffaw at his innuendo. 

Steve gave her a bewildered look. “What’s so funny?” 

Allie was laughing too hard to properly talk. 

Steve didn’t have a helmet and told her that if they crashed, which they wouldn’t, that she should make every effort to fall on top of him. 

She was instructed to get on first and hang on tight. He had on his brown leather jacket now. Smelled just like any other leather jacket but it was amazing because it was his fucking jacket. 

“Tell me if I’m going too fast, alright?”

Allie smiled and saluted him. “Sure thing, Cap. If we’re gonna be friends you should know now that I’m probably just gonna call you whatever the hell I want in the moment.” She wrapped her arms around his waist and closed her eyes. His stomach was surprisingly soft and sturdy all at once. 

She was home all too soon.

Allie lay in bed and shut her eyes with a huge grin. 

Then her eyes popped open and she shot straight up in bed. The key. She’d put it on a chain and hung it around her neck. She touched the necklace then the key that hung just above her belly button fingering the outline through the fabric. She sighed. It was safe. Shit! Fuck! She’d keep better track of it from this point on. Definitely. She’d remember.


	9. Peaches

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *smash* Another (chapter)!
> 
> I had time, so I wrote some more. Bam! :D
> 
> "It's so fluffy!"

Straight after a grilled cheese and coffee breakfast, Allie was led to room 903. Or was it 906? Did it even matter? It felt like a damn fridge. Grey walls, metal chairs and tables and double-sided glass. Allie ducked her head under the table. A bolt was in the middle of the floor and a closed loop at the other end, made for chains. Maybe? This was an interrogation room. But she hadn’t sensed it. She didn’t need to. How long had she been in here with just a pad of paper and a pen to pass the time? Allie had taken to flipping the pen in the air and catching it in one hand, over and over and over. A nice tiny stroll around the room would do her good. 

A chair scraped across the floor, but it wasn't hers and it wasn't in this room. The other side of the glass cleared, revealing the room, a SHIELD official and another man whose presence weighed on her. A level six. Allie scribbled the number one then a hyphen and a six. Normal boring interview questions from one side. Normal boring answers from the other. Allie drew a little house on her paper, a dog, and cat, and her. While her hand focused on a tree with a swing, there was a bustle and the official led him out and then another one in. They were just like bright sunshine. Allie frowned, what would fully denote that? A small drawing of a shining smiling sun next to the number two! So this was the in-house secret job she had. She sat and watched new hires and blocked them from coming in. 

There were fifteen in total including the first two. Three were level six's or higher. One of which made Allie throw up a little in her mouth, but she couldn’t get anything else from them, a level ten. The eighth got a question mark. Allie sensed nothing. She felt calm even, so either this was a fellow empath or she was a sociopath. Hmm… a conundrum. She could either keep someone who might be like her out, because it was just too hard to tell, or open the door to exactly the kind of people she was hired to keep out. She couldn’t make a decision without trying. Allie carefully slid out of her seat, trying not to skid the chair against the floor and walked right up to the glass. “Please. Please, give me something.” They had to be good. It’d be nice to meet someone like her. Maybe even commiserate, although she’d have to lie from the get-go. No matter what she’d never be able to tell them what her real job was anyway. And what if they could sense other things? Other things about her? That wouldn’t stand. That would surely endanger them. And SHIELD only needed one person to do that, her. Allie cackled to herself before hurrying over to write a big ‘NO’ on the paper next to the number 8. 

The next one she knew she wouldn’t like at all and he wouldn’t like her either, but they were clean. Another was a street spitter. And next had kept an overdue library book in their old room's closet. Their brother’s book too, because two days prior the brother had eaten their chocolate bar that they were saving. So they took their brother's library book and hid it from them for ten years. Too long now that the charge was forgiven, but technically speaking, they had a stolen book. That was not cool. But two years ago they did buy their brother a puppy as an apartment-warming gift and nothing else of note came up. Fine. It was fine. Second chances and all that. Fine. Allie groaned and threw her hands up in exasperation. 

After a moment, the official let the last person out and shut the door, the room and window going again. Allie lay the pen parallel to the top of the paper. And walked back to the lobby. She passed by the cafeteria and grabbed a peach from the basket of fruit. Maybe she’d grab a banana before heading home for one of her smoothies. Free fruit! And made her way down the hall towards the elevators. 

“Well, well, well. If it isn’t bubble girl.” 

Allie rolled her eyes, groaning under her breath and turned to face Rumlow. “Ha ha! So funny. So original.”

“Hey, hey. I’m just joshin’ ya!” 

Allie nodded lazily. “Whatever you say.” And turned around again. She felt him run and he was walking beside her. 

“You got the last peach.”

Allie shrugged, still walking. “So I did. I’m sure there’ll be more peaches tomorrow. Too bad.” So close to the elevators, when his rough hands grabbed her peach. “Hey!” It was instinct and pushed her all the way back to her elementary school days. He held the fruit up and she jumped for it. Hands not even skimming his forearm. 

Rumlow pulled it close to his chest. “Oh, do you want this back?” he grinned. 

“It’s mine.” This was ridiculous. 

“But I want it,” he teased. 

Allie really wanted to kick him in the shin but that was technically assault or something. And weren’t they adults? Allie reached in for it and grabbed so hard the fruit squelched in her hands. Her heart dropped. Sure it was just a piece of fruit. But it was hers and now it was all over her hands and on the damn floor. 

He lifted his hand to his mouth. “Whoops!” And licked the juice off his fingers. "I'm sorry." And walked in the opposite direction.

Allie clenched her unfruited hand and fumed for all of two seconds. Then she felt the familiar burn of tears in her throat threatening to spill. He was gone. If she cried now, it’d be alright. She swallowed again and again and pushed the feeling down deep. It was… It was…

The elevator doors behind her opened.

“Hey, Allie!” beamed Steve. 

Allie turned. And that’s when the dam broke, as she clutched the fruit to her chest. Maybe it was because she knew he’d be able to comfort her or maybe it was all those times she got pushed at recess, all the names she’d been called, all the ruined paper planes and candies by little kids just like Rumlow. And then those big warm arms enveloped her, one hand rubbing her back. 

“Hey, hey… What’s wrong?” Allie giggled through her tears, the fruit pressing into her shirt. Steve pulled away. Allie held her sticky hands up holding the fruit, to show him. Steve chuckled along with her. 

______

After throwing the fruit away, washing her hands, cleaning her shirt and glasses, then cleaning the juice splotch off the floor in the hall, Allie sat with Steve and told him all about Rumlow.

“I’ll talk to him.”

“No. No. It’s fine.” Allie said, wiping a straggler tear. 

“No, it’s not. If we don’t deal with it now, it’ll never stop.”

Allie shrugged. “It was just fruit. And… I mean, when I was a kid there were a lot of Rumlows…”

Steve nodded, head down. He knew what that was all about. He’d had it worse. Been beat up as a kid and even older. At least she didn’t have that, right? So it wan’t that bad. 

“Some of them called me “eww” as a nickname. At least “bubble girl” is a bit better right?” 

“So he’s the one that started that.” 

“I think there are more but none of them have actually said it to my face.”

“I’m gonna put a stop to it.”

Allie smirked. “You don’t have to be a hero every minute of the day.”

“He should know better. I’m just gonna give him a little reminder.” Steve smiled and tapped Allie’s hand with his. “See you around.” And he was gone.

Allie grinned, looking at the hand he touched. She could still feel his fingertips on her skin.


	10. Lamb Stew

Allie kept a folded piece of paper and a pen on her person at all times. It wasn’t to be noticeable but she definitely would not be able to remember all these names for the whole week until Friday. Just nothing that could be hacked into would suffice. She had little places she could use to write quickly and varied covers in case someone caught her. She’d walk into those same interrogation rooms and lay on the tables, the paper under her chest, writing with quick jots. She could quickly shove the paper in her blouse, same with the pen, right in the bridge of her bra. Sleeping on the job, just a nap; she could say with a smile. No one actually caught her in the rooms. If anything, she had to fight people for rooms because they were actually really using them to squeeze in naps themselves. IT guy, Thomas, curly short hair, always in a white short sleeved button down and a tie. Sometimes Allie would catch him in the hallways or sleeping in a room always an awkward conversation. Other times Allie would go into a supply closet and feign office supply “shopping.” Scribble, take a small box of paper clips. Scribble, take some tape or post-its. Allie was visibly freaked out when the door opened a few times, she had a pen in her hand and was shoving it in her bra. Sherry from accounting shook her head with a smile and nodded. This was a thing. She would not rat her out for taking supplies. Her stolen office supplies filled a small box in her house. Glen from IT, suggested keeping a garter under her skirt. She could bring home a stapler that way if she wanted. There was a sort of strange camaraderie from it. And more people seemed to wave at her whenever they passed by, even those she hadn’t really met yet. Word got around that building. She laughed to herself. It was cool to steal. 

________

No one called her bubble girl anymore. It was really just Rumlow but whatever Steve did or said had Rumlow ignoring Allie completely or being entirely cordial. Friday was fast approaching. She felt better about not adding Rumlow’s name to the list. She’d never been able to figure what level threat he was, if at all. Maybe she’d felt the whole STRIKE team and couldn’t separate Rumlow from the team. Maybe he was a bully, sort of, but that’s all he was. Nothing more insidious. He got carried away or something but everything was alright now. He could be reasoned with. The rest of the team went on her notes. She kept running into clusters of them and it was all the same cold crushing feeling with differing levels of discomfort. What was gonna be done with the names? She kept seeing the people whose names she’d written down in the ledger at SHIELD. Except for the dog killer. Was he dispatched somehow? He was the first one and she didn’t even get his name to them. Plus, it was just that one conversation. 

 

______________

Allie bundled in a quote blanket she got from Barnes and Noble and sipped lavender tea. It was getting really cold at night and Christmas was fast approaching, but there were no decorations at SHIELD. In an effort to not insult those that celebrated different holidays or none at all, SHIELD opted to just technically forgo the entire Christmas season. Allie decided to offset this by organizing a “non-holiday” potluck. Another chance to show off how talented she was with food. And maybe get Steve to like her a little more. As a friend. Purely as a friend. 

“Can you make sure Steve gets a chance to eat the stew I’m going to make?” Allie said, feet dangling in her chair. Her feet only touched the floor if she scooched all the way forward on the seat. Sandy did not have that problem. 

Sandy grabbed a strawberry banana gummy bear from the bag they’d been sharing and popped it in her mouth. 

“Make it next Tuesday.”

“Christmas Eve?”

“No work Christmas Day. He’ll be here.”

“And if you’re Jewish?”

“You can choose to take the whole eight days off or work. They leave it up to you.”

“But can’t you lie about it?”

Sandy wryly grinned at her and ate more gummy bears. 

No. SHIELD would know if you were really Jewish or not. Of course. That means they probably knew people took naps in the interrogation rooms and stole office supplies. Who was watching? Did they know what she was doing? Maybe someone else knew what her job was but was in on it. Who else knew? Clearly the other person that helped her open the door to the ledger. Everyone was a part of the wheel, but the wheel was blind. No one knew who did what and everyone had a job. But Fury made sure every spoke knew only as much as was needed for them to complete their own respective jobs. This no one could really give up information if they were found out. Makes sense. But also how would anyone know if the whole thing was compromised? 

Allie shook her head. She shouldn’t question the operation, especially if she couldn’t address the issues anyway. Fury was a director for a reason. Allie had to have faith that he knew what he was doing. 

__________

Friday came around. She’d go shopping for the supplies after writing in the ledger. Allie walked slowly into the hallway at 4:32pm. She put the key in for the third week in a row and turned the key. The blue leather ledger waited for her on a desk, along with a pen. The office smelled like old books. Every piece of furniture including the swivel chair was made of wood. She looked around and listened. She always listened. Were there people watching her? Was she getting too paranoid? Maybe she was just the right amount of paranoid, especially for this job.

Allie had just two names for the list that week and they weren’t even SHIELD. A pilot had just come from vacation. He was a senior officer in the Air Force. He used to be SHIELD but visits his buddies in STRIKE from time to time. Allie groaned. They were outside. There were way more than she could ever imagine and they were in the military too. Goddamn it! She should probably find a way to take tours of military bases and find more that way. Even if that wasn’t really a part of her job description. Weren’t they all about protection? 

Before leaving she wrote something down after the two names.   
“What are we gonna do about them? How can I have more access to government officials and military personnel. There are more people to include outside of organization. We’re not gonna kill them are we? How can we even deal with this large number of people undetected?”

She walked outside, eyes flitting slowly around to make sure no one was watching her. She couldn’t see anyone but she could feel someone there. No, she could’t tell if they were a friendly, or just a homeless person in an alley, or maybe it was just the person that helped her gain access to the room leaving too or making sure Allie left. Maybe that person was the one that took the notebook out. And did that mean they read the ledger too? Knew the names? Watch them? She remembered a saying one of her coworkers at the coffee shop told her when things were too hectic. “Not my monkey, not my circus.” She smiled for a moment before realizing this was her circus, she walked right into it. Was she the monkey or the ring leader?

_______

Allie went to Costco and got a pound of lamb, cheap milk, prunes, herbs, wine, onions, and tomato paste. Someone had come out with an Unofficial Hunger Games cookbook and Allie made the stew twice before. A nice holiday treat. It was a bit complicated but it was well worth it. 

To get rid of the gaminess, Allie soaked the lamb in the milk after cutting them into one inch pieces overnight on Sunday. 

Thomas called Allie on right before bed and kept talking about movies for an hour. Allie had to wash her face and change into her pajamas. She waited that whole hour to see if he would get to a point. She knew. He was planning to ask her out. But once she yawned, it was over. Sorry, Thomas and ended the call.

Sunday, Allie went to a bookstore and got a new romance novel and skipped through till she found the part where the main characters, a former Navy Seal and a DA were hiding from a murderer in a cabin in the woods and had sex for the first time. When was she gonna have sex? She needed to get a boyfriend first though. But probably not Thomas. Allie was sure she meet someone out there. Soon. She knew it in her bones. Something else was coming. Something bad. Hopefully she was wrong about that. 

_________

Allie spent Monday afternoon after work making the lamb stew with dried plums, Katniss’ favorite thing to eat. She’d always been a fan of hot soups in the winter. If all went well, which it should from experience, she’d make a butternut squash soup that was always good. And to Steve, she’d be the friend that was really good at cooking. 

 

_________

On Tuesday, Allie left a note on the fridge inviting employees to eat her food and brought paper bowls and spoons for her stew. A few people walked in and beelined to the note. Even Jason came by. 

“You made a stew?” Jason asked. 

“You bet,” beamed Allie. But where was Steve?

“I never saw the Hunger Games,” someone said.

“I saw the movie,” another added. 

All spoke their thank you’s and Sandy appeared sans Steve. Allie frowned. “Don’t worry, Al. I’ll take over for you and just stay at the desk. Happy holidays!”

Allie gave her a look. Where was he? Was he here at all? This was stupid even though it was nice to fee some people at work. Maybe he was on a mission. 

“There was a mission last night…” Sandy said, looking down.

Allie screamed inside her head. “Oh my god! Is he okay?!” She hadn’t felt anything so he should be fine. 

“No. Just he might be here later. Too late. If at all.”

Oh! “Aww…”

Sandy rubbed her shoulder. “I’m sorry, honey.”

Allie smiled. “I like feeding people, it just would have been nice if he had some too.”

“Did you want to do another dinner and maybe cook for everyone? Patricia would love your stew, I’m sure.”

“You all could come to my house! It’s so quiet there. Too quiet.”

Sandy thought to herself. “Can I go ahead and grab a serving for her?”

“Totally!” Allie nodded vigorously.

_________

Allie sat at the desk for a few hours not exactly watching for Steve. People she didn’t know walked by and thanked her for the food and greeted her “Merry Christmas.”

A shadow came by and Allie really wanted it to be Steve. 

“Hey,” said Rumlow in a soft voice. “So, you made the stew?”

“Yeah?” said Allie, tentatively looking up. What was this gonna be? She watched him, holding her breath. 

“S’good. You’re a real good cook.”

Allie was taken aback. “Uh, thanks.”

Rumlow walked away, trailing a hand on her desk. Yeah, maybe things with Rumlow would be okay from now on. 

_______

God she felt dumb. Sandy came back for the rest of the shift. Right at four o’clock, Allie decided to stay. It was already dark outside. She read the rest of her romance novel, keeping the cover on the desk. Most of the people had trickled out already. 

She felt someone’s eyes and looked around. Thomas took a visible breath and walked over to Allie. 

“You want a ride home?”

Allie smiled back. “Sure.”


	11. Presents

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter. At least we're in the "-Ber" months. I don't feel so bad about posting about the holidays. But it was always planned this way.

Thomas chewed on his lip, looking at his shoes. “So, uh, nice neighborhood.”

Allie could have told him she grew up here for the youngest part of her childhood but she was trying to keep this short. The key word and whole damn thing definitely was “trying.” “It is,” she said as she looked at her door behind her. So close. “See you around!” 

“Oh, uh, you Christian?”

Allie’s eyebrows furrowed at the peculiar question. “Yeah.” She was Catholic. So technically Christian, but she wasn’t going to make small talk. She was also completely rethinking letting him drive her home in his 2010 blue Rav4. 

Before she realized what he was doing, Thomas reached forward and patted her shoulders in an awkward attempt at a hug. “Merry Christmas.” Allie did not lean into his somewhat embrace. 

Allie nodded. “Merry Christmas.” And patted his shoulder. One shoulder. She waved. This was her chance.

“So, you cook a lot?” 

Allie groaned under her breath. She squeezed her eyes shut and splayed a neutral smile before turning back again. She did cook a lot, when she felt like it or had a craving. But that would give him more talking points and he was already clawing at the edge of a cliff of the non-conversation. “Got an early flight tomorrow. So…”

“Right. Right. Have a good trip.” Allie was at her door.

Key in door. Turn. Open. 

“God, flying out on Christmas day must be expensive.”

Allie slid in. “Not my dime! Thanks! Bye!” And slammed the door a little too hard. She considered apologizing in case he had a misconception that she was angry, but thought better on it. 

In the morning she called her mother. 

“Merry Christmas!”

“I still don’t understand why you couldn’t come here. That was the plan.”

“You could have stayed here until I got settled.”

“Do you have everything you need?”

“Yes, ma.” She thought of her paycheck. She was definitely living pretty cushy. But she spent it on utilities and those lattes and books. The rest she saved. She should start saving cash in her Spiderman backpack. Twentys here and there. 

“We can still fly out.”

“I have work tomorrow.”

“Mmm… I know you have a full time job, but have you considered anything more serious?”

Allie reigned in the sound, but let herself laugh. “Trust me the coffee business is serious stuff. Always something to do.”

“Maybe if you worked at a hospital, as an administrator or—”

“Receptionist?” Allie added with raised eyebrows.

“Sure, for a hospital. Why not? Just more—”

“Serious. Don’t worry. Gotta go shopping.”

“Now?! But the malls are so crowded, everyone—”

“Don’t worry, mom! I’ll be safe. Love you. Tell dad I love him. Bye!” Click. 

Allie sighed. When did she become this person? There was Thomas last night and today, with her mom. Now, all she did was lie. Even when the truth sucked she told people the truth. She thought of when she was the most truthful. Did she actually just think she was honest, but was a damn fucking liar in everything? She couldn’t just tell Thomas she knew he liked her judging from his actions. And then just shoot him down. And she had to keep her family safe. If lying about her real job and anything else, then that would be acceptable. She was just trying to keep people from getting hurt, just in case. 

Allie was just gonna stay at home and rewatch “Ever After” or “A Little Princess” but decided to make an honest woman out of herself and go to the mall. 

A mass of bodies filed through the Fashion Centre. She should get Sandy a present. And Patricia. And Jason. And Steve. Was he okay? If he was going to SHIELD after a mission, he’d need a debriefing but if things went the way it did, they might postpone it till tomorrow. Just in case, she’d get Steve something. 

Allie considered getting a massage wand for Sandy at Brookstone, but felt skeezy getting her friend something that might be used as a sex toy later. 

After eating an Auntie Anne’s almond pretzel and orange juice, and a sashimi salad with no albacore, and some sample Godiva truffles, Allie decided to get sweaters for all. Cashmere sweaters for Sandy and Patricia, a nice grandpa sweater with buttons for both Jason and Steve. Red, for John and a nice navy blue, for Steve. She laughed at the thought that she was really giving him a grandpa sweater for Christmas. Allie wondered if it might be too much. Maybe she shouldn’t get him anything. Then argued for it. Because if she felt like it, she should do it. It was Christmas. And she wasn’t stalking him or calling him or anything. It was all fine. They were friends. It was totally acceptable. 

Allie stopped by Barnes and Noble to get a card for Sandy and found boxes of keychains on a display with stickers and glittery gold organizers. She grinned at the black eyeglass key chain that looked like her glasses and how Sandy’s used to. She got two, so they could match. After a stop for fancy wrapping paper, Allie hurried excitedly home to wrap everything in old cereal, cracker and cookie boxes. One, she was recycling. And two, there was always that look of disappointment and subsequent surprise she had to look forward to. 

For dinner, she had some crème fraîche that hadn’t expired yet and made scrambled eggs that made her think of Steve. Maybe she should have gotten him an egg cookbook or something. Oh well. There was his birthday in July. She’d do better then. She drizzled a bit of truffle oil on top. And cursed she should have gotten chives or green onions as a garnish, but she didn’t plan that far ahead. She grabbed the Himalayan pink salt and gave it one tap, not even bothering to grind anymore salt. Just enough to bring out the oil’s earthy aroma. 

She settled in the couch with her egg, her quote blanket, and watched “A Little Princess.” Then wrapped the presents after she finished her meal. 

_______

The four stacked red boxes hit just above her nose, almost obstructing her view. But Allie was too excited to really care. She grinned on the bus. She grinned on the walk over the bridge. And through the door where Jason smiled back at her. “You got me a present? Wow! Gee, thanks, Al!” 

“Top one’s yours.”

Jason’s grin slackened. “Oh, no. I was just kidding.”

“Really, top one’s yours. Hope you like it.” She leaned over and he did the same since he was about 5’11 and whispered, “If you don’t, there’s a gift receipt.”

“Oh, I’m sure I’ll love it. Thank you. I didn’t think to get you anything! This is—”

“Bro, Jason. I say this with as much love as possible: I don’t care.” And with that she stalked right to Sandy. The boxes hitting just at her lips now. 

Sandy stood, eyeing the boxes. “Wow! Look what we have here.” Sandy looked at the ground around her. “Actually—”

“The top two are for you an Patricia. But yours has a card. Because…” Allie put the stack on the counter. Sandy took the two presents and looked at the last box and then at Allie. “Oh, I know who that one’s for,” Sandy said, an eyebrow raised. 

Allie sighed. “Yeah, yeah.”

Sandy pointed at her. “I’m still rooting for you two. Hold on a second. I have one for you—”

“We’re just friends. It’s over. Don’t worry.”

“I’m holding out for the two of you till the day I die!”

“Please, stop.”

“You know, he’s here.”

Allie’s jaw dropped. “Really?!” she squeaked. “Where?!”

Sandy wriggled with delight, scrunching her face. “Look at how you’re excited to see him.” And bopped Allie’s nose.

Allie frowned at her, pushing her hand away. “Dammit, Sandy!”

“You may be able to catch him in the cafeteria—”

Allie blazed down the lobby to the elevators. And then had to lean on an elevator wall once she was inside. She’d gone weeks without her inhaler refilled and she was doing fine. So fine. She took a few extra slow breaths, her chest feeling a bit tight. Negligibly tight. And ran-walked to the cafeteria, while screaming in her head.

She almost hit someone coming through the door. “Sorry.” And turned to Steve who was sitting on one side of a table alone. Shouldn’t Captain America be more popular? “Steve!!!!” Allie ran over practically shoving the box in his face. “Merry Christmas.”

Steve grinned and Allie melted inside. “Aww, Allie. You shouldn’t have.”

“But I did.” She sat across from him and deftly grabbed a piece of his buttered and jammed toast and took a bite. Inside, she was so fucking proud of herself. Maybe outside she was also pretty fucking proud too. 

Steve carefully opened the wrapping paper on the edges to reveal a box of Frosted Flakes. “Cereal?” He peered up at her through those thick eyelashes. She so hated him for his eyelashes that second. “Concerned about my calcium intake?” He shook the box. 

“Doesn’t sound like cereal.”

“Open the box, you schmuck!”

And Steve ran a thumb through the last bit of tape at the top and pulled the blue sweater out of the box. “Oh, Allie. Thank you.”

“It’s nothing. Gotta spend my money on people. You may as well be one of them.”

“Your parents—”

Allie’s eyes popped. “They’re fine! Great! So great!” She was almost screaming. Then she gave Steve a pointed stare. No, she didn’t know what her look was telling him but Steve stopped asking questions and took a bite of his half-eaten toast. “So, I got a visitor last night.”

Allie cocked her head. At his apartment? “Who?”

Steve waved his hands over the table. “Your stew was delicious. I’m pretty sure if I could eat that back then, I wouldn’t have been as scrawny as I was. Sandy brought over a bowl of it last night. Whole-named me and everything. I knocked out for the night and could barely hear her banging on the door. ‘Steven Grant Rogers’ you come out here right now,’” he said in a half-mimicked tone.

Allie could kiss Sandy. She did that for her. Well, Sandy was rooting for them. The things people did for their OTPs. “That’s so sweet of her.” God bless Sandy. Sandy was a saint. A goddamn saint. That cashmere sweater was well-fucking earned. 

“Where did you learn to cook?”

Allie giggled. “I like cooking, but It’s from a recipe I just got it from a book.” Allie froze. She hadn’t meant to admit that. Maybe that’s why she thought she was honest, the truth just had a habit of jumping out of her mouth. Damn. 

“Hey, don’t sell yourself short. I know guys that can burn toast and they don’t even read.”

Allie guffawed at that. She grinned proudly, looking away at the compliment. She then took a moment to stare at his clear face as he took a shovel of too dry scrambled eggs. There were no visible dark circles in his eyes, but Allie could see a tiredness in them. 

“Hey,” Steve said and lightened up again. It was like he was flipping a switch on himself. When a fuse gets accidentally tripped into sadness, he runs back to right it again. What wasn’t he talking about? “Let me get you for the present.”

“Oh, I didn’t get it to get something back.”

“Let me take you to lunch sometime. Your pick.”

“You’re on, Steve.”


	12. Not a Date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go!!! Maybe?

Prince’s Restaurant was an old standby, still up and running despite all the new hot spots that came and went around Allie’s old neighborhood. They’d refurbished the old bright, red, retro chairs, and gotten a few noticeably shinier tables, but the old couple that owned it was still there, just older. And the menu was largely the same, except they featured sweet potato fries and you could add kale to your burger, if you wanted. It was strange seeing Steve, wearing the sweater she got him, sitting in her old childhood haunt. 

“So this is your favorite restaurant?”

Allie shook her head, looking around at the pictures of local celebrities and even one of Guy Fieri and a plate their take on a Juicy Lucy. “Just, I used to come here when I was little. It’s always nice to come back to something and see that it’s still there. You know.”

“Yeah, makes sense. But all my places are now museums and Chinese restaurants. So…”

“Aww, I’m sorry.” Allie patted Steve’s hand. It was still strange to touch him and normal all at the same time. Allie looked away awkwardly.

Steve opened the menu again. “So what’s good here?” He was somewhat subtle, but only somewhat subtle when he was deflecting. Whenever Steve didn’t like where a conversation was heading, he always changed the subject, Allie noticed. One of these days, he’d have to deal with that. 

“I always get the same thing. A bacon cheeseburger and chili cheese fries and a coffee shake.”

“You sure can eat!”

Allie glared at him. “Like for what? A small person? A girl?”

“No, no. Just in general.” Steve shook his hands in front of him in a defensive move. 

Allie sighed. The surge of anger dissipating. “Sorry. I’m just so used to… I’ve gotten those comments for as long as I’ve had this appetite, which was always.”

“Hey, don’t forget how I grew up.”

“I know. I would know. I’m still there.”

“You’re how old?”

“26.” And still a virgin. But here she was in front of one, and he was almost 100. Allie pondered asking him how far he’s ever gotten, they were probably not at that level yet. And how old timey was he exactly? “They make a Juicy Lucy here but it’s not the original.”

“That’s a patty with the cheese already in it, right?”

Allie squinted in disbelief. “Where did Steve Rogers learn about that?”

“Well, there’re these fascinating boxes I have. One, I watch these things called “shows” on. And one, I type on a board and stuff just appears on a screen!”

Allie rolled her eyes. “Yeah! Sorry, I assumed. It’s just hard to imagine you doing normal 21st century things, you know.”

“Maybe that’ll be the next exhibit for the Smithsonian.” Allie thought of when she went there weeks before and got that wicked “headache.”

Allie gestured widely in front of her. “Steve Googling. Steve test driving a Prius.”

“Steve watching an IMAX movie.”

They laughed. Allie snorted. 

“Rachel” the waitress came by. “What’ll y’all have?” With a Texan accent. “Captain,” she grinned.

They ordered nearly the same thing only Steve opted for a strawberry malt and a salad with ranch instead of the greasy chili fries. Couldn’t he technically eat whatever he wanted. “Salad?” Allie asked.

“I actually like salad, nowadays. It’s greener and the dressing tastes a lot better.”

“Touché,” Allie said, wagging her fork at him. 

Steve and Allie finished their meals at nearly the same time. Rachel came by with the bill and Allie reached for her wallet. 

Steve shook his hand over hers. “Remember this one’s on me.” And put down his card. Captain America had a credit card. Maybe Tony Stark gave him that card. All the Avengers had one, probably. 

Rachel grabbed the payment. “Thank you so much, Captain.” Allie noticed Rachel looked only at Steve now. She was invisible next to Captain America, but then again, who wouldn’t. Probably not Peggy Carter. That woman was a force, even in pictures and old reels. Everyone didn’t really exist next to Captain America, except for her. Allie realized something. Maybe that’s why he was still single. No one could beat Peggy. 

“Excuse me a moment.” Steve walked to the restrooms. 

Rachel came back with the slips and his card. Allie snatched the receipt under the credit card copies and folded it into her pocket, a souvenir of the day Steve bought her lunch. She could cry. But she wouldn’t . 

Steve sat back down. “Ready to go back to SHIELD?”

_______  
Steve idled the motorcycle in front of the glass door that opened and closed a few times.

“See you soon!” Allie waved. And heard five bells tolling and the feeling of ducking. Steve. 

He kicked the stand up and evened out the motorcycle. Allie snatched his arm. 

“If you go on a mission, and you hear five bells, duck. Please?” She really dug her fingers into his arm. Her hands only fitting around the top part of his bicep. 

Steve squinted. “How do you mean?”

“Don’t ask me to explain. Just promise me you’ll do it. Humor your friend.”

“What are you psychic?” 

Allie didn’t mean to, but she shrugged with her eyes. Maybe Steve wasn’t that perceptive. Allie shook her head. “I’m just a normal person.” She just lied to Steve. Maybe she should only count the times she tells the actual truth to people; that list would definitely be shorter. She gripped his sleeve and arm as tightly as she could. “You’re not leaving till you promise me.”

“Five bells. Duck.”

Allie pointed a finger at him. “I’ll hold you to that.”

And Steve was off. Allie turned just in time to see Jason giving her the biggest grin and two thumbs up. Mouthing, “Good job.”

Allie shook her hands in front of her. “No! It was just a lunch.” And walked to Jason.

Allie’s stomach dropped, she didn’t know why and turned her head to see Thomas by the other metal detectors, jogging over.

“What was lunch?”

“Little Missy here was on a date with Rogers.”

Allie’s eyes popped as Thomas’ face dipped down for a moment. She couldn’t tell if she could actually feel his heart being crushed or if this was just regular empathy. “It wasn’t a date.”

“Did he pay?” Jason offered.

“That doesn’t mean it’s a date. It was—”

“You neither confirming or denying it says it all.”

Thomas smiled. Sadness was still coloring his eyes, even with his wide enough grin. ”No, good for you. He’s a good guy. I’ll just,” he pointed to the elevators. “Hey, I’ll see you around the hallway.” And scampered off. Allie couldn’t bring herself to watch him go, and couldn’t stand the stupid grin on Jason’s face.  
______

Sandy sipped coffee from a “Hang in There” cat mug. “Give me all the details. Spill the beans, sister.”

Allie plopped onto her swivel chair and rolled into Sandy. “You know for an older person, you act too much like a teen girl.”

Sandy took a big gulp from her mug and cleared her throat. “Hey, I’m retiring, I’m not dead.”

“You are, aren’t you? Why are you still here? I mean there really isn’t much to know about ‘receptioning.’” 

“Oh, I see. You want me gone already.” Sandy got up from her chair.

Allie grabbed her. “No, I’m kidding! I love you! Stay! Stay forever!”

Sandy sat back down. “It’s Pat. She’s almost, but “not quite” retiring yet. I’m just waiting on her.”

“Even with Alaska?!”

“I guess she’s gonna miss seeing patients. I don’t want to miss out on seeing the world.”

“You will. You tell her I’m taking you if she doesn’t retire soon! You tell her.”

They laughed. 

“I’ll tell her she was one more year. Then, I will take you up on that. I’ll have you know I’m quite expensive.”

“And that’s why we get along. Because I’m also expensive.”

Sandy bent down to push her bag that slipped out from under the desk. The eyeglass keychain dangling from a little metal loop on the handle. Allie kept hers on her actual keys. She felt proud her friends were using her gifts. “Going to the ‘loo.”

Allie smiled. She was using British slang. She probably ran into a few Brits earlier in the morning. Sandy seemed to retain a bit from people she met in the days, but only accents and slang terms. 

She felt the urge to look up the “dog man” on Google. 

And there was his small mugshot. Allie cackled at the grim scowl on his face over the orange jumpsuit. The headline read: “Dog killer prosecuted. Arraignment this morning.” 

Allie jumped up, positively boiling with joy! “Yes! Yes!” Someone was actually paying for their crimes. It only took a fucking millennium. 

Before she knew it Jason was hovering over here. “What’s all the hubbub? Rogers proposed?”  
Allie frowned. “No.”

Jason laughed. “A few of us have a pool going. Set the date for fall, if you want me to win.”

Allie groaned. “No! Look.” And turned the screen to face him.

“Hey, that’s Vic! Shit! No wonder he just quit showing to work.” He shook his head with a “tsk.” “That goes to show you, you can never know what’s going on with people.”

Allie felt her mouth turning up and strangled down the smile as best as she could. 

Jason peered at her. “Are you OK?” 

Allie nodded. “Great. Just happy.” And she really wished she didn’t have to hide. Maybe she could help more people if more people knew. But that was probably for the best. Tell someone she had contact with on a day to day basis. She could probably tell Sandy, or Jason. Would that jeopardize their safety? 

Allie spotted Rumlow in the distance, crossing the lobby. “Hey, Brock!” Allie waved. 

“You friends with Rumlow now?”

Rumlow looked around and then at Allie for a second, before walking on. Weird. He saw her. He heard her didn’t he? Looked right at her. Rumlow was okay a few days ago. Did he turn again? The bullies in her past always did that. They played nice for a while, then went on back to what they did best, torment her. Shit! He wouldn’t. He wouldn’t. They were adults. They’d made up already. “Umm, I thought we were.” Allie shrugged. 

____ 

Allie took the bus home. And then there it was. The urge to go to the bench. That could only mean one thing. She felt it immediately. They’d been compromised. The bench bolt held another address in it. But who knew? How much did they know? Allie entertained the thought of grabbing her money and bolting up to Canada. No goodbyes. And hopefully no trail. And that would have been the end of it if she’d left right then and there. But instead of following that inkling, she stayed.


	13. New Year's

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be up very soon. It was all gonna be one gigantic chapter but it was already twice the size of anything I'd written so far so I just decided to split it. Whoo!

It was dark, in the dream. Dark and cold. She felt the barrel of a gun on her forehead but couldn’t see who was holding it. She heard the pull of the trigger, then the faint boom of the bullet forcing her eyes open. Allie gasped awake, reaching for an inhaler that wasn’t there. Allie pulled her phone and Googled the official way to breathe through an attack if she needed. Small breath in, small breath out. Hold her breath until her lungs were starving to take a breath again. Once everything calmed down at work, for sure she’d get a refill. 

She turned in her bed when she’d calmed down enough, and slept again. And woke from the same nightmare twice more. She should have left but it was too late to go back now, to run away. Too late for that to make a difference. The only way now was through. Hopefully, it was good. 

She went to the new address in sweats and a pullover, only bringing her key, one house key in her pocket and her monthly bus pass. She decided she’d leave her phone at home in case it was being tracked by the wrong people. 

2948 Fenton Circle. Same sort of old brick building. The street was foggy and she noticed there was no phone booth outside. How would Hill contact her. She looked at the numbers above the entrance again. It was the exact address. But how…

Maybe she was losing her mind but she heard something vibrating. And walked around the outside till she found the source, a cell phone hidden behind half a brick in one wall. 

Allie flipped the phone open. 

“Our last location has been compromised, as you may have have guessed or sensed.” Allie sighed. It was a relief to hear Hill’s voice but, the fact that someone or more than one someones knew they were up to something, made Allie’s stomach squelch. “Victor Saldado has been dealt with. The others will take time especially with how extensive the infestation seems to be.” She probably meant STRIKE. “The Director has plans set in motion. We are monitoring all targets.” Targets? They were targets? Of course. “We’re trying to keep the casualty list small but I am not making any promises. You are doing us a great service. It was smart to keep no other parties involved.” It was smart to keep lying to everyone about everything. When would it stop? When could she see her parents again? “Your key will not work at this new location. There is a key still in the wall. Use that. Discard the old key and cell phone in the next garbage.”

Allie nodded, she knew. Just like last time. She huddled on the step and took out the key from her necklace and put the new key in her pocket carefully. She’d put in on her necklace chain later, at home, before work. 

She was early enough to get a cup of coffee from 7-11 and donuts from a shop in the same plaza by her house. She showered quickly and dressed in a button down with a sweater pulled over and slacks. It was getting too cold for skirts and stockings. New Year’s was approaching. Would she make it that far? Did people know? Who? Was she made already? She walked across the bridge and peered around her. She stared up at the glass windows of the Triskelion. Was someone watching her right now? Could they poison her? Her dreams told her, she might be shot. She imagined blood on her chest and a gaping bloody wound. Allie hurried along into SHIELD.

Immediately, the building was chillier than normal. Allie shivered, teeth rattling, rubbing her arms. 

Jason frowned in concern, “You alright. Cold?”

“Freezing!” Allie looked at the people all around. It could be someone but all she felt was overwhelmingly cold. “The thermostat broken or something?”

Jason crossed his arms. “Not that I know of. You want a jacket? I got a jacket in the lockers,” he said, pointing behind him. 

A woman in a skintight black outfit skated by them. Her blood red hair, skimmed her shoulders. Natasha Romanoff grinned right at Jason. “Morning, Jason.” 

Allie’s mouth hung agape. She was beautiful. 

Jason saluted her. “Morning, Agent Romanoff.” 

She moved with a swift grace, with the front of a calculated smile and looked right at Allie. “So you’re the new girl right?”

“Yes, sir!” Allie’s eyes popped. “I mean, ma’am. You’re not a “sir.” You’re gorgeous. I mean not that a man can’t be gorgeous. I—”

“You are a tiny thing,” Natasha grinned, but Allie couldn’t pull anything from it. Natasha’s defense was undetectable but effective. Allie wondered how it was possible. She didn’t even balk at that “tiny” comment. Maybe since she was a woman and small too. Or she was too distracted. “Small things can be very important. Even a matter of life and death.”

Allie watched a thousand thoughts flit across Natasha’s eyes, but none were any she could catch hold of, no feelings at all. Maybe she could teach her to be this calm and collected. How deep did it go? “Th-th-thank you?” was all Allie could muster.

She walked on. “Catch you later, Jase. Allie.”

Natasha knew her name. Probably from Steve. After the initial shock of meeting “the” Black Widow, Allie was excited to find out that Steve was talking to people about her. Enough for them to know her name. Other Avengers knew about her? Why? Did he tell her about that comment? She just wanted him to be safe. Did he blab? She felt a rush of anger fill her. Captain America or no, she never told him he could tell people she made a faux prediction. How dare he? Another thought calmed her immediately. Maybe he was just talking about her in general or her cooking. Good, all good. Steve was good at deflecting. He wouldn’t just tell people things, especially one that might be a serious secret. Secrets serious enough, that required a lot of gripping and staring into his blue eyes. 

Once Allie got situated at the desk, Sheryl waltzed over. Sandy was always there early though. But her stuff wasn’t even under the counter. 

“So you coming to the New Year’s thing tomorrow night?”

“There’s a party, like at a bar?”

“No, silly. We count down on the roof and watch the White House fireworks go off. Very unofficial.” Sheryl leaned in to whisper. “They turn a blind eye. It’s to let off steam, good for employee well-being and all.”

Allie was pretty excited until… 

“You should get Rogers to come!”

And then shoe dropped. Sheryl didn’t really talk to her and she felt completely closed off to her in general. Not looking to be actual friends. Just because she might finagle Steve to come. “So, if Steve can’t go?”

Sheryl shrugged. “Then you can still come. It’ll be fun.”

Allie grinned wryly. She’d ask Steve. Watching fireworks with Steve sounded wonderful. They could kiss each other. Allie shook the thought away. He’s grown to be like an older brother, sort of. A pretty, super-soldier older brother. Goddamn! “I’ll be there, with bells on!”

Sheryl gave her a look like she’d actually believed she’d wear bells. She did once or twice in college. Ugly Christmas sweater party, she’d sewn twenty bells on her red sweater that morning. Well worth it. She won 2nd place. 1st place was actually a guy who engineered an ugly Christmas light sweater. Big multi colored bulbs and all. He had trouble seeing that night. They all did. Allie laughed at the memory, remembered blinking away the bright circles in her vision after trying to walk back to her dorm. 

Allie shivered and rubbed at her arms again. She would ask Steve and Sandy and Patricia to the party. Maybe not a kiss on the lips, but maybe a New Year’s Dance. And she knew just the song. 

No one was really coming through that morning and Allie had taken to rereading Matilda again. Seriously, could Allie’s powers grow to be that some day? Would they? What if SHIELD wanted to enhance her. She’s be all down for that if it meant physical powers. Allie pointed at the pens for a good few moments before sighing into the chair. Allie eventually asked Jason for his jacket. It was huge but warm. What the hell was going on? 

Sandy came over half an hour late. When Allie asked her if everything was alright, Sandy just shrugged and looked away. 

It was too cold to detect anything else but Allie slid close like she’d done so many other times, and only gleaned fear under a knot of anxiousness. She’d get no where with Sandy. On to new things. 

“Plans for tomorrow?”

“New Year’s?” Sandy yawned. Allie’s eyebrows furrowed. Sandy never yawned, not like that. Was she up all night? Was someone dying? Omigod! Did Patricia have cancer? Was she really a doctor? Did she have cancer all this time and Allie couldn’t feel it. Could she do that? “Patricia and I stay home. That party’s for the youngsters, you know. Like you.” And patted her shoulder with a sleepy smile. 

“Sheryl said I should invite Steve.”

Sandy raised her hands high and shook them. “Gods be praised, I’ve been risen up! If he goes, I’m taking Patricia, or I’m going without her.”

Allie frowned. “Seems as though the party’s prerequisites are the same all around!”

“How do you mean?”

“I wanted to invite you, because it sounds neat. And half of me wants Steve to not be able to go because I was under the impression I was only invited on the pretense I might actually bring Steve. And now you—”

“I was just kidding!”

Allie gave her a look. 

“Okay, no. I’m old. We like sleeping in. You know we don’t have New Year’s Day off right. Even though nothing even really happens. Government agency, my ass!” 

Allied slapped her fingers to her mouth exaggeratedly. “Oh! I’m so scandalized by your vulgar, vulgar language!” And lifted the same hand over her brow now and pretended to swoon. They grabbed each other and guffawed together. She smelled like soap and fabric softener. Nice and comforting. Like an aunt or something. At least there was Sandy to be thankful for, and Steve. Her constants in all of this that she flat marched right into. 

“I’ll be there. And—”

Allie clapped a hand over Sandy’s shoulder. “I need you to arrange something for me.”

“Front row seat, I’d practically do anything.”

“Anything?” Allie said, with a cocked brow.

“Details first. Answers later,” Sandy grinned and frowned, pulling on Jason’s jacket. “Are you cold?”


	14. Steve's First Dance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Steve finally gets to dance with a girl. Or maybe, not? :D 
> 
> Developments!!! And we find out how I NAMED this work. And it's one of my favorites.

Allie wanted to fix things with Thomas. It would be really nice to have a clean slate before the new year started. Things were at least congenial with Rumlow, sort of. He was pretty much ignoring her but that was better than what it had been. All that was left was Thomas. She hadn’t really seen him since it’d been a while since she had to sift through new applicants or jot down names of snakes in secret rooms. Allie checked IT for Thomas first, but they said he stepped out. Yes, Allie knew where to go. One of his co-IT people, Brad, gave her a cellophane bag of multi-colored macarons, a stern look on his face. “From Thomas.”

Allie took the bag, but Brad hung on. “Be nice.” And let Allie walk away. Shit. He got a her a gift? After knowing that she might be going out with Steve even though she wasn’t. Oh, man. She needed to talk to him right away so he can move on and… She thought she was being clear enough.

She tried the first door. No one. The next one was locked. Allie considered pressing an ear to it, but after hearing a thump in the room, decided against it. Either people were having a lot of fun in the room, or they really weren’t. She approached the third door on the left, the third she’d been successful at opening at least, and startled Thomas straight up on the table. “Sorry,” he said, still facing away from the door. 

“Thomas?”

He turned and smiled. “Allie!” And looked down at the macarons. “You got ‘em.”

Allie raised up the bag. “Yeah. Listen—”

“My aunt got me a basket of stuff. One of those Christmas gift basket things. I’m not one for sweets so I thought, you, Allie.” He wasn’t entirely convincing, but it had only been a week or so.

“Thanks, Thomas! But are you good? In general?” Allie put two thumbs up and an exaggerated grin. 

Thomas smiled wider, displacing the smidgen of sadness in his eyes. “Great.”

“Great! Super!” Allie nodded pointedly. “Happy New Year’s Eve!” She turned to walk away when… 

“Oh, are you going to the party?” Allie almost laughed at him catching her again. 

“Yeah, with… uh, Steve.” She watched him for a reaction, but got nothing. “And maybe Sandy and her wife.”

“See you there. It’s actually pretty great. Not so much for the morning after, but…”

Allie grinned again, “See you there.” And shut the door.

It was funny being near the elevators again, when Rumlow came up behind her, “Hey, there, sweetheart.” 

Allie groaned and faced him. “I thought we covered this. Stop calling me that!”

And again he grabbed her bag of macarons. “You got this from your boyfriend?”

Allie couldn’t help but jump up for it again. But she was more careful. Macarons were so delicate and they looked so good.  
“Thomas is not my boyfriend!” 

Rumlow slyly smiled. “Oh, ho, ho, ho! Been a busy girl at night. Juggling Steve and Thomas? Didn’t know you were that type of girl.”

“I’m anyone I fucking want to be!” Allie growled. She instantly regretted saying that word so close to his face. 

He ground his hips forward onto hers, making her shudder. “Tell me, how is Cap in the sack?”

Allie stepped back and growled at that comment. “Just give me my cookies back!” And pulled his shirt down to her with one hand, while swiping at the bag on the tie with another. But Rumlow refused to let go.”

“Rumlow? Allie? What’s going on here?” It’s funny how Allie was so glad Steve was there to fix everything again and annoyed she’d needed looking after. Again. Never getting to fix her own problems, although, with bigger stronger men that weighed twice her weight. That’s they way life had been for her and how life, apparently, still was. 

Rumlow left Allie the unscathed macarons and patted Steve’s shoulder. Steve pointedly started at his hand before scowling at him. “Look, Cap. I was just looking at her stuff, man,” Rumlow chuckled. 

Steve crossed his arms. “You know, we talked about this.”

“Ask her!” Rumlow looked back and gestured at Allie. “She’ll tell you! Sweetheart, I was just kidding.”

Rumlow had mixed his words. Steve sneered. “I thought you said you were just looking? Are you ‘kidding’ or ‘looking?’ Because one of them means you were doing things we said you weren’t supposed to do.” He smoothed out the wrinkles in Rumlow’s shirt slowly.

“The kid. She’s in this business with a pip in her step. We know, that don’t last in this world. She’s gotta toughen up to survive it you know.”

“We’re here so she can keep that 'pip' in her step. Or did you forget that too?”

Rumlow raised his hands and turned away from them both, backtracking down the hallway and out of sight. 

“What’d he really do? Come over here.” Steve gestured her over.

“What bullies always do,” Allie shrugged and walked into his waiting arms. They hugged tight. Allie felt oh so warm around Steve, a little too warm. Was he blocking Allie from sensing the new cold? Who the hell was it? Steve rubbed her back and they both let go.

“Want one? It didn’t get destroyed this time.” 

Steve pointed his eyes up. To the cafeteria tables again!

Allie grabbed a green one that she assumed to be pistachio. She bit into the sweet, nutty flavor.

Steve grabbed a pink one. “I didn’t know Captain America loved strawberry flavored things.” Allie laughed. “When I was lad I had four dozen eggs, every morning to help me get large…” Allie mimicked swallowing eggs and grinned. 

Steve smiled blankly. “What is that?”

Allie reeled her head back. Was he serious? “Beauty and the Beast?”

“The French film?”

“Disney.”

Steve smiled wider and slapped his thigh, taking a tiny bite from the macaron. “I’ve been meaning to get to those!” 

“Goddamit, Steve. We’re gonna have a Disney night. Or so help me…”

Steve finished his cookie and looked down. “Listen, what Rumlow said…”

“Was he right?” Allie frowned. She feared she was too bright and bubbly for her own good. 

“No,” he shook his head emphatically and pulled out his phone. 

Allie pulled out her phone from Jason’s jacket. “Oh, man! I gotta capture this for the exhibit!”

Steve chuckled, tapping on his phone. And Allie snapped a picture. He pulled up a quote by Iain Thomas. “Everyone thinks it’s Vonnegut, but it’s not. Rumlow, he made me think of this quote and I remembered the first time I read it years back and here with you just now. It just resonated, somehow.” He handed her the phone. 

“Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place,” Allie read. “That’s really pretty.”

“Sometimes it’s hard to keep believing in that, but you kind of have to. Because what are we fighting for? Right?”

Allie nodded. 

They finished the rest of the macarons. Steve ate the rest of one that was almond, but tasted like sweet bandaids that made Allie’s face scrunch up in disgust. 

She took a big breath, which Steve mimicked. “So, Steve. You going to the thing tomorrow?”

“Yeah, I love the thing!” He shook his head playfully. “What are you talking about?”

“The New Year’s Party. On the roof.”

“Yeah, Dean and Sheryl ask me every year I’ve been here so, a grand total of twice.”

“I want you to go with me! Two friends on New Year’s and Sandy and Patricia.”

“Okay, okay. You talked me into it.”

Allie clapped her hands, excitedly. “Bring your dancing shoes, grandpa!”

“Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! No one said anything about dancing!”

“A New Year’s dance. A whole new year. Please, Steve?!” Allie leaned towards Steve. “Please, Grandpa Steve,” said Allie, in a kid’s voice.

“Alright. Fine. Something slow.”

Allie blinked and swallowed, lying again. “Totally.”

_____

 

Allie saw Natasha with Steve leave the building one more time before the shift was over. She reluctantly gave Jason back his jacket, but found the weather quite fine outside. Something was definitely new in the building and it was worse than the apparent infestation of sorts and everyone else she had flagged. 

______

Allie had the same dream again. The gun. The shot. The darkness. Goodness fucking dammit! Maybe it was just stress. She hoped it was just stress. 

Allie got quickly through her shift at work and focused on what she would be wearing later. 

Not knowing how casual the party was, Allie opted for a wine red and white polka dot dress and tiny black shorts underneath for dancing later. She wore black heels and brought a cardigan, just in case. She’d borrow Steve’s or someone else’s if she got too cold or that thing happened again. Both Sandy and Patricia picked her up. It almost felt like going to prom a second time.

Right before their elevator reached the roof, Allie asked, “Do you have everything ready?”

“Don’t doubt me!” Sandy smirked. 

Patricia wrapped her arm around Sandy, “She’s been doing this a long time. If you want something done right, you go to her!”

Sandy playfully slapped Patricia. “Oh, is that why you married me?”

Patricia leaned over and machine-gun-kissed her cheek noisily. It was just cute. Allie felt a few tears slip out of her eye. “You guys are a fucking Hallmark card!” Allie said in her best Brooklyn accent. 

The doors open to the bustling party. Steve was surprisingly already there, wearing of all things, a blue sweater under a blazer and dark jeans. “Pat! Sands! Allie!”

Patricia slapped Steve on the shoulder. “You finally made it to one of these!”

“Can’t say no to our girl, can I?” Steve shrugged with a grin. 

Sandy rolled her eyes, feigning disdain, “Oh, god! This one, always the troublemaker isn’t she?!” 

They all got some of the mini cucumber and chicken salad sandwiches and the only kind of alcohol available, sparkling wine. Sandy was on her third glass in no time. 

The countdown started and everyone yelled till “Happy New Year!” It was 2014. Awesome! The fireworks went off and Allie wished that she’d come with a real date. Sandy and Patricia cuddled off to the side. Allie glanced all around looking at all the SHIELD couples. She tried to focus on the pretty explosions. Steve leaned into Allie and said something but it was hard to hear. Sandy leaned in and greeted both her and Steve. And everyone was coming by and no one really could tell between the glasses of wine and the fireworks, who was who and it was wonderful. 

Allie heard trumpets as the last of the fireworks rang out, and turned to a clear, center floor. Sandy clapped and started a chant “Allie! Allie!”as “Sing, Sing, Sing” kept playing. Hopefully it was the long version. Everyone else at the party joined in and Allie stepped into the middle. 

“This is not exactly how I planned this.” And Steve was shoved in next to her. 

“This is not a slow song.”

“It’s my favorite song.”

“Really? You like this old “grandpa” stuff.”

“I love it!” And grabbed his hands. 

Steve leaned in, “You know I don’t really dance, right?”

Allie cocked her head, “How much do you know?”

“I know this song!” he grinned. “Never been much of a dancer.”

Allie stood up straight and showed him the basic, very basic, steps. Side-side, back-step, and side-side again. “Don’t worry. I’ll do most of the work and you do the basic steps.”

And Allie clutched Steve’s hands, only half-worried about how damn sweaty they were again. The song was only half over, Sandy did get the long version, and she was high on the fireworks and the beat, and the fact that she was “dancing” with Steve. Allie did the heel-pop, the belly slide, turns and even part of the Lindy Hop, always keeping at least one hand on Steve’s as she danced around him. 

Allie’s chest felt a little tight, all the jumping and the cold air. At least no one was smoking. But it was just a tight chest. They played the cha-cha-slide that everyone was mesmerized by. She and Steve slumped over on the side and watched everyone. 

“Too bad.”

“What?”

“I had a friend. My best friend. We were like brothers and he…”

Allie thought back to her elementary school social studies books. A small paragraph about Bucky Barnes. 

Allie tapped at her hear. There was that ringing again, and an ache in her ears. 

“You alright?”

“Yeah. Fine.” Allie tried to swallow the pain again like when she was at the Smithsonian. Right now, she was pretty tired of her “powers.” If that’s what it was. 

“I just wish he could have seen this. My first dance with a girl. Sort of,” he chuckled, but he looked sad. 

“Yeah, that was’t really dancing,” Allie tapped his shoulder. 

Steve looked up at the sky. “He was the better dancer. The best. I think that’s part of the reason he was so popular with women.”

“The dames?”

“Yeah,” Steve nodded. “And he was a hoot!” 

A lot of CA history sites speculated he was sort of the embodiment of "sex on legs." Allie wondered. But how could she phrase it right? “I read online that he may have been—”

“Bucky was no saint, but he wasn’t what you call these days a ‘man-whore.’”

“So he didn’t sleep around.”

“Bucky was no virgin. He'd have a steady girl. They go "fool around," break up and he'd eventually go steady again with someone else. But there was no—”

“Bed-hopping?”  
“Not sure if that'd be still true if he was around now, but it was different back then. The way we did things. I mean, just from what I saw because...”

“You were tiny.”

“Just a little taller than you actually.”

“You think about him a lot?”

“In my mind, it’s only been a few years since he died. And he was always around, always there, helping me out.”

“Saving you?” Allie snickered.

Steve thought for a moment, then peered at Allie in his peripheral vision and smiled. “Like I do with you.”

Allie glowered at Steve, “You don’t ‘save’ me.” She tapped his knee. “But, thanks for being there for me, pal!” 

“Don’t mention it, fella.” And mussed her hair. She would have yelled at Steve but it came suddenly. The rooftop temperature seemed to plunge thirty degrees. Allie could hear steps echoing across the floor. Her head suddenly weighing three extra pounds. The closer he got, the more her stomach churned and she felt the rest of her dinner and wine come back up and spill onto the rooftop floor.

Allie couldn’t see straight past the nausea, her teeth chattering in the perceived cold that no one seemed to feel. Who was this guy? There was a lot of movement but Allie couldn’t tell what was happening anymore. 

Big warm arms scooped her up and brought her back down to the lobby. Smaller, thinner hands covered her in one jacket and a coat, handing her a handkerchief to wipe herself. 

Allie woke up the next morning on Sandy and Patricia’s couch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just in case. Here's the song:  
> ["Sing Sing Sing" Benny Goodman](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_YG9XBX04Y%20)
> 
> And here's that quote again, the reason for things. 
> 
> "Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place." Iain Thomas (Not Kurt Vonnegut or Kurt Vonnegut Jr.)


	15. Compromised

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're gonna look, look at this first. It'll make sense later.  
> ["The Shop Around the Corner" - Trailer](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6HqoWwMrPVA)
> 
> Long-ass chapter. Enjoy?
> 
> And thanks for all the kudos and comments and all that! :D Hooray!

Allie walked around the house after waking up, it was still dark. She saw the oven, 4:59am. The one on the fridge said it was 8:52pm. She wondered if anyone was ever late because one of these clocks was wrong. Allie found her bag on the counter and checked her phone. Officially it was 4:30am. So she probably only slept whatever happened off. Her stomach had that hollow feeling. She walked over to the fridge that had a note: Soup in the fridge, bananas good for nausea, stay away from dairy, drink water, a can of ginger ale for the nausea. 

Aside from the hunger, Allie felt completely fine. This was definitely a sensory thing. There was a person that just arrived, whoever he was, he was the cause of everything and he was very, very bad news. Allie wanted Sandy to be awake already so she could ask what happened but didn't want to be rude. She thought. But it could be a matter of national security. Allie heated the chicken broth and tossed in some extra pepper and found some ginger to give the soup a good kick, if only they had potatoes. 

While she ate her revamped soup, and banana, Allie looked at pictures of her parents and her on her phone. There were more at home, but these were all she had right now. A few tears burned their way up her throat. She really wanted her mom’s garlic mashed potatoes. The glimpses of her dad in his red hat grilling chicken and laughing about something at work, while she and her mother cuddled on the hammock. Yes, even though she was old, she was still her baby, and too fucking far away. She shook her head, she could be sad later. It sure as hell wasn’t gonna do anything for her today. Allie took the note from the fridge and wrote a note for Sandy asking her to wake her when she was about to leave for work. She had questions.

Sandy rubbed her shoulder to coax Allie awake. She shot up, “What the fuck happened?” 

______

 

Sandy made bacon and pancakes for breakfast. “I don’t think you should have any of this. I mean, it’s food poisoning!”

“Trust me. I want that breakfast Sandy,” Allie said, in grave seriousness. “I will be fine.”

Sandy grinned, “You’d say anything to have pancakes and bacon. That’s what I think.”

Allie started opening all the cupboards, “Where are the plates?” 

Sandy peered up. “Almost there. Pull—”

“I’m getting three for each of us.” And placed the plates on the burner beside the sizzling pan. “Two of each please. Do you have orange juice?”

Allie dug in. Patricia popped in for a second to assess Allie and then went back to take a shower. 

“Why do you always set a place for her even though she never has a chance to sit with you?”

“You set the plates this time, but I just like to hope. One day, soon. We will have breakfast together. For more than four minutes.”

Allie shook her head. “Last night wasn’t food poisoning. I’m completely fine.”

Sandy eyed her already near-clean plate. “I can see that. Fact of the matter is that’s what they’re saying. Five people near you got sick too and at the exact same time Pierce showed to the party.” 

Allie froze. Pierce. “Who is he?” 

“Secretary of the World Security Council.”

Allie swallowed hard. “And what does that mean exactly?”

“He oversees SHIELD with the Council.”

Allie stared at the syrup splotch on the side of her plate. “I see.”

“Something the matter?”

Allie shook her head, too distracted to care how convincing she was. 

“Don’t worry about going in to work. I told them you’d be out for two days. No one’s expecting you till Thursday.”

“Sandy—” 

“I’ll have someone to watch movies with when I get home for a few days.”

All this time, Allie didn’t know how lonely Sandy was. And a little anger flared up at Patricia for leaving her alone so much. What a wife. But a doctor did keep long hours. She was doing people a great service. She seemed like a great doctor too. “Fine! But I get to pick.” Maybe she should ask Steve to come over too and watch “Beauty and the Beast.”

“Here. I’ve got a wonderful surprise for you.” And grabbed her phone from the counter. A few moments later Allie’s phone chimed. Allie squeaked with delight when she saw the texts. Apparently someone hired a photographer last night and had taken gorgeous pictures of her dancing with Steve. Her favorite was of her mid-laugh, eyes crinkled shut, kicking a leg in the air with Steve, at the happiest she’d ever seen him. “There’s a pool going. If you want me to win, be a June bride.”

Allie lightly slapped Sandy on her arm. “Stop it. All of you!” 

Sandy giggled. “Okay, I’ll be home around 5, I like to watch at least two movies and have at least one nice glass of wine.”

“I won’t go to work, but I’d like to get some movies from home or go food shopping. How do we do this?”

“Tell you what…” Sandy went in the hallway and produced a set of keys. “These are mine. I have no way of getting in. I get home at 5 abouts, so do what you want until then, but just be sure to get here before I do.”

Allie nodded deal. Allie’s phone chimed with a message. Steve. 

____

 

Steve offered to pick her up, but she had an opportunity to go to his blame-dang apartment. She was not gonna pass up this fucking chance. Steve texted her the address. 

Allie trotted up the steps to the beautiful corner building and was buzzed up. She sniffed the deep old oak smell of the hallway. Apartments were fun sometimes. She felt the laughter of past tenants, heard the cries of their babies, and felt the flush of lust roaring through couples that used to press up against these hallways at night. 

Steve opened the door. “Hey!” And Allie walked in. The apartment was definitely a bachelor’s pad. A lot of leather, but soft all at the same time. And sweet. 

“How are you doing?”

Allie shrugged. “I’m good. Actually…” There was a hum coming from somewhere. Couldn’t Steve hear it? 

“Everyone around us got sick too. I felt a little sick myself, but I don’t get sick. Not anymore. So I don’t understand it.”

Steve had felt sick too. Did she do that? But that wasn’t her power. Were they growing? Could she make people feel what she was feeling now? That's why everyone got sick too, and at the same time. Not a physical power exactly, but a development. More time would have to be spent. More observations. Was she that much closer to telekineses?

Allie took in the shelves of history books and the record player and the blankets on his couch and recliner. She sniffed the air, with eyes wide. “I know that smell.” 

“What?” 

“It’s syrup. I smell syrup.” Allie glared at him, jokingly. “You been lying with your eggs and omelets.”

Allie popped open his retro fridge and found the bottle top all the way in the back of the immaculate fridge and pulled out the bottle. “J’accuse!” 

Steve frowned, “That’s… Just nothing.”

“I don’t believe you.”

Steve shrugged. “I just… I eat pancakes.”

Allie gasped. 

“Sometimes.”

“You never eat pancakes with me and Sandy! You don’t even ask for a bite.”

Steve sighed, looking down. 

A sadness draped over Allie’s chest. She shouldn’t press the issue. Looking around for something else to talk about Allie found an open sketchbook and a beautiful sketch of a window with a view. “This is really pretty. Steve, did you do this?”

“Yeah, I like to sketch sometimes. I was in art school with— I was in art school, when the war started.”

“Draw me like one of your French girls.” Allie said coyly and posed. 

“That’s probably a pop culture reference that everyone knows.”

Allie blinked. “Maybe we’ll add that to our list of things to watch, or maybe you can watch that on your own.”

Steve canted his head. “Why is that?”

Allie shook her head and shrugged a shoulder. “No reason.” She grinned. 

After the apartment, Allie grabbed a few movies from home and a photo album she could look at and made her way to Whole Foods. She got a bottle of moscato for the two of them and a little of the soap she could use, for home. She got some organic butternut squash, thick sliced bacon, dry vermouth, cream, leeks, and chicken stock. She was back at Sandy’s by 2pm and detected from the silent emptiness that Patricia had gone too. 

Allie pan-fried the bacon first. The butternut squash was supposed to be cut and roasted; Allie regretting her choice as she had to hammer a knife into the squash with a wooden spoon to crack into it and to peel it. And then there was the washing over and over of her hands that retained that sticky substance that came out of that damn gourd. Allie found some ‘adequate’ olive oil, and tossed the square orange chunks in a pan with a bit of the bacon grease and roasted them on high for 40 minutes. Allie boiled the hard green leek tops in the chicken stock while she sweated the white leek parts in butter and vermouth at certain intervals. In the end, she blended the chicken leek broth with the roasted squash, even more vermouth. There was another reason Sandy and her got along. Booze. Allie giggled. She added pepper and a bit of cream to the mix and put it back in the pan to simmer. 

She checked the time on her phone. Sandy would be home in an hour or so. 

Allie looked at the photo album for all of ten seconds. The pictures pulling too hard on her heart. Later. She grabbed her phone and looked at the contact for the her parent's house phone, but didn't call. Not now. Not for a long while until this was all dealt with. Pierce had to go on that list as soon as possible. She couldn’t ask Sandy to oder the latte at that cafe. Would the order go through if she sent someone else? Probably not. Would someone else be watching? She had to keep Sandy safe. Tomorrow morning, she’d go. Sandy’d be home any minute. The window would open in the afternoon anyway and Sandy would have her key back. Allie was going to work the next day anyway. 

That evening Sandy set out an empty bowl for Patricia and huddled with Allie on the couch. The soup was a hit along with the moscato. Allie picked “The Shop Around the Corner,” which had Sandy rolling her eyes.

“Black and white?”

“I like this stuff. I stay over and I get pick what we watch. And it’s one of my favorite movies, that was the deal. We’ll see what you have to say at the end of the movie, okay!” 

Sandy huffed. She moved around a bit during the movie, maybe she was a little bored. The movie did move a lot slower than a lot of the movies today. But Allie got a movie from last year, to keep things even. 

“That was cute. I get why you like it,” Sandy offered.

Ally raised a brow. “But it’s not your cup of tea?" 

Sandy squeezed her eyes shut for a moment. "I’m more of an action-film person. Or rom-coms.”

“Well, that’s what I got for our next movie!” And pulled out “Don Jon.””

Sandy grinned. “He’s cute.”

“Aren’t you gay?”

“I may be a lesbian, but I still have eyes. Haven’t you ever thought a girl was cute?”

Allie thought. Sheryl was actually pretty but she was really closed-off. “Jennifer Lawrence.”

Sandy slapped Allie’s thigh a little too hard. God, she had heavy hands. “There’s my girl!”

Sandy liked this one a lot more. A lot more sounds. "Oohs!" and "Ohs!" and a lot of laughing and "awws." Sandy was a very vocal movie-watcher. There was also a lot of sexy stuff and Joseph Gordon-Levitt was very hot in this one. “Scarlett, absolutely gorgeous. But I really don’t like the typical blonde bombshell look. I like a bit of a different look,” Sandy smiled.

They kept the bowl out. Sandy wrote a note for Patricia and went on to bed. Allie would wake up early and tell her she was going home that day and she’d see her the next day at work.

Allie slept through the morning. And groaned when she missed talking to Sandy to her face. She wrote a small note and put it on the living room table. Allie checked the sink real quick, maybe clean the dishes before leaving. She found a soaking bowl with remnants of her soup. Patricia had some very late last night. 

Allie went to the cafe first. She couldn’t help but look all around her. She closed her eyes. Her heart was palpitating now, her chest tight. While she waited for the afternoon, she’d get a refill of albuterol for sure. 

In the cafe, she had to be exact and ordered the black sesame lemongrass latte, “the largest size available,” and paid. After the card was swiped, Allie regretted not using cash. Shit! She should have known better. Next time. But just to make sure she knew something was going to happen, Allie waited on her usual couch. Waited till customer after customer ordered and got their lattes, after Allie. She looked up her bank account and searched for her most recent purchase. The latte was not among her pending authorizations. For all intents and purposes, that meant the order got through. 

Allie went back home, showered and changed into jeans and a t-shirt. She took a moment to look at herself. She looked really young, she saw how young people saw her, a kid, not quite a baby face, but she could pass for a teen. First, she went to the bank and withdrew $200 dollars in twentys for her Spiderman backpack. Allie stopped at an urgent care to get a quick refill of her inhaler and bought a few travel size versions of her unscented organic lotion and black soap to pack in with her money. 

Allie changed into a button down and again carried only her bus pass, her key, and her one house key. 

At the building, she wrote down Rumlow’s name, finally. Then Alexander Pierce’s, and in big bold letters: URGENT!!!

She closed the book and knew she was going to die. At least, she knew the right people might be able to do something. God, she was going to die. She was going to die. 

Allie went to BevMo and picked up a bottle of Jameson. She had two shots that night. Should she even go to work? It was done. It was done. She might as well act normal. And see everyone again. She texted Steve.

YOU GONNA BE THERE TOMORROW?

HAVE A BRIEFING.

Allie’s stomach dropped. Steve was about to go on mission. If he remembered about the bells, he’d be safe. 

REMEMBER THE BELLS.

FIVE BELLS, DUCK.

Allie smiled. She would enjoy everything about tomorrow as much as possible. 

_______

 

Allie ran up to Jason and gave him a big spine-cracking hug.

“Jesus, Al! You’re stronger than you look.” 

“Only when it comes to hugs, Jason,” Allie saluted Jason and went to the desk. To Sandy.

“Sandy!” Allie beamed and pulled her up. “Come here.” And did the same to Sandy. She actually heard Sandy’s spine crack, eyes going wide as she pulled away. “Omigod! Are you okay, I can hug too hard sometimes.”

“I think I needed the adjustment. Allie, you got some set of hands on you!” 

Allie twisted innocently, arms behind her. “I’ve been told I give the best hugs.” She thought of the money in he bag. Her useless money. Maybe tell Sandy to give it to her parents finally. Leave a note. Tell someone. “Is Steve here?” 

“Earlier. But he should be coming down to find us anytime.” 

Allie nodded, looking at all the things on the desk. Thinking of her little box of office supplies she’d taken in this sort amount of time. Sandy’d go on her trips without her. No updating her in the next year being fancy in Europe. She wasn’t dying. She wasn’t dying. Steve would be able to do something about it, right? She just had to tell him first. 

But it all fell out of her head she saw the big blue blond figure walking over to them. She ran into his arms and tried to squeeze the life right out of him. 

Steve gripped hard in return, lifting her all the way up and twisted her around. Allie could tell he was holding back, he'd probably literally be able to squeeze the life out of her, if he wasn't careful. It wasn’t until they let got that she saw Natasha next to them.

Natasha cocked a brow at Steve. “Look who it is again! Is she the real reason, Rogers?” And smirked at Allie, with knowing eyes.

Steve pulled out a piece of folded paper from one of his stealth suits pockets. “Here.”

Allie opened the thick white sketch paper to reveal Steve’s work, a caricature of a tiger cub stalking forward through the page it seemed. “Is this me?” she grinned with wide eyes. She fingered around the sketch but never touched the picture itself. She didn't want to smudge it. 

“I wanted to give you a sketch of something. And I don't know... a tiger.”

“I love it.” And tears streamed down her eyes. Everyone would think they were just tears of gratitude, instead sadness,regret, and anger that all this was going to be ripped away from her. “Steve, I need to tell you…”

Natasha slapped Steve’s chest. “We’ve spent enough time down here. It’s wheels up, like two minutes ago.”

Steve grabbed Allie’s shoulder. “We’ll talk after I get back?”

“Right,” Allie nodded, head down. 

Steve started for the elevators when Natasha walked over and put something small and metal in Allie’s hand, making her look up into those green eyes. “Remember what I said about small things.” And guided it quickly into her pocket. Allie would look at it later. 

The whole day was spent talking to everyone, even Thomas. Rumlow was no where to be seen, but the whole STRIKE team was probably with Steve and Natasha. 

After work, Allie typed up the recipes for her soups and dropped them off at Sandy’s then Steve's. She took her copy of Matilda and wrote in the cover, even though she didn’t want to desecrate a book with writing in it, but this was a special case: 

 

This is one of my favorite books, Sandy. I know you might think it’s boring but I just wanted you to have it. Thank you for everything. :) I love you. 

 

Allie wrote on the back of the recipes for Patricia:

 

Pats, take your wife Europe. Have fun. Cook for her. Use your hands for something else besides patients. ;) I l love you, too. 

 

Allie still managed to laugh at the innuendo. Next was Steve. She ordered him that egg cookbook from Barnes and Noble. It would get to him within 5-7 business days because she wasn’t a member. She walked to his building forgetting that she had to be buzzed in. So she waited until someone finally came out. 

The man was taken aback but Allie grinned wide. “Thank you so much. First week, lost my keys already.” And shook her head emphatically, as she pressed inside. 

The man didn’t speak, maybe he didn’t speak English. Allie ran up the stairs and slipped the papers underneath the door.

“Hey!” said a female voice. 

Allie turned to see a tall blonde woman, with the warmest energy around her. SHIELD definitely, even though she was in pastel flower scrubs. A cover? “I just wanted to give Steve some papers, some recipes.” This looked bad. 

“What kind of recipes?” The woman peered curiously. 

“Dried plum lamb stew and butternut squash soup.”

“Lamb stew? Like from the Hunger Games?”

Allie smiled, still not sure if this woman wasn’t gonna call the cops on her. “Exactly!” And took two slow side-steps away. “So, I’m just gonna head.” Allied pointed her thumb down the hall. “I’m... I'm gonna go.”

“Hey, if you’ve got anything else for him, I’d be glad to get it to him and you won’t have to deal with that pesky door again,” she said, with a small smile. 

“Sure.” And Allie walked a little too quickly back down the hall. 

Back at home and in bed, Allie took the metal thing out of her pocket. It was a long bullet at the end of a keychain. She felt the urge to keep it with her key. What good could that do now? She lay awake after three shots of Jameson. Eyes closing, the drink dragging her into sleep before her eyes snapped open to a sense. Not too much of a surprise from everything she was expecting to happen. The feeling, the only think pulling her out. The bolt, the bench. Compromised again. There it was. She would not be going back even to the new location. 

Early in the morning, Allie went to the bench and felt for the bolt. Her fingers found no grooves this time. This was just a regular old bolt now. The operation was over now. It was only a matter of time. 

______

 

Allie still walked over the bridge to work and waited. Waited for the shot. Or whatever it was. Watching for it. 

When she saw all the flowers on their desk, she thought she was dreaming. Flowers completely covered it. A crowd of people huddled in groups in the too-quiet lobby that still somehow felt empty, even with all the people. Everyone from different departments patting Allie on the shoulder saying things too quickly and too quietly to properly hear. This was a weird fucking dream. What the fuck was this? Where was she supposed to put her stuff and Sandy’s things. 

Jason came over with red eyes. Allie frowned at Jason, and sniffed the air around him. Had he been smoking pot? And coming to work blazed? 

“Allie,” he said, his voice breaking. 

She glared at him. He was crying. Allie rolled her eyes at him. Keep it together, Jason, she thought. Come on! 

“Allie, it’s Sandy. She—she had a heart attack late last night. Allie, she’s gone.”


	16. The Timetable Has Moved

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hadn't expected it, but because of Allie, everything has literally moved up, which accounts for disparities between this particular part and the very first part of this fic. Whoops! 
> 
> But we catch up with it for the most part. It will only get worse before it gets better.

The rest of that afternoon was a blur of faces, hands, and moving mouths that looked like, felt like, and sounded like the same damn thing. So many “sorrys” and sad faces, actual tears, red eyes, and hands being clapped on her back or shoulders. She remembered how heavy Sandy’s hands were. If it had been someone else who died, she kept feeling Sandy’s claps on her back, the rubs of all the times they hugged or huddled close and her soapy smell. Allie’s throat burned with tears, so she looked up and cleared her throat until the urge to cry disappeared. 

Allie walked down the hall and ran into Thomas.

“Hey,” he said, with soft eyes.

“Yeah, hey,” Allie said, her tone particularly short.

“Look, I’m sorry—”

Allie glared at Thomas. “For what? Did you kill her? No. Don’t apologize.” 

Thomas stepped closer. Each step a hitch in her throat, and that much closer to her sobbing right there. “Allie…” He raised his arms for a hug. 

Allie sidestepped him and ran to the stairwell. “Sorry, lots to do… Catch you later, Thomas.” She sighed deep as the heavy door echoed shut. She only meant to let out another breath when it shuddered in her throat and brought out everything she’d been holding back. She remembered her own hands with paper towels when she was first meeting with Sandy, being too nervous, wiping her hand on her own skirt. Saw her arms link with Sandy’s on walks through these hallways and to the cafeteria and with Steve. Steve who was still gone. The only other person around Allie could talk to, and she had no way to find out where he’d gone and for how long. Allie choked back laughter as another tear slipped down her cheek. What if he was dead too? And she didn’t even know. Nick hadn’t been seen or heard from for a whole month. Suddenly it all felt like a mistake. If Allie hadn't shown up and wanted to make a difference, maybe Sandy would still be alive. But even if that, everyone else would be in danger and wouldn’t have been around to stop people from further infiltrating SHIELD. And zero people would have known about what was going on underneath the Triskelion and "above" it. Zero people would have known Pierce to be a danger. But how would that help anything if they had no manpower, and if everyone in their camp was already fucking dead? There was only doing the right things at the expense of everything else, it seemed. 

A whisper echoed through the stairwell. Allie had no real way to tell if it was in her head or if someone had actually said it. She knew that word. She knew that phrase. Never heard it actually said except for some boys going around whispering it to classmates in 3rd grade, after learning about it in social studies class. “Hail, HYDRA.” 

Allie bolted out of the stairwell not caring how much noise it made. They might not have seen her, if anyone was there at all, she was too terrified to conduct herself. Was it real? Was she losing it?

An agent approached her, “Miss Kershaw. You’re needed in Fury’s office.”

Allie looked at him curiously. Was Fury actually there? 

“Wanted to touch base with you because of Sandy and your duties here,” the agent patted Allie's shoulder. 

Allie went on to Fury’s office, clenching and unclenching her fists over and over again. This was very different. Open. Everything was changing. 

When Allie opened the door, Fury was not there, but a woman in a tac suit. She had long hair in a neat bun. “Miss Kershaw?”

Allie recognized the voice, eyes widening and opened her mouth to speak. Agent Hill. 

“Secure office.”

The windows dimmed again. “When that happens, how secure is the office?”

“The office activates a frequency that disrupts recording and surveillance devices. The integrity of everything else outside this building, though, may not be as reliable.”

“Where is the Director?”

“In New York. We were planning for everything here, but in light of new ‘information’ it was decided we use headquarters elsewhere.”

Allie nodded. And was given a small piece of paper.

“We need you to stay here.” And pressed her head down, while staring right into Allie’s eyes. 

Hill wasn’t being specific enough. And Allie couldn’t make anything out from that look. Maybe she was just being safe by just giving her a piece of paper. “Yes, ma’am.” Her head was too frazzled with anxiety and grief to sense anything. 

Allie took this opportunity to leave as quickly as possible. So she ran through all of Sandy’s memories so tears could fall freely again. She needed it to look like she was leaving because she was too sad to go on for the day. She got a hug from Jason for good measure and went on home. 

She grabbed her Spiderman backpack, new copy of Matilda, scissors, a change of black loose clothing and shoved it all in a larger black backpack. HYDRA. She went to a restaurant she didn’t frequent and thought of somewhere that didn’t have much surveillance. She went to an old mom and popish burger joint near on of the hospitals on the list, bought a soda with cash and took to the bathroom. HYDRA. She set her bag down and cut off her hair into a long bob. Why hadn't she asked Hill when she had the chance? Too distracted. Thoughts scattered. 

She left her soda on the counter, only needing to make a purchase to use the restroom. She went into a bathroom near a pharmacy at Good Samaritan and changed into her black loose clothes and threw her black bag in the trash. She went to the cafeteria, suspected this one was the type to close early since, it only had scrambled eggs on hot trays along with some frittata’d potatoes left. Allie grabbed a big bowl of eggs and laid on ketchup, how she used to eat eggs eggs when she was a kid. She wanted to cal her mom and dad. Fuck this all! Fuck it! She scarfed half of it down before the redundancy of the flavor made her gag with each new bite. The eggs were wet too. It was probably powdered eggs reconstituted with water and boiled in more water. Maybe they’d have better breakfast foods the next day. 

Allie read Matilda. Even if her sensing was more or less unreliable, the book kept her thinking she could move things if she just tried. She just wanted it to be true. Wasn’t that possible? Believe it enough and it could be true. But she didn’t live in a fairy tale. Sandy. Sandy’d be alive still if it was. Allie wouldn’t be on the run. Not for long anyway. Allie looked around the empty cafeteria and huddled around her styrofoam cup, holding her hand near it. Concentrating hard, willing it to move with her mind. Allie looked at the coffee maker and stared intently at the spigot to get hot coffee to pour out of the spout. Nothing. She sighed. Fuck! And walked on to Urgent Care. She passed a coded crash cart. She was only guessing now since she'd volunteered once at a hospital. The codes for the carts were too easy. She punched in 1-2-3-4-5 and the button with a red 'key' on it. The indicator light flashed and beeped green and Allie went through the drawers quickly and to get what she needed, masks. She shoved them in her bag, putting one on before going the rest of the way into Urgent Care. This way she would look like she’d been seen before and was only waiting to be seen by a doctor. That would buy a few hours of quiet, to sleep and read. 

“Miss?” A nurse grasped Allie’s shoulder, startling her awake.

Allie pulled off the mask that was too warm with her breath, half of it hanging off one ear, eyeing the insanely packed room of coughing, shuffling bodies. 

“Ma’am. have you been seen yet?”

Shit. “I’m just waiting for a doctor.” Allie shrugged.

“Who, Miss? You been here for hours.”

“Dr. Vashishta.”

The nurse scrunched her face, shaking her head. “There’s no doctor here by that name.”

Fuck! Allie sat up straight. “Oh, that may have been the emergency room. Is this the emergency room? I’m in the wrong area. I—” Allie ran down the hall, catching a glimpse of the nurse speaking into her little device. Was she calling security? Shit! That meant she had to leave. It wouldn’t be wise to leave. 

Allie walked out into the dark evening, pulling her hoodie over her forehead. She just needed to get to the next hospital, her parent’s one would be best, Kaiser. She’d be taken care of there. Seen, but sequestered within two restricted access areas and even if anything happened she knew the hospital layout well, all the secret ways in and out. There, she could make it till morning. Stay there indefinitely. It was gonna be okay. 

But on the way, she passed two young guys dressed just like her, huddled around a phone. She’d kept the key around her neck now and kept the bullet keychain in her pocket, easier to get a hold of.

“Oh, shit!” One of them yelled. 

“That happened here?” The other chimed in.

“What the fuck is going on?” The first one, laughed.

What were they looking at? Against her better judgement, and everything else in her telling her she needed to get to Kaiser as soon as possible; instead, Allie stopped near the boys. They looked close to her age. 

“What’re you looking at?”

“Check it out. Captain America and the Black Widow.”

Allie stared with wide eyes as she saw clips of Steve and Natasha being shot at by STRIKE near Virginia Ave. 

“Cap’s gone rogue! Oh shit!” One enthused a hand on his mouth.

“No, he wouldn’t,” Allie’s tone, hard and defensive. He was the one being shot at.

The guys laughed and pulled up an article from not that much earlier. Pictures of an overturned black SUV on the street. The caption on the bottom: 

 

"Fury, Director of SHIELD attacked just a day after the Lemurian Star (SHIELD ship) bombed in the Atlantic. Captain Rogers and Black Widow implicated in both incidents along with an unknown operative." 

 

Among the images of Steve and Natasha in civies, revealed a masked-man dressed in all black wielding a metal arm, that she couldn’t draw anything from. Surprise, surprise. Allie thought, Steve would never. She didn’t really know Natasha, but she had given her something that was supposed to help her. Whatever it was. And Natasha worked for Fury too. It was a smear campaign for sure. It had to be that unknown guy, along with STRIKE. Allie had to fucking get going. 

“Looks like he did go rogue.” Allie stepped away, feigning shock and walked away from the boys still looking at fight footage. Allie could hear the shots and explosions from their phone. She slipped her hand on the base of the bullet. Kaiser. Safety. She should have asked if Steve and Natasha made it out alive. But she had to stay alive too. She could find out in the waiting room. There’d be a TV with the news on it for sure. 

She made her way across Frederick Douglass Bridge. About a mile away from the hospital now. She’d run into some of her parent’s co-workers. They'd give her extra food or apple juices and stay in their break room.

A woman passed by, a stern look plastered on her face and slapped a phone in her hand. Allie sighed. Yes! Hill.

“Hello?” Allie grinned. 

“Hello, sweetheart,” the voice crooned. And Allie’s stomach dropped. Her hands were shaking. She looked around. Before he could say more, Allie threw the phone on the ground and bolted. There was no one in sight. No cars, no people, not even a fucking pigeon. They wouldn’t pull anything with people everywhere, would they? But they just did. And with Steve and Natasha. Shit! She was definitely fucked. Telekinetic abilities would be so much better to have. She chewed her lip as breaths struggled to make their way out of her. She’d gotten that albuterol refill but realized she didn’t fucking pack it. How stupid was that? She wheezed once before a hard leather-clad chest hit her back. A hand clamped over her mouth. Allie grabbed the bullet at the base and squeezed it. The bullet elongated and sparks flew out. As quickly as she could, Allie shoved the end right on her assailant’s body. 

Zap! 

Allie felt her body straighten up like a board, right along with the man behind her. The man dropped, Allie falling on top of him with a dull thud. It happened just as quickly. Another man shoved her onto her stomach and pulled a black hood over her head.


	17. The Farm House

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *TRIGGER WARNING* Rape/Non-con/Psychological torture
> 
> You've been warned. 
> 
> On the plus side, our best friend has finally arrived.
> 
> Long chapter. (Longer than the others previously posted.)

When the hood was pulled off, Allie’s teeth were already chattering. The room itself was cold, but still had on her hoodie. Allie guessed there was another reason it was so damn cold for her. Allie was staring into the hard blue eyes of Alexander Pierce. Nausea filling her, but not enough to throw up again. She hadn’t eaten much and it was too long ago to bring it back up.

“So you’re the one causing us all this trouble.”

Allie glanced around the room. Metal walls lined with pipes everywhere, in the distance she could hear a pulse monitor indicating a normal heart beat. But of what? There were barred doors on her left. Perhaps something else was there. 

“We lost your boyfriend.” Allie turned her head to Rumlow’s voice. 

Allie lit up. “Steve’s alive?”

“Not for long,” Rumlow shook his head once.

Pierce cleared his throat. “You’ve thrown a wrench in our plans for too long. And now—” 

“Are you going to kill me?” Allie swallowed. 

“You know how we captured you right?” Pierce asked Allie.

Allie thought back, the device must have malfunctioned because it zapped her too. 

He pulled the bullet keychain out. “Step forward.”

A STRIKE agent came up beside him. Pierce squeezed the bullet and pushed the end onto the man. He let out a groan and Pierce retracted the device, unaffected.

It didn’t malfunction that time. Allie squinted at his hand. “I thought—”

“You tried to taze him. You did. But you tazed yourself because of what you are. And I know what you are.” He peered at her. “Can you move things? With your mind?”

Allie shook her head. “My powers don’t work that way.”

“I don’t think you’ve tried hard enough. And we haven’t tried at all.”

Just what were they planning?

“Suppose our new plan doesn’t work. We’ll still have something valuable. But something that could inevitably produce the same results on an albeit smaller scale. If our plan succeeds, you’ll be dead anyway.”

“So you’re not gonna kill me?”

Rumlow walked over with a smile. “God you’re fucking dense.”

Allie huffed, all that anger surging through her. And lunged for him. Two agents grasped her shoulders back. 

There was a crash in the next room, and the sound like a room full of rifles coming up at once. 

Alexander walked to Rumlow. “Keep her intact. Do whatever it takes to get her to manifest.” The barred door was opened and Pierce was let inside. 

Rumlow stroked Allie’s hair. “Not much to hold onto, is there?” He had heavy hands too. Heavy callused hands. 

Allie’s heart began to palpitate and she didn’t know why. Her breaths came hard and fast. Heavy dread blanketing over her before she could hear the surge of electricity both in her head and in the next room. She wondered what on earth it was before she felt cold plates come around her head. But she knew there was nothing there. The familiar crackle she’d heard and felt in the Smithsonian hammered and roared through her skull, seemingly piercing through her ears. Then men still had their hands on her as she convulsed, a scream ripping though her throat. Then theirs. Everyone in the whole room bustling around. Someone else was screaming, besides her, besides them. A man. Somewhere else.

The guards dropped her. Allie crawling up on her hands and knees, her limbs weak from the shock. The door squeaked open and expensive shoes stood beside her. Pierce pulling her head up by her hair. “I don’t waste useful things.” And shoved her head back down. No, nothing was in her stomach, but bile, hot, bitter, sour bile that made it’s way out of her and onto the floor. A hood was shoved over her face again.

It was a short car ride, but they were speeding the whole way. With the distance, she suspected she was being taken out of the city. And when they stopped, she knew they weren’t far enough for cars, but it was certainly too far for her to find help if she ever managed to escape. 

The SUV door opened. Allie was led across dry grass, guided up a step through what sounded like a screen door, and shoved inside. It even tapped closed a few times at the end. Old door. The hood was yanked off. Allie’s heart palpitated, scanning the old orange scruff carpet, the green tile, and retro floral pattern. She heard laughter again, felt it bubble through her. Children. Children grew up here. She heard a dog barking. She couldn’t stop the momentary grin. Her abilities weren’t completely gone after all. But her heart was still going. 

Rumlow walked through the door and turned outside. “I want you, here.” 

Allie turned to the door. Rumlow and the man with the metal arm stalking through the door. What was striking, was that he had a completely blank stare, simply standing in front of the door. 

Alright, they were in an old abandoned house, men all around and Rumlow was ordered to keep her “intact.” What the fuck did that mean?

Rumlow grinned, “Boss wants you to manifest.”

Telekinesis? “I already said, I don’t do that.”

He rushed up and squeezed her jaw, shoving her head onto the wall. “It’s my job to make sure you do. However long it takes. But we got plans in the morning. We’ll be back.” He let her jaw go. Allie wriggling and massaging her chin. “You got a degree in psychology, don’t you, babe?”

Allie nearly retched again, swallowing hard at the term of endearment. “Yes,” she spat, like she still had the luxury to have an attitude. And turned to look at the man at the door again. “Is he like, some sort of robot?”

“They done studies on trauma. We’ve done our own studies. See, we fuck you up enough. More of your abilities will come out. After a month, or several. Then when we actually “enhance” you. Who knows how much more you’ll be capable of.”

Allie's eyes widened. Quiet house. Torture. They were gonna torture her in order to get her to manifest? Allie shook her head. “What if I don’t? What if—”

“Then you’re dead. As soon as you walked in that door, you were dead.”

No, she wasn't. She was still fucking kicking. Allie backed up into the man again. He felt so still inside. His eyes looked so watery, betraying the calmness she detected. Rumlow nodded to the man. He used his flesh-hand to push her closer to Rumlow, who grabbed a picture frame from the living room mantle then hucked it right at her. 

Allie smacked it away. “Ah!” Her hand throbbed with the impact. “What the fuck?”

“Deflect it.” And hurled a book at her. It opened up and dropped a few feet in front of Allie’s feet. “Okay, that was a poor choice.” And drew his gun. 

Allie focused right on the barrel, trained on the center of her chest. “I thought you weren’t supposed to kill me.”

“If you’re missing a pinky on your hand or foot, I don’t think he’d mind,” Rumlow grinned and stepped forward. “Asset?”

The man seized her hand, grouping all her fingers and thumb together, leaving her pinky out and free. Rumlow raised the gun. 

He wasn't serious. “Oh god! Please don’t. Please don’t. Can’t we do this some other—”

Click. Allie’s heart stopped. But nothing happened. Still that didn’t keep her heart from thudding dangerously fast, her chest tightening. And found her breaths not going all the way out. 

“Maybe you’re right. Maybe you’re not. You really haven’t fucked Rogers yet, have you?”

The hell kind of question was that? Allie froze with the realization. She knew where this was headed. Intact. Physically. Most of the torture was going to be psychological. 

“Have you fucked anyone? Anyone at all?”

Allie looked down. She didn’t want to think it. He couldn’t possibly do that to her. 

“So we make the process easier, faster, I have something to show you.” And pulled out his phone from his pocket. “Now you might think this is overkill but I am a thorough guy, as you’ll find out. I promise.” He clicked and swiped and gave her his phone, a picture already on the screen. “Go on, scroll through. I don’t mind,” he chuckled. 

Allie took a small gasp, going through picture after picture of her parents at their new house. Pictures from all around, through windows, from trees. Allie started to laugh. “Did you kill them? Are they already dead?”

Rumlow leaned close, his lips on her ear. “See, sweetheart. This is how we’re gonna really got you to cooperate. They’re still alive, but if you cross us, they’re dead.” He walked back. 

Allie’s hands were shaking now, but she clenched her free hand shut to steel herself. “I don’t believe you.”

“No problem.” And grabbed the phone back from her and typed something. “Give them a call!”

The phone was set to call a saved number affectionately labeled “Mom & Dad.” No. All this time. She did all that stuff to keep them safe and it amounted to nothing at all. Allie choked back a sob. And pressed the button.

Rumlow looked at his watch. “West coast.”

Allie squeezed her eyes shut and held the phone to her ear. He knew. 

“Might be asleep, but if you want to wake ‘em.”

Allie’s breath hitched in her throat, the tightness not leaving. If she didn’t have an inhaler, a steam might help her but not if this was going to continue for god knows how long. The phone rang and rang. A part of her almost wanted them dead and felt horrible for it. At least that way, she could make a run for it. She couldn't be used against her will and— 

“Hello?” Her mother groggily answered. Allie heard a loud sputtering snore. Her father. “Who is this? Do you have any idea what time—” Allie shut off the call before she could laugh at her mom’s tone with her father's classic snore. They were alive. Her father slept through the ringing phone, of course, but the call definitely woke her mom up. 

“We’ll let you call them every so often. Just do what we tell you. Got it?”

Allie hung her head. 

“Answer.”

Allie held her head up. “Yes, sir.”

“Time to go outside.”

A chorus of crickets and owls went on outside under a bright, full, yellow moon. Allie would have considered it a wonder during less dire circumstances. 

The men surrounded her in a circle. A short stick was the first to hit her. Then a boot. Some of the men laughed. “Did you just throw your fuckin’ shoe?” More laughing. Someone shot a pebble right on her thigh. She winced. A stick hit her shoulder. Another pebble. And on and on it went. She used her hands again and again, only blocking them, but never being able to push them away with her mind. 

“Hey!” Allie turned to the voice quickly enough to see a rock hurtling towards her, hitting and scratching her arm. 

Rumlow walked towards her. “Guys, guys, not so rough,” he chuckled. “Take off your shirt and pants.” 

Allie’s eyes widened. “What?”

“I don’t wanna ask again.”

Allie grabbed her shirt hem before she could think about it and felt the key dangling over her belly button. Shit! 

“What the hell is that?”

Allie froze. 

Rumlow reached in his pocket and produced a matching key. Then snatched Allie's from her neck. What the fuck? 

“Guess who I got this from?” he sneered. 

Allie shook her head. 

“Your old best friend.”

Allie gasped. “Sandy? You killed her?”

“Your new best friend did. Real quiet.”

“But it was a heart attack—”

“We had bigger players to kill. Wouldn’t do to get them suspicious.”

Nick. Steve. Natasha. 

“Pneu-dart full of potassium chloride. Mimics a heart attack. Our boy shot and found this key that looks just like yours.”

Had they found the ledger?

“What’s it for, Al?”

Allie shook he head, “I don’t know.”

“I told you, I don’t want to ask again—”

“I was supposed to report to different buildings and turn my key in a slot, stay for half an hour, then leave. That’s it. That’s all. That's all!”

She tried to keep her face as still as possible. Hoping he believed it enough. It was plausible. Anyone who knew Nick. And it was true. Just Sandy's end of it, from what Rumlow hinted. 

Rumlow tilted his head back, swept his hand through his hair and groaned, blubbering in the wind. “Fuckin’ A.” He didn’t have to get the guards to do anything anymore. “Inside, now.” 

Allie walked slowly back to the house. What now? What now? What time was it? If Steve could find her, save her. They could save her family too. Get a message to Steve wherever he was, to Agent Hill even. 

The three of them were alone in the house again. The warmth of it burning her skin with the contrast from the cold air outside. 

“Tell me. Do you want me to fuck you?”

Allie froze. Everything in her screaming. They could have just killed her. She walked right into this. Wanting to help. Trying to help. Staying. Doing an absolute crap job with running away. He was still looking at her. He asked a question. He definitely wanted a quick answer. But which answer did he want. Did he want to play that game? 

“Yes.” Allie bit her lips together. 

“Take off your clothes.”

Allie found herself looking at the Asset, still with that nothing stare. Her heart started to pound.

“You want to fuck him too? You can. I mean he probably hasn’t had a real hard-on for 50 years.” He nodded up to him. “Hey, your junk still work?” No response. Rumlow eyed her pants. 

Allie pushed them down. She was surprisingly calm, despite her thumping heart. She totally knew how to work this. Maybe Steve already knew where she was. Any of them, all of them. She just had to bide Rumlow’s time. 

Rumlow trailed his eyes up and down her body waiting for the rest of her clothes. Allie fought the urge to laugh. He said he didn’t like asking a second time. But he kept right on doing it, although quietly. Empty threats, and pulled the rest of her underwear off. It was strange being naked in front of two men. Allie side-eyed the Asset again, maybe just his arm was metal, but he was still a dude. She wondered if she could illicit a response from him. 

“On the floor.”

Allie laid down, a smile on her face. At least this part was easy. Really easy. She stared at the spider cracks in the paint on the ceiling and wondered if this house still had asbestos in it. And thought of that silly attorney infomercial. Allie giggled. 

“Cracking up already?”

Allie ignored him and dug her fingers in the scruffy carpet. How clean was it? She might get a rash from a dirty floor. No one ever thought that was pretty. Or when she had dry skin, or when she got stressed out and got an eczema flare up. He pulled off his shirt, revealing a chest of dark curly hair. Ugh! He was a man alright, "alright" looking with a terrible attitude and personality. She gasped when he grabbed her by both ankles and pulled her close to him. “Open your legs real wide, sweetheart.” Allie obliged with a grin on her face. The tip felt like a thick finger, it was just another type of body part. It was so weird. Why was it like this? She gasped when he shoved himself all the way inside in one thrust. She felt surprisingly full. And it burned. She wondered if the dog slept in the house, if it had lain on the carpet where she was or ever peed on the carpet. He moved over her, in her. She could hear the dog panting, maybe it was Rumlow. In her head, it was a sort of golden retriever mix. Maybe part poodle. On and on Rumlow moved, the burning replaced by the simple feeling of his flesh moving within her. This was honestly the most boring thing that ever happened to her. Terribly. Annoyingly boring. She could see it in his face. She wanted to laugh again. He looked so tired, like he was raring to get somewhere but never coming close. He groaned in frustration and pulled out. God, was he done yet? He yanked her up enough and pushed her till she was down on all fours and fucked her that way too. Then she heard it and finally understood why people equated clapping sounds to sex. The sound of his skin smacking into hers. Eureka! There it was. She finally got the joke. 

She waited and waited and waited again, biting her lip to keep from smiling. Even if the burn was coming back. As if he could see her smirking at him. Was he okay? Wasn’t this supposed to be a sort of short affair? How long had he been doing this for anyway? He sounded too much like he was working. Wasn’t this supposed to be fun? He groaned again and shoved her so hard, her face almost smacked into the carpet. She held back another chuckle. Ridiculous. And flipped her over again. 

He loomed over her, face just an inch above hers. “Tell me you want me to fuck you.” He laid a heavy hand on her chest, part of his palm on her breast. “Now, I don’t want one of those weak-ass responses. You have to make me believe it. You understand.”

“Yes.” 

“Are you ready?” he smiled, too sweet, too gentle.

“Yes,” she grinned. 

He smacked her across the face and scowled. “No. Tell me ‘no.’”

Allie looked at him confused. “No?”

“Don’t play fucking dumb!” He looked up at the Asset, for a moment. Why?

Allie looked up too but Rumlow grabbed her head back down. “Fight me, like you don’t want my cock. If you don’t give it everything you’ve got, then that’s the end.”

She could do this. 

“Do you want me to fuck you?”

She grabbed the emotion, the words, everything and twisted her face into sheer terror, mangling her voice into this tiny sniveling thing. “Please don’t. Please don’t do this.” 

He smiled and grabbed her leg. She kicked it up as hard as she could and got free. She got free. But he grabbed her other leg and then he had both her ankles again. And pulled her beck to him. No. She kicked, but he slammed her legs onto the carpet banging her heels onto the floor. "Ah!" she groaned. He pushed till he he was over her. He whispered “stop” before pushing himself all the way in her again, with deep, hard, quick thrusts that made Allie gasp. The burn was back. Pinching, scraping, like a thick hot stick, wrapped in sandpaper. She was clenching her toes now. "Stop," he whispered again. Sucking her ear, nibbling on her ear lobes. He wanted her to say it. 

She wanted it to stop. Stop. Allie took hold of that word. “Stop. Stop! Please, stop.” Yelling it over and over until it didn't even sound like she was talking anymore.

He grinned. "Does it hurt?"

And pushed at him with her hands and wrists and kicked and twisted as hard as she could, with all of her might. "Yes, it hurts! Please, stop!" Tears pooled in her eyes. He was already in her, he just wanted her to struggle. His hands trailed down, cupping her ass, hammering that much more into her. She was biting her lip now. When was it gonna end? They'd leave, they'd be back again to do it all over again. She was shoving at his shoulder, when Rumlow was lifted off her. 

Allie looked around for her clothes, seeing the Asset with his hand around Rumlow’s throat. There was no time. No time to think. She grabbed on her pants and shirt, noticing she was moving a lot slower than normal, like she was underwater. Everything in the house seemed so far away, like looking through a fish eye. She made her way through the kitchen and opened the door. Men were right in front of the door as Rumlow bellowed. The men pushed her back inside and butting their rifles on the Asset’s face. All of them yelling incoherent orders. 

Rumlow grabbed her hand and lead her through the hall and into a little girl’s bedroom. Everything had ponies on it and the room was a baby green and yellow. “Get on the bed,” he glowered. 

Ooh, he was mad now. Allie lay down, her body already knowing. He clipped handcuffs on her wrist and posted it on the bed and promptly got off the bed. So no more fucking?

She twisted her hands around, the metal clattering around. She coughed a few times. There it was. It wasn’t gonna kill her but it was gonna be a long night. 

She giggled. “I need to go tinkle!”

Rumlow walked out and shut the door. A soft, but burly man came back with a bowl. And gave her a roll of paper towels and shut the door again. Allie set the bowl on the bed and carefully peed in the bowl, then wiped herself with the paper towel. She had to look close, there was a bit of pink on the paper. Interesting. And set the bowl and paper towel row on the furthest corner of the small table on the other side of the bed and lay down. 

________

Bullets. She heard bullets and men yelling. The door was kicked open. The Asset looked at her, holding his flesh-arm close, like it had been hurt. His hair was damp and he had cuts all over his face. Poor guy. “We have to go.” 

Allie held up her chained wrist. She thought his arm was hurt, but he held the bed post with his hurt arm and pulled on the cuff with his metal fingers, slow. She blinked as she watched the cuff open. He had been trying not to hurt her hand in the process. He was trying not to hurt her. 

Metal hand, he gestured for her to follow him. It was light outside. What time was it? Where were they going? He opened the door and ran to the driver’s seat, leaving Allie to close the door and buckle herself in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still writing. Expect update soon.


	18. Strawberries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *TRIGGER WARNING* Suicidal thoughts
> 
> I couldn't leave it right at the spot and I was already writing more anyway... Next update should be coming Monday. Late? 
> 
> I know they're on the run but they don't have to be living in squalor, scraping by so... Whoops!

They drove a short distance and he stopped the car in front of a house, with a clothesline in the back. He came back with a soft blue gingham blouse and jeans. They passed by the next house over, but this one had a car in the driveway. And on they went, coming closer and closer to the city till they had a complete set of clothes each. He took his clothes to the back of the truck and left Allie the back seat of the SUV. Allie only knew what he meant when he started to change out of his clothes. She hesitated only for a moment, he’d already seen her naked and glanced every so often, wondering if he’d try to sneak a peak. He never did. When he pushed his own pants down, Allie turned away quickly. When she was done, she went back to the front seat. The Asset went back to the driver’s seat. But it was strange to call him that now especially when he was in a black jacket, blue flannel, dark jeans and a cap. He turned the car engine over again pulled back onto the road. 

“Where are we going?”

“We gotta hide.”

“From, them.” Allie thought. And clutched her neck. The key. Rumlow had it but he didn’t know where the ledger was. Allie sighed in relief. At least something was saved. Not her, she giggled. She didn’t get saved. Even if she was in this car. Allie. Someone else was here now. 

The car went over a pot hole. The inside of her pinched. Rumlow. She sniffed, smelling his sweat, felt his weight on her. She blinked it away. “What? Uh…” Focus. She had to focus on talking. “What can I call you? In these clothes, 'Asset' sounds so weird. And that’s definitely not a name. That’s definitely not your name.” What was her name now? Could she still call herself “Allie.” 

He stared hard, a little too hard at the road. He was definitely thinking about more than driving at this point. 

“I have friends. I just have to get into contact with them.” She peered at the city with big eyes and a gasp. Some parts were definitely on fire. Maybe this was the big thing that they were talking about. Steve? Natasha? Was Steve okay? “What the fuck happened?” Steve! Allie pulled the door lock up and opened the car door. He reached over, arm grazing her belly and pulled it shut.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?!” 

Allie leaned back, eyes shut, the feeling of his arm on her stomach making her tremble. 

He stopped the car. Allie opened her eyes and sighed and wondered if someone could come right out of the sky and squash her like a bug. 

“What were you thinking?” 

She turned to him and saw those same watery eyes, full of concern. Oh, yeah. He’d watched her get raped. Yup! “I want to see my friend. I need to know if he’s okay.” She saw flashes of him in an instant. Before she knew it, she was wheezing and hyperventilating. 

He put a hand on hers. “Hey, you got asthma?” 

Allie nodded. 

“Take a breath. As big as you can and hold it. Then don’t breathe again till you gotta. Till you just gotta. Alright?” She knew this too. How to calm an attack with out an inhaler and without a steam bath. 

She did it. Her chest still felt a little tight but it was manageable. She wasn’t hyperventilating. “How did you know how to do that?”

He shook his head and drove on down to the highway heading up to Maryland. 

“Where?” She took a breath. “Are we going?”

“Lay low. Then get out.”

“No.” Another breath. “I need to find my friend. You can go wherever you want, but I need to find him.”

“You say he was in the fight in the city?”

“So it was a fight? Yes. You can leave me somewhere downtown. I need to find him.”

“And if they catch you?”

“Don’t you have weapons? I think I saw a knife.” She could easily stab herself if danger was close. Easily. 

“No.”

“Either you help me or don’t. The only way you’ll stop me, is if you kill me. Try it. Shove a fucking knife right in my chest. Not like it’s hard.” Allie stopped at her words. These weren’t her words. It sounded like someone else was saying them. It would be so much easier to die. 

“Look, we should lay low until everything’s good. Who’s your friend? A pilot.” He squinted and swallowed at the words. 

Allie couldn’t stop wanting to laugh and thinking about dying it seemed like. Would he believe her? Did he even know who Captain America was. “Steve. Steve Rogers. He’s my friend.”

The car screeched to a halt. Allie grabbing the car door and her own seat belt at the sudden lurch. “So I take it you know Captain America?”

“I—I almost killed him today.” 

“Almost?” Before she realized she’d grabbed his shirt, and leaned dangerously close to his face. His eyes were such a clear blue, almost grey. “What do you mean almost?” She realized what she was doing and sat back in her seat metering her breaths out. 

“I stopped. He said things. I knew it. But I didn’t.”

Blue eyes. Screaming. The Smithsonian. The text books. “He knows you? Steve knows you?” Allie shook her head in wonder. “How could…”

The electricity. The Smithsonian. The screaming. The Smithsonian. The headache. Bucky? James Barnes. “You’re his friend. The one that died? Well obviously not dead. You’re right here. And you’re certainly not a zombie. You’re James Barnes. Bucky?”

“That’s what he called me. I think… I think he’ll be fine.”

“You think? You think?!”

“I left him. He was breathing. He—”

“You left him? Where is he? Let’s go get him.” 

“People were coming. I could hear them. Far enough for me to get away, but close enough to get to him.”

Allie calmed down at those words. 

“We’ll stay close by until it dies down. Far enough away then I’ll help you get back to your friend.” 

‘Your friend.’ Allie peered at him. “He’s your friend, too.”

But James just drove down the highway, instead of answering. Past a parking lot near what looked to be a trailhead. “Stay here.”

Allie watched from the passenger seat, as he went from car to car and came back with some candy, gum, and about $200 dollars in cash. 

“Dude?”

James squinted at her. “Dude? Is that your new name for me?”

Allie laughed. “No, that’s just like.” She thought. “It’s like ‘fella’ but for modern times.” She picked through the candy.

“Hmm… 'Dude.' Can I call you ‘dude?’” 

Allie shrugged. You can. “I mean, there’s ‘chick,’ but—” He’d gotten nothing but double-mint gum. Who even still bought that? 

“I remember that word.”

“‘Chick?’ Don’t call me that. I fucking hate that.”

James looked at her surprised. 

“What? I swear to god, James. Don’t you dare call me that. And women cuss a lot these days!”

He chuckled. He honest-to-god chuckled. “Doll. How ‘bout I call you ‘doll?’ It sounds right.”

“Sure thing, guy.” Allie shrugged. At least, it wasn’t ‘dame.’ “I know I should feel bad about stealing from people. And I would under more normal circumstances, but we’re desperate.” 

They drove twenty miles up the highway into a small town near the mountains. James stopped the car and told Allie to wait. All she did this whole time was wait in the car. She needed a shower and food. And a bed. And some Neosporin. Her hands were red and scratched. He came back and drove them down the road towards the mountains and hung a left. They passed a few houses and turned into a driveway. Allie’s stomach lurched. He took her far, miles away. Maybe this was what he set out to do. Take her here, finish what Rumlow didn’t have a chance to. God he wouldn’t. Would he? All of a sudden she had a flash of him, he’d be so quick to shove her down in this new house and he was still a man. Was he the kind that…? She clenched her fists, actual tears in the corner of her eyes. No. She’d rather be dead than have it happen again. As soon as they get in the house, she'd find the kitchen and gut herself. He went around and opened the car door for her. How, polite. She wiped her eyes and smiled. “Thank you.”

She took hard steps, clenching her muscles that felt like buckling with the prospect of whatever lay waiting for her in there. What if Rumlow was alive and he was leading her right to him? Make her feel safe only to take it away. Another kind of torture. 

He opened the door with a key from his pocket and let Allie in. She pushed her legs all around the nicely furnished house and found no one else in it. It didn’t take long before Allie saw the pots and pans hanging over an island and a set of kitchen knives. She hesitated taking them before finding James in the backyard, checking the tall wooden fence and going on around again. 

Allie lingered on the knives but thought better on it. Why would he do all of this just to take her back to HYDRA? They called him Asset. He was a “thing” to them. He wouldn’t want to go back to them. She opened the fridge. Basics. Milk, eggs, butter. Some fruit. Cheese. Peanut butter. So, a whole lot of stuff she couldn’t really eat. She grabbed a bowl of strawberries and sat on the counter, cross-legged. They were mostly sour. Needed a bit of sugar. But looking for it wasn’t worth it. 

James found her in the kitchen. “Hey.”

Allie gasped and dropped the bowl. Only to have James catch it. He was that fucking fast. 

“You alright?”

Allie nodded. Chest heaving. She wanted to ask. “Why are we here?”

“Like I said, we’re hiding.”

She sighed and swallowed. “What are you going to do?”

He tilted his head. “I don’t know. How do you mean?” And took the strawberry in his hand, studying it. 

“You eat it,” Allie offered.

“I know you eat it. I just. They always stuck a needle in me and I never really needed to eat. Whatever I needed before or after a mission, was in the bag.” He sniffed the red skin. “Sour,” and popped the berry in. Awkwardly chewing, his face contorted and he spit the berry right into the sink. “What else do we have?” And opened the fridge. He stopped a moment, before shutting it again. 

Allie hopped off the counter. Maybe using more of the money and going out was not gonna be the best idea and took to opening the various cupboards and drawers. She found where the utensils were, the plates, bowls, and potatoes. James took to looking too and found a pantry with cookies and potato chips and some cup-o-noodles. 

After pouring water into their noodle cups and showing him the wonder that was a microwave, they took to the living room with the soup, cookies, and chips. One on each side of the couch. Allie’s stomach grumbled and she twirled a heaping forkful of noodle into her mouth. She chewed it. And though it tasted the same, she didn't really feel like eating anymore. She turned on the TV and simply sipped the broth. James stared in awe at the screen, already having put down his soup. Did he even have any?

“Whoa! They’ve gotten so big now.”

“You’ve seen TVs before?”

“Where they kept me. They had something like this, less fun to look at.” And cleared his throat. 

Allie handed him the remote. “You press this one with an arrow up or down and it changes the channel.”

“Channel?”

“Different shows, movies. Some ones even play music.”

“That’s so…” And he never finished the thought. He just flipped through the channels, quickly. Too fast. He was probably just going through the channels for the hell if it.

“Are you looking for something?” 

One channel was show-casing “Saving Private Ryan.” James stopped moving after hearing a spray of bullets. Only staring forward. Allie got up and walked closer to the TV, and away from him. She changed the channel to an infomercial for a juicer. “Hey, James?”

The TV jingled, the announcer stating, “It’s that easy!” Shit! She wanted to touch him but didn’t know what that would do. Especially with a metal arm and lighting fast reflexes. Allie turned the volume up loud and tried to find one of those music channels. And decided on Disco music. “Waterloo” by ABBA chimed through the TV speakers. James’ eyes widened, then normalized. He turned to Allie. “What happened?”

“You tell me.”

“I heard...something and I don’t remember any more.” 

It didn't matter. He was back, even if he didn’t remember. Allie sighed with relief. 

“How did you get all the way over there?” James asked.

He really didn’t remember. He wasn’t even present when she got up. That was a problem. 

It was getting late and neither of them were really watching anything anyway. But neither of them seemed to be getting tired either. 

Allie sat on the other couch, perpendicular to his. “Are you sleepy, James?”

“If it’s really 2014. I haven’t slept in almost 70 years. I don’t even think I remember how to. You sleep.”

Allie looked at him, pointedly. If she was going to sleep it was going to be in a sealed, highly surveilled room with armed women guards. And seeing that that wasn't going to be happening for a while, she imagined she was probably not going to sleep either. Allie shook her head, “Not sleepy.” And feigned a smile. She didn’t even know why. 

He looked down, before speaking, “Do you think...I’m them?”

Allie sighed, drawing her knees up, pressing her face into them. “Aren’t you?”

“I know I wasn’t always there. But I don’t remember anything else up until yesterday. There’s some things here and there, but it’s just flashes, noise, smells I can’t make sense of. I know some things, but I don’t know why I know them. I know I’ve killed people. I know I can kill people. But I know I don’t want them to find me and I know I want to help you get back to your friend.” He shook his head. Hair fanning out a little bit as he shrugged. 

“I mean, we’re here. Alone. After what happened...You’re a man. I—”

“You think I’d force you?”

Allie’s chest tightened. She kept thinking of those knives. What the fuck was she doing? Tears fell down her eyes. But she wasn’t actively crying, they were just falling. Like someone turned the spigot and all of the water in her threatening to pour out of her. She heard herself speak, her voice flat but solid. “I’d rather die before I let it happen again.” She touched the damp couch cushion. “Or you could just kill me now. Please?”

He got up and moved over to her. “I don’t want to do that anymore, doll.”

“I’m gonna take a bath.” And Allie left just like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I picked ["Waterloo" by ABBA](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sj_9CiNkkn4) because it was a happy sounding song and it was from "The Martian" which featured Sebastian Stan. So yeah...
> 
> And I'm posting this now because I feel these songs so hard after writing these three chapters. 
> 
>  
> 
> ["Goodbye to Love" by The Carpenters](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nooeMrCws-A)  
> ["Solitaire" by The Carpenters](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJFE1qa13sc)


	19. Safe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I said I was gonna update Monday and I didn't because I had like no sleep. No sleep is so not conducive to writing. And then I went to Vegas! Whoo! 
> 
> Here we go... Another long(?) chapter.

Allie stared at the water in the tub. She’d tried to make it hot. That’s what she saw on TV. They always took hot, hot showers and scrubbed their skin raw and cried in the shower. But maybe she should go to the hospital. If they weren’t hiding, that would have been the best option. She tried to make it hot but just made it very warm, comfortably so, like a big hug. She kept one light on, the vanity lights on the mirror, and took off her clothes. Every time she grabbed a new button to open, she saw her hands and felt her hands on her old shirt, the one at the house, because Rumlow asked her to, told her to. She could still feel his presence in front of her, even though she was completely alone. She dropped the shirt and saw a flash of her clothes hitting the floor, hitting the ground, felt her heels being slammed back on the ground till she found herself gasping as the sights and feelings bombarded her. She stuck her hand in the water, arm deep. It brought her out, into the room. She was in this room. She wasn’t in that house. They were miles and miles away. But she could still feel it. NO. It didn’t happen. This was one of those intense dreams or something she watched on TV but it wasn’t real. These thoughts weren’t hers, they didn’t happen to her. She took off the rest of her clothes ignoring all the hands, and breaths she kept seeing and feeling. 

Allie was careful, placing her clothes neatly folded on the sink. Neatly folded clothes meant everything was good. And everything was good. Great! Awesome even. James, she thought. He was actually cute. Very cute. Why was he helping her? She looked at her body in the mirror. She turned around and found that her back was a bit red and itchy. Shit, she smiled. She was about to have an eczema flare up. James would not like that. People always thought she was contagious. It’s just a bodily reaction to the environment. She felt along her thighs. There was some purple here and there and knew if she pressed the discolorations, it would hurt, so she didn’t. She smiled. This was a really nice house he got them. Maybe she’d thank him later by fucking him. That was a very good “thank you.” Rumlow hadn’t come, she remembered with a frown. How long had they fucked? That was a long fucking time, maybe the whole night. It did fucking take forever. Wow! What the fuck was wrong with Rumlow? He took that long and he didn’t even come. Poor guy. He probably had blue balls, which she’d heard were unpleasant. She traced inside her elbows, feeling scaly skin. It was getting dry, that would look bad for sure. She lifted her leg and had a sudden image of her hitting her head on the tub and cracking her skull, laughing at the thought. That’d be a story to tell Steve. Your friend was on the run and was largely safe but she plumb hit her head and died on you. Whoops! Steve always made everything better. Could he make this better? Could one of his hugs make it all go away? She imagined his big warms arms around her and tears fell down her cheeks. Nausea lurched up. She dry heaved at the thought of him touching her. Steve, good. And she was something else now. She could never do that to him. He should never touch her. Her bad luck was contagious and she wouldn’t do that to her friend. James was right. Leave. She knew he meant, they had to leave the country. Steve didn’t need her. She dipped her foot in the soft warm water, ignoring the hard pinching inside her. Why did sex have to hurt? Did she have sex? 

She stared up at the ceiling, the water moving just above her neck. She could dip her head and swallow as much water as possible, but she’d heard that drowning was one of the worst ways to die. Was she going to die? She used an expensive looking bar of soap and hoped she wasn’t allergic to any of the ingredients. There was a tub of Vaseline on the counter. She wasn’t allergic to that. She could use it in lieu of lotion.

She pulled the plug on the tub and dried herself off using one of the towels in the cabinet and moisturized her skin, wincing a bit when the Vaseline, hot from her hands swept over her thighs. Nothing. Nothing. It was nothing. What was James up to? She dressed again in her old farmer's clothes. She looked like a modern-day Dorothy, she laughed and went out to find him. 

James was in the living room sipping his cup-o-noodles. No chewing. He wasn’t eating anything, not really. And neither was she. There was a scream in her throat that she was trying hard to shove down and tears that kept burning just behind her eyes, but no, she was not going to fucking cry. 

James walked over to her, “Hey. I just want to tell you that—”

Before she really had time to think, she grabbed his hand and lead him through the hallway looking for a bedroom. She kept swallowing, her breath coming quicker and quicker to catch up with her heart. 

“Doll, you wanna break my hand? I mean you won’t. You can’t…”

Allie squinted a his words, confused. She found a nice small room. Looked like a college boy might have lived there. Footballs and blue plaid everywhere, even on the queen-sized dark-wood bed. “What?” There was also a desktop PC under a plastic cover on a desk. 

“You’re squeezing my hand pretty tight.”

“Sit down.” And James plopped on the bed. 

“Look, I’m sorry I didn’t help you sooner,” he said, his hands slapped together, head low.

“What?” the sting of tears coming stronger. She cleared her throat. “It’s fine,” she shook her head. 

“That wasn’t fine. What they did, what he did—”

“No!” She set her hands on her buttons and opened her shirt. 

“What are you doing?” He got up and pulled her hands away. 

She reached forward and grabbed the belt on his jeans. “I should thank you. For being so nice. You can have sex with me.” Her tears were choking in her throat now. And imagined him shoving her down on the carpet. No, she didn’t really want this and found her legs doubling back into a wall, feeling Rumlow in her again. She squeezed her hands as hard and as tight as she could to stay the feeling of him thrusting into her but it washed over her like a sudden wave. And it was like she was flailing her arms trying not to get pulled under it all. If she just killed her self now, this would stop. All of it. She just needed it to stop. How could she make it not happen? 

She blinked, a cool feeling washing over her. And there it was. A calm. Nothing happened because she felt nothing at all. She was crazy, for sure, but nothing happened in that house. What the hell was she thinking? She was fine and grinned at him, “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what got into me. I’ll see if there are ingredients in the kitchen. I think I know what I can make us for breakfast in the morning.” Her voice sounded so even now. She shook her head. “Thank you. Sorry,” she giggled. And went to the kitchen to find flour, because if they had flour, she could make them pancakes. It was a really nice house they were staying in. He did a good job. 

After finding the flour, Allie found two blankets and laid one on each couch. She found a channel that played “Sabrina, the Teenage Witch” something she used to watch when she was younger. And it made her feel safe. Something from a long time ago, way before everything went to shit. Shit, that was her fault. She looked once more in the cupboards and found some chamomile tea. She made James a cup too. He’d probably drink it. He seemed to be… They seemed to be on a liquid-only diet for the moment. 

Allie jumped at movement that seemed to be coming from the roof. She hadn’t sensed anyone. Then remembered that she got nothing from this house. No laughter or crying or the hint of any pets the household might have held. But it wasn’t every house. But this house seemed to have enough history to warrant flashes of certain things, smells, sounds, feelings, anything. But there was nothing at all. Allie’s heart thumped hard as she grabbed the biggest kitchen knife and walked around the house waiting for someone to appear or attack her. It was probably just fucking James checking around again. She still held the knife, when she opened the back glass door in the kitchen, just in time to see James jump off the goddamn roof. “Fuck, you almost gave me a heart attack!”

“I had to check the house again.”

Allie clutched her chest. Her heart was still beating fast even though there was no real threat. “I got us blankets.” Allie thought about her choice of words, “Separately,” trying to push the feelings of embarrassment from her being way too dramatic in the bedroom. “I also made us tea, it’s in the living room.” 

“Thank you, I’m going to take a bath before lights out, though.”

___________

 

Allie sat on her couch and snuggled in her blanket. James might give nice hugs too, even with a metal arm. Maybe all she needed was a good hug to make everything better. She sipped her tea. Maybe she’d get some alcohol. That might have been better for her and James. Why was he with them? Why was he working for them? He seemed to be like two different people. One that only responded to orders and then there was James now. She would ask. Did the electricity have anything to do with anything?

Allie fell asleep, only realizing when she startled awake, opening her eyes, already sitting stick-straight on the couch. She turned to see James who was already on his feet when she woke up like that. It was morning. “You alright, Allie?”

“I’m just… I just woke up and...” Allie shook her head. “I’ll go make breakfast.” And set to the kitchen quickly. Flour, eggs, milk, butter, and sugar. She even found some baking powder. She needed to dig around but found some real maple syrup in a glass bottle that hadn't expired yet in the back of the fridge. She cooked eggs over easy, for Steve, to make it seem like he’d show up any time. It made her feel better that way.

She made ten pancakes and four eggs. James had one egg and one pancake. Allie managed to finish half of one. She was really disappointed in herself. She used to put a bunch of these away and now, she couldn’t even eat one. 

“Where are we gonna find your friends?” Oh, so he wanted to get rid of her already? With the way she was acting, of course. Why not? 

“They’re back in D.C. They can find me, I think. Wait…” The house, the room, the computer. “Does this house have WiFi?”

He turned his head in a certain way, telling her everything immediately. No. 

Allie took to the bedroom and pulled off the clover and turned on the old white computer. She needed to sign in and guessed passwords for “Dylan.” She tried three times, none were successful. “Shit!” She could find out what hospital Steve was in or try to find out where to go to get Hill to find her or something. She thought of Steve and tried hard to sense him. But she just kept smelling pancakes! 

“I’ll help you find them. I’ll take you back there.” His voice seemed too loud, the intrusion suddden. Allie’s heart hammering against her chest as she stood to look at him in the doorway. “Fuck!”

“I didn’t mean to startle you.”

“Well, you did!” she said, letting the anger spill out. She shook her head. “How are you going to do that?”

“We can check hospitals. He’ll have a small detail around the hospital. But we can get around that.”

How did he know that, Allie wondered. 

“If I could just get on the fucking internet, I could find out that way, too.”

“Internet.” He thought a moment. “How can I help you get there?”

“I just need a phone with wifi or something. It was easier before with internet cafes. But now…”

“You need to get to a special cafe?”

He didn’t know what the hell she was talking about. Allie groaned in frustration. She thought about going into the town and ask someone if she could use their phone for a minute but leaving now seemed so terrifying. But she had to. The urge to go find Steve got stronger and stronger until it was the only thing she could think about. She went to the living room and flipped through the channels trying to find info on Washington or Steve. She sighed when a news anchor said they’d have new details at 9PM, but they didn’t have that long. She wanted to go find him now. “I need to go into the town and find something out. Are you coming with me?”

James thought a moment, as Allie moved to the door and then followed her. 

He kept a watchful eye as they walked down the steps. “We should bring the car.” 

Allie walked to the passenger side, James running over to open he door for her. “Why do you keep doing that?”

“I don’t know. But when you walk to the car door it just feels normal. I don’t know why.” Allie got in and watched James’ face contort in mild confusion, thinking. 

They drove on into town and parked by a bookstore. Allie had to lie. She approached an old lady, dusting books on a table. “Ma’am?”

“Yes?” the old woman smiled. “May I help you?”

“I’m trying to find out what happened in Washington this past—”

She reached out her hand and squeezed Allie’s shoulder. Allie turned to look at the woman’s hand on her. She did not fucking ask her to touch her. “My god! There were 10 casualties, and 20 injured. Captain Rogers was hurt pretty badly but they say he’s going to make it. Have you not been keeping up with the news?”

Allie sighed. Maybe a part of her hadn’t really believed James when he said Steve was going to be OK. And only believed it coming from this woman. 

“What hospital is he staying in? Do you know?”

“I’m not sure. Probably Washington General.”

“Do you have a phone? I need to make sure?”

“Miss, you don't have your own phone?.” 

Fuck! “I work there. But I was on vacation. I’m trying to contact my friend, but I lost my phone. If Steve Rogers is in a hospital, chances are he might be in the same one too. Please?”

The woman frowned at her. “There’s a newsstand in town. It’s all over the news if you’re so keen in knowing, miss.”

Allie groaned and went on to the car and glared at James. He was not going to open the car door for her like they were dating. 

“There’s a newsstand in town. But we need something better. We have to go to a mall, a shopping center.” They needed to Google it. And this fucking hick-town wasn’t going to help them. 

They passed by a young woman in jeans, walking along the road. She walked a little faster, but Allie grinned and called out in her “cutest” voice. Her patience was still fucking wearing thin. The woman turned and seemed to loosen up seeing a woman in the passenger seat. 

“I need to get to the closest big mall with an Apple store near Washington.”

 

______________

 

They got great directions from her and made their way to a mall in Bethesda, Maryland. 

Allie started to walk through the parking lot quickly, but James put his hand on her shoulder, which made Allie glare. What made people think they could just touch her? But there were more pressing matters than his hand on her. “The first rule of being on the run: walk, don’t run.”

Allie shrugged off his hand and tried to walk as calmly as she could to the Apple store. James fiddled around with a laptop near her and Allie took to Googling. Steve was not at Washington General, but at George Washington University Hospital. On the bottom were links to things that related to Captain America and The Winter Soldier. Allie clicked through several articles, and even got into a few pages discussing HYDRA’s role in everything. One article featured a really nice looking picture of Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes in his uniform and one of him all in blue, the caption telling her it was one of him being held in cryostasis, when he wasn’t out killing important political figures. That’s when she realized that they both had the same job for the opposite teams, and only she wasn’t assigned to eliminate the threats. She saw parts of documents saying the subject was "wiped" before and after every mission. What did that mean?

She felt heat beside her and saw James starting intently at her screen. And she suddenly felt like she was looking at something she was’t supposed to be looking at, something private, something of his, and it was plastered all over the internet. 

“Did you find out what you needed?” his tone hard. And turned away from the screen to eye the other store patrons, jaw clenched.

“I did—”

“We should go.”

Allie remembered to walk slowly beside James. 

They weren’t that far away. They were that much closer to Steve. And Allie couldn’t help but think that James was gonna jet after he helped her. All the books, said they were friends. Steve was always so sad when he mentioned him, describing a man so different from the one next to her right now. 

They parked the car on the street, a few blocks from the hospital itself. Allie stopped at the sliding doors. “Are you going to go now? Run?”

“I won’t go, until I know you’re safe.” Going inside, especially since there might be people that could recognize him wouldn’t be smart. “I’ll stay right here,” he kept his eyes trained elsewhere. He stopped being able to look at her after the Apple store. He looked mostly annoyed. Allie didn’t know why, she couldn’t feel what the exact feelings were. 

She nodded and went on to the receptionist. Would they believe her? 

“How can I help you?”

“I’m here to see Steve Rogers.” What if this was a trap somehow? “I’m Alexandra Kershaw, I work with Steve, he's my friend. And I’d like to see him.”

“Ma’am, visiting hours are almost over.”

Allie found tears coming down her cheeks again. She was here. She was so close. They came all this way. 

The woman nodded. “OK, OK. Just for a few minutes. Alright?”

Allie smiled through her tears. Half-ashamed it had to come to tears swaying this woman to let her go, but they were real tears of frustration. They weren’t a ploy. After all this. Steve. 

She got a pass and went up the elevator and walked to room 2008, past men with rifles that moved too much like the STRIKE team, but she ignored the flash of fear. She could hear the monitor beep. And saw there was someone else in the room.

“Who are you?” she frowned.

The black man smiled and walked over to her, outstretching his hand. Allie stared at it and shirked back. His smile stayed splayed his face. “I’m Sam. Steve’s friend.”

“I’m Allie. Also, Steve’s friend. And I’ve never heard of you before.”

“We’ve become fast friends over the past couple of days. You may not have heard about me, but I sure have heard about you.”

Allie nodded, still not believing him, “Right.”

Sam tapped Steve’s arm. And it was the first time she got a good look at his face. One of his eyes was completely swollen shut, with a cut lip and a cut eyebrow. It hurt Allie to see him like this. He’d get better soon. Someone else would have died with the same injuries, but he was still here. She knew James did this. They did something to him to get him to do everything they wanted, she knew, but she was still furious. He had almost killed Steve. He tried. He stopped. He "said" he stopped. 

“Allie,” Steve mumbled, breaking through her thoughts. “We tried to find you.”

Someone else found her. She needed help. How could she tell him? Were they safe? “I’m here now,” she grinned and grasped his hands. 

Sam shifted in his seat. Allie already forgot he was there and squeezed Steve’s hand, eying Sam, feeling panic well up. Who the fuck was he? She couldn’t just believe him. Whatever he said.

“Allie, are you alright?” Steve asked, his tone steady, yet soft. 

“I’m fine.” She had been captured. She made it out. His friend was probably still downstairs. HYDRA might still be after them. But she found that all the words had a hard time coming out. Her chest was hurting again.

“Can you tell me where you are?” Sam asked her.

Allie frowned at him, what the hell kind of question is that? “I’m in George Washington University Hospital.” 

“We tried to find you,” Steve croaked. 

It was so weird to see him like this. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to get caught, but I got away.”

“But you’re OK?” Steve asked, swallowing.

Allie nodded. “I’m OK.” She needed to tell him. She turned to Sam. “Can I talk to him for a few moments?” 

“Have at it. Take all the time visiting hours will allow," he said checking his watch, and got up.

Allie replaced him in his seat beside Steve. 

“HYDRA got me. The STRIKE team." Rumlow's name was swimming in her brain, but she couldn't bring herself to say it. "And I escaped, but they might still be after me. I need help. But you can’t help me. Not like this.”

“Sam. You can trust him. He helped both me and Nat these past few days. HYDRA got a hold of you?”

Allie nodded. She never had to tell him what happened. If they could just get somewhere she knew was safe. Or stay at the hospital with guns everywhere. “But I don’t know him. I know you! Where’s Agent Hill?” She found herself breathing faster and faster. “I don’t know him. Please.” Help me. Help me. She wanted to tell him. But even so, what happened to her, it probably wasn’t that bad anyway. 

Sam appeared in the doorway. “Hey, kid. They’re kicking us out. Old man’s gotta sleep,” he grinned. He had no idea what was going in her head. 

Steve grinned, he seemed to be so at ease with this guy. Allie couldn’t possible trust this person. But she had no options, unless she just kept running with James until Steve was a-OK. He seemed nice enough. But could he protect her? Like James?

“Hey, Sam. I think you got another stray the needs a place to crash.”

Sam chuckled. “If it’s just you, I got room.”

No. Allie stepped close to Sam. “And it's safe? What if there are people after me? Big people.”

“You mean HYDRA? We beat their asses. Whatever’s left of them, they got their tails between their legs. We’re good. If my place is safe enough for Cap, it's safe enough for you.” He seemed too sure. That didn’t make her feel any better.

“Miss? Sir?" A nurse appeared. "We’re going to have to ask you to leave. Visiting hours were over 10 minutes ago. You can come back tomorrow.”

Sam outstretched his hand to Allie, who went on with him but stayed far away from his touch. And she was going to have be around him, at least until the morning. 

When they got outside Allie, looked around for James, tried to see if she could feel him around. He said he was going to make sure she was safe but it seems like he’d already gone. Allie’s stomach clenched. What if he’d been captured? No. Not with what Sam said. The articles, the leak. Made sense. They didn’t really need to hide anymore, even if James thought they were in more danger than they were actually in. 

It seemed all Allie did was sleep in other people’s houses. She looked out the window of the car and hoped that wherever James was, he was safe.


	20. Staying at Sam's

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes!!! :D Some much needed fluff. Kinda. :P

Sam seemed to check his rearview and side mirrors more times and more notably, than Allie thought was normal. Which meant that he was on the look out for something on his own, or something recently happened, and it was in a car.

“Dude, are you OK?” Allie asked, squinting one eye at Sam. 

“Yeah, I’m good. It's all good.” He lifted one hand off the steering wheel and flattened it against the roof of his car, holding it there for a moment before moving it back to the wheel. He turned right into a residential street. 

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone drive quite like you.”

“I just know from personal experience that you never know what’s out there at any given time.”

Allie leaned into the headrest. Oh, yeah! She fucking knew what was out there. And, at least, Sam was on the look out. “So, how did you know Steve, exactly?”

They pulled into a driveway beside a white house with dark blue shutters and a small porch with a seating set and table outside. It was cozy. 

They walked up the steps, Sam first. “We jog together. I’m the only one that can keep up with the old man,” he chuckled and opened the door for the both of them. 

Allie shut her eyes. She could smell the stories in this place, but it was quiet. She knew there was something there but she couldn’t access it anymore. Did what happen affect her? They wanted her powers to grow and now it seemed like they disappeared completely. No. How was that possible? Allie looked for the closest old thing she could hold and grabbed a retro angel baby figurine from the mantle. She stroked it’s cherub face and let everything in her go, made everything as still as she could and sensed absolutely nothing. 

“I see you and my grandma got the same taste in decor. Most of this stuff isn’t mine, but it makes the people that come over more at ease.”

Allie frowned and put the figurine back with it’s partner. “Who comes over?” 

“I get a girl over here once in a while. But sometimes, the meeting rooms at the VA aren’t available and I get the group back here to talk about things.” Sam nodded to the hallway. “Your room is this way.” 

They came upon a small white room with it’s own bathroom. But Allie’s stomach lurched at being in another bedroom. “Steve and Nat used this and I just cleaned the place up.”

Allie shook her head. “Actually, can I just sleep on the couch? I don’t want to intrude.” Ah, lying again.

“Are you sure? Usually beds are more comfortable than couches.”

“No, I want to sleep on the couch.”

Sam shrugged. “Yeah, but if this gets back to Steve and he chews me out for treating you like..."

“It’s my choice where I sleep? Right?” Allie couldn’t control her scowl, or her harsh tone. 

Sam seemed to take note. “Be my guest. I’ll get the things you’ll be needing.” 

Allie went back out and sat on the couch. She needed to go to more old houses, touch more things. Her abilities weren’t gone. How did they take them from her? Sure she complained about them, sure they were inconvenient and not very reliable sometimes, but it was hers and it did some good somewhere. She chuckled ruefully. No. They didn’t even do that. All they did was cause her trouble up until this point. All of this. All because she wanted to make difference with her powers, stepping into a world of big people, thinking she’d never get trampled on. Ha! Stupid! She was a fucking idiot.

Sam set down a big fluffy purple comforter under a big pillow. “My mom got me this right when I signed up for the service, but I never got to take it with me. Two tours and I always have it waiting for me, right here.”

“Thank you.” Allie touched the fabric. It felt like it’d keep her really warm that night. 

“You hungry? I can get take out. ‘Fraid I ain’t that much of a cook and your friends cleaned me out of some basics a few days ago, so… You’re welcome to come look.”

Allie wasn’t really hungry. But something warm would be good. Maybe they had a can of chicken noodle soup somewhere. 

Allie opened the fridge and spotted chicken drumsticks, and beer and remembered one of her favorite recipes. 

“Are you hungry?” she asked Sam, excitement burbling in her stomach.

“Yeah, I could eat,” Sam shrugged. 

“Do you have cayenne pepper, paprika and brown sugar? I’m gonna need your chicken and beer.”

“I do. And from the sound of it, I already know I’m gonna like what you’re fixing to make.”

Allie got a bowl from Sam and soaked the chicken in the beer. No it wasn’t soup but this was one of her favorite recipes. How could she pass on an opportunity to make it? After she prepared the sugar, pepper, garlic powder, cayenne and paprika rub, the chicken was ready to marinade. 

“Now we wait,” Allie grinned, shaking her fists in anticipation.

“Damn, you’re already an improvement over Steve and Natasha,” he grinned wide. “Girl, look at you.” 

Allie smiled. She was cooking again. James popped in her head, he might have liked to have some chicken. She didn’t even know if he liked spicy sweet things. But she laid off on making it too spicy since her stomach seem to be up to the heat. “Thank you. I really like cooking.”

“You can come back here anytime to cook for me,” he smiled.

“I don’t know, you might regret that.” Allie shrugged with a grin. Everything. It seemed so comforting here, even just talking to him. For a second Allie entertained the thought of telling him what happened to her. She hadn’t told anyone. And she didn’t need to tell James because he was there to see it. He pulled Rumlow off her.

She preheated the oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit. “OK, now we wait.”

They went to the living room. Maybe find a show to watch to pass the time. They sat on opposite sides of the couch. But he was too close for Allie’s taste. She kept glancing sideways at him.

“Are you OK?” he asked, cocking an eyebrow.

“I’m fine,” she smiled, taking a much too obvious breath.

“No, you’re not. I can move if you want.”

Allie shrugged. “It’s your house. I’m just a guest.”

Sam got up and Allie jumped back in her seat. He pulled up a chair beside his side of the couch. “Easy peasy,” he said with outstretched arms. “You need anything, just ask. It’s alright.”

Allie looked at the rest of his stuff. The figurines, the soft dark wood furniture and happy family pictures. “So, who comes over here from the VA, exactly? Friends?”

“Actually, I facilitate a PTSD support group.”

Allie almost choked on her own spit. She literally could tell him. He did this for vets. No, hers wasn’t the same thing but… Her mouth hung open, but she still couldn’t bring herself to say anything.

“You want a glass of water?.” He stood up again… 

Allie shook her head. "Mm-mm." She literally could not get anything more than nonsensical sounds out now, her eyebrows stitched together tight. 

“Then what—”

“Alcohol. Beer. Whiskey.” Allie looked down. Jesus, god, what was she doing. He was a virtual stranger and she was about to let him judge her. It was her fault everything happened. If she didn’t try, if she didn’t…

“Yeah, I have more of that beer in the fridge.”

Allie’s stomach churned cold. But she had to. Judged or not. He could set it straight. An outsider, tell her it wasn’t that bad and she could actually really move on, if he said she should. 

Sam returned with an open beer bottle and an empty glass. 

Allie snatched them off his hands and poured a bit of beer in the glass. Sam watched her as he sat back in his chair. She stared at the yellow liquid before taking it all down. She hadn’t eaten much. This would affect her easily. That’s exactly what she needed. She took a quick glance at Sam. His face calm, a soft smile. He was ready to listen. Oh, if he only knew what she was about to say. But vets had it way worse. What she’d gone through wasn’t even that bad, probably. Maybe he’d tell her to get off it. Stop crying about it like a baby because there are way worse things out there than…

Allie poured all of the beer in her cup and took big gulps till it was mostly gone. The carbonation prickling in her throat, the tug of the beer already pulling on her eyelids, the words inching closer and closer outside. 

“You seem to have something on your mind.”

Allie closed her eyes, and nodded. She leaned on the couch and grabbed the pillow from under the comforter and hugged it to her. “You talk to people? People who’ve gone through stuff?”

“I do.”

“Well,” her stomach clenched tight now. “I was kidnapped by…” Did he know SHIELD? “You know the STRIKE team?”

“I tussled with one or two from that unit.” His eyes narrowed.

“I think he was the leader. He—”

“That’s the guy. Rumlow.”

Allie’s eyes popped. He knew him. Her heart started hammering against her chest. She finished the rest of the beer. 

“I’m sorry. Go on…”

“I was kidnapped because they wanted things.” She blinked away the images of them hurling things at her to get her to deflect them. “He said they knew where my parents were. And I had to do what they said. So I did. The leader, he…” Allie swallowed. “He assaulted me for...” At some point her body started to shake. She squeezed the pillow in an effort to keep still but it wasn’t working. “It was not fast. For a long time. I think.” She saw him being pulled off her. She saw herself being cuffed to the bed and staring up at the ceiling. “Then when it was done I was taken to a room and chained to a bed until. I got rescued.”

“You were rescued?”

“But he’s gone now.”

Both of them looked up. Right on cue, they heard movement on the roof. They shared a look and Sam went quickly into a closet and pulled out a small gun from a small case with a keypad. 

Allie got up but she was still weak from talking, still shaking. He was still here. He must have followed them. 

Sam went outside with the gun and Allie followed. “We know you’re here. So come on out and make real this easy.” 

James jumped down from the roof. 

Allie sighed with relief and didn’t think, running to him. She wrapped her arms around him, his clothes were so cold from being outside. Her wrapped one arm around her, his left followed soon after. 

“Are you serious?”

Allie turned to face an annoyed Sam. 

“Why? Do you know him?”

“He’s the reason I’m driving out that rental.”

Allie squinted her eyes at him. 

“This fool ripped the steering wheel right outta my car, while I was driving. He kicked me off a helicarrier!”

Allie looked up at James. Did he really do all those things Sam was saying? James made no arguments against everything Sam was saying. “You were in the way. It was nothing against you.”

“Nothing against me? You kicked me off a flying ship! And you get a damn hug?”

“He’s the one that saved me from them. Kept me safe all this time. He took me to see Steve.”

Sam glared at James. “Right. And now I’m just supposed to open my house to him too?”

“I’m perfectly fine staying on your roof for the night.”

“Hell no, you’re not staying on my roof.”

“Then, it’s settled,” Allie said. 

“We shouldn’t all stay outside.” James said, eyes darting around. 

Sam sneered at him. “The only threat I can see is apparently going in the house with us. So...” 

Allie grabbed James’ hand and lead him in the house and set him on the couch. “You must be so cold.” And wrapped the blanket around him.

Sam pointed at them. “Hey, that’s my blanket and my couch so I decide—”

“Can he borrow the blanket for just a little while?” Allie pleaded, rubbing the blanket on his shoulders and arms.

Sam shook his head. “Fine.” And threw his hands up in the air. 

“I thought you'd left me.”

“I told you I’d make sure you were safe first—”

“Don’t leave. I know what you said, but, please… Don’t leave.”

“You don’t really need me anymore, do you?”

“I don’t care if I need you or not. Promise me, you won’t leave me? And HYDRA’s gone. They won’t be looking for us anymore.”

James shook his head. “That won’t be for long. They’ll regroup. And then they'll come looking for us.”

“Then they’ll regroup. But so will we. But we’ll have you with us. And Steve. He’ll be so happy to see you.”

Sam cleared his throat. “Hey, Allie. Chicken's still waiting to cook?”

“We just need to grease a pan, space them evenly, and set the oven for 40 minutes. Or I can do it.” 

Sam held up a hand. “Nope. Grease a pan. Space the chicken. I got it. You just… stay with him.” Sam disappeared into the kitchen.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, doll.”

“He’s your best friend! He thought you were dead!”

“He’s not my friend. I don’t have friends.”

Allie scoffed. “Then what am I?”

“I have to keep you safe.”

“Because you care about me.”

James looked away. 

“Promise me you’ll stay. You want to keep me safe right? Then stay. Stay.”

James didn't answer her.

_______

 

An intoxicating aroma of beer and sugar and spice filled the house, making everyone's mouth water. They sat at the table when the chicken was done. Allie sat right next to James. Ever since she hugged him, she couldn't stand to be apart from him. Sam ate four drumsticks. James had two small ones. Allie had one. 

"Seriously, Allie. Anytime. Knock on my door at midnight, and make me chicken or whatever the hell else you can make. I won't mind."

They talked about what happened over the past few days while Allie was in hiding. Steve and Natasha going on the run, hiding out at Sam's. Fighting James when he was just "The Asset" and the destruction of the Triskelion. Project Insight. Rumlow was in the building when one of the ships crashed into it. Sam got out but they were still looking for Rumlow's body. The news later confirmed Pierce's death. And they all seemed to mostly feel at ease. Knowing that Pierce was dead, shot. Allie didn't like that Rumlow could still be out there, but if a building crushed him, he'd be out for the count for a long while, if he ever did come back. 

Sam went to his room and begrudgingly offered James a new set of sleeping clothes and Allie something his nephew had left. But Allie had latched onto James' hand, afraid that if she let go, he'd disappear for good. He never promised her he wouldn't go. They sat on the couch together. Allie wrapped the blanket tight around them. 

"I promise I'll still be here if you let go of my hand," James chuckled.

She shook her head. Fully aware she was being a child, but she didn't care. It was nice to hold his hand. And she did not give a flying fuck her hands were sweaty as shit. Tough luck for him. Tough. "You never promised you'd stay."

"Fine. Fine. I'll stay." He wrapped his arm around her.

She pouted. "I don't believe you."

"You don't have to believe me. I'm still staying. You're right. There's strength in numbers. And when they come we'll be ready for them."

Allie let his hand go and wrapped both her hands around his chest and squeezed. She finally felt like she could rest. Her exhaustion over the past few days finally catching up to her. As soon as her eyes shut, she fell into a deep sleep.

It was dark, but she could smell him on top of her. She felt his weight on her chest again. Hear the grin on his face as she choked on the smell of his thick breath. She could feel everything rumbling around her. Was it an earthquake?

She woke up with James beside her. He felt like he was right on top pf her. What was he doing? Sam ran into the living room in his pajamas, out of breath. James stared at her with wide eyes. James. James was scared? Of what? 

"Did you guys feel that?" Sam asked, shock in his voice looking at the room. "Was that an earthquake?"

Allie shook her head. That was the dream. "What are you talking about? Earthquake?"

"I felt it too," James said, peering at Allie. "The windows were shaking, while you were sleeping."


	21. Shattering

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter! Yay! :D

Allie stood in the middle of the living room with her hands raised. She stared at a vase that Sam pulled from the porch and set in the middle of the floor. Sam decided to stay in the presumed safety of his kitchen, while James sat off to the side by a piano. Should anything happen, he’d still remain largely unscathed. 

“Did you do it yet?!” Sam yelled from the kitchen.

“No, not yet!” Allie yelled back.

Sam popped in the doorway. “On second thought, maybe we could move this outside.”

Allie and James shared a look. James walked to the back door and Allie grabbed the vase and followed. 

Sam watched from the driveway as Allie placed the vase on the grass.

“I don’t know if it’s a good idea doing this where people can see,” Allie frowned.

“Fair point.” Sam nodded. “OK, until we can figure out a place we can do this safely and away from prying eyes, how about you keep your abilities to yourself.

Allie glared at Sam and shrugged. “I don’t even know what I did!” 

“They wanted you to move things with your mind,” James offered. 

“And now I can?!” Allie yelled. “You say the windows shook. What is that? Nothing was flying across the room or floating right?”

James and Sam seemed to ponder that a moment. 

“I deal with feelings, first impressions, pain.” Allie pointed at them both. “I can feel pain. And glean things from old objects. But that’s it. That’s the extent of it.” But now, could she even still do that? Then she thought about the party, about throwing up. Even Steve felt sick. “I got sick at a party. Someone came last minute. I couldn’t even hold my head up. My friend told me everyone near me got food poisoning too. The people around me threw up when I did. Steve told me he felt sick too. And Steve can’t get sick.”

James laughed then. A clean smile on his face, bright eyes that faded after a moment.

Sam looked curiously at him. “You okay?”

James shook his head. “What was I laughing at?”

Allie wondered if a part of him remembered Steve being sick all the time. Somewhere in his head. Like his reactions were normal. Maybe even opening the car doors for her. Maybe even calling her “doll.” These were normal things, normal reactions for him, somewhere deep inside his head but he just didn’t know or remember why.  
“It sounds like to me”, Sam stepped closer to Allie, “your powers were already getting stronger. They just…” 

She took a short breath. “They didn’t even have me for that long.”

“It doesn’t matter how long or short your experience was. Everyone’s reaction to trauma is different.” Sam took a quick glance at James, then went right back to Allie. “What happened to you was not your fault. I hope you know that.”

Allie chewed on his words. She wanted them to be true. She half-believed him already. Too bad that was her first sexual experience. A grand-ole story to tell the kids later. Allie tried to smile convincingly. “Okay.” Allie looked at them both and concentrated as hard and as quickly as she could and flicked at the vase. 

“Wait!” Sam yelled, taking a step back.

But nothing happened. Allie tried again and again and again. Nothing.

“See. Nothing. Maybe y’all got freaked out about something but it wasn’t me. Maybe a big truck passed by.” 

“That was no truck passing by.”

“Your powers are growing, so you wouldn’t really have much control over them just yet.” James shrugged. “But that’s just what I think.”

“Just promise me you’ll try real hard not to break my house,” Sam said.

Allie made a confused face. “Yeah, Yeah. I promise.” This was ridiculous. Her powers were pretty much gone now. She can’t just all of a sudden move things. 

They had breakfast. Frosted flakes. Allie just had dry cereal since all Sam had was regular cow milk. Sam promised to get some almond milk later for her. James ate some cereal looking at the plastic gallon of milk, poking the material as he ate the rest of his cereal. “I don’t know why, but this is wrong.”

Sam muttered under his breath. “Grandpa over here ain’t never seen plastic before.”

“It’s everywhere.” Allie smiled, and poked at the plastic too. “But they still make milk cartons. Some places even have glass bottles.”

James nodded. 

Sam eyed Allie. “Can I talk to you? In private?”

Allie looked at James, who was finishing off the last of the sugary milk in his bowl. “I can leave if you want. Just let me finish this off first.” And slurped the last of his milk from the bowl.

Allie tapped James’ hand. Both Allie and Sam stood up and walked into the living room. 

Sam cleared his throat. “I kinda wanna go somewhere more private.” 

And Allie walked out the front door and sat on one of the chairs on the porch. 

“Umm, yeah. Outside’s just as private as inside.” And sat down on the other chair.

“Whatever you say, you can say here. And we’ll just stop talking if someone walks by. Yeah?”

“Okay. What I’m about to say is a bit sensitive,” Sam looked out on the empty sidewalk briefly. “About what you said, did he use protection?”

Allie’s stomach flipped. No. So, she could be pregnant. But… “He didn’t ‘go.’” She looked down. 

“You know you can still get pregnant that way.”

Allie nodded. “Yeah, that’s great!” She rolled her eyes. “More souvenirs!”

“We’re heading over to the hospital anyway. Have you thought about getting an exam done?”

“I already took a bath. It’s done.” Allie sighed. “Aren’t you not supposed to take bath?”

“There’s also blood tests.”

Allie’s eyes widened. “Fuck!” And nodded as Sam continued.

“You can get the morning after pill too—”

“Yep!” She looked hard at his white mailbox on a post. “Fantastic.” And stood up. “Let’s go get this over with.”

Allie sat in the back-seat with James as Sam drove, who now kept looking at James every now and again instead of his side and rearview mirrors. Allie laid her head on James’ shoulder, the metal was a bit too hard to really get too comfortable, but at least it was his shoulder she knew she had her head on. What if she was pregnant? What if gave her something? She’d fucking kill him. She imagined seeing him again and blowing him up from the inside out with her telekinetic powers. If they were real. For a moment she hoped she’d get to him someday and have a chance to throwback all the pain he’d given her. 

They parked in the parking structure. 

James decided to stay in the waiting room instead of going in to Steve’s room. Allie’d come back later after the exam and everything else. 

Allie went to Urgent Care and quietly told the nurse in charge, she’d been “sexually assaulted” and needed some tests done. It still took a long time. Allie watched the news, they were talking about robberies in the parking lot on the B Billy Goat Trailhead. So that’s the name of the place she and James stopped at. Later, she’d make a point of giving the money back somehow. They called her name and led her to a room, took her blood, made her pee in a cup. Since she’d already showered, Allie decided against the internal exam. It was too soon to tell, but she wasn’t pregnant. She got a prescription for Plan B and was given shots for STIs just in case. The nurse handed her pamphlets on rape, STIs, abortion, and PTSD. She shoved it in her white paper bag and took the first pill as soon as she got out of Urgent Care and found the nearest water fountain.

As she made her way up to Steve’s floor, she could feel all eyes on her. Like they knew exactly what Rumlow had done to her. It was written on her face, coming off her body like stink. Her head was swimming a bit. The nurse told her one of the side effects, was nausea, headache, she might even throw up. Allie swallowed her spit to keep the need to throw up at bay. She didn’t want to accidentally throw up the first pill anyway. 

Allie went on to the waiting room instead and sat next to James. There was another man there who was sleeping but it deterred Allie from looking at the pamphlets she wanted to read anyway, until Allie opened up a magazine and put her own reading material inside the pages. Allie kept her legs up, as the man snored. First her arm pressed against James’ and then lacing her fingers between his as she took in all the information. When she was done, she shoved all the papers in her bag in the end. “Are you sure you don’t want to go in with me?”

“I don’t see why that would help. I’m the reason he’s in there.”

“But are you planning on doing it again?” Allie cocked her head. 

“No.”

Allie let go of his hand to rub his shoulder and kissed his cheek. She smiled for a second before she realized what she had done. “Uh, I don’t— I’m sorry?” Allie groaned. “We should be out soon.” She squeezed her eyes shut from embarrassment. Shit! “I’m gonna go. Yeah.” And walked to Steve’s room. 

Allie nearly dropped her bag of papers and the other dose of Plan B when she saw someone else sitting next to Steve’s bed. Steve’s eye was still cut but the bruise was smaller and more of a green and yellow now, and he was sitting up playing colorful cards with Sam and Patricia. 

“Allie!” Steve grinned. “Care to play a round of UNO with us?” 

“No.” She didn’t really feel up to playing any games right now.

Patricia put down her cards and walked over to Allie and hugged her. Allie patted her back halfheartedly, not ready for the sudden physical contact. “We were so worried about you.”

“Yup. And now I’m here again.” Allie nodded quickly. 

“You really had us worried.”

Allie’s raged surged through her. “Well, I’m sorry to inconvenience you! Sorry, I got kidnapped! I’ll try not to do it next time!” Her hands were shaking, her heart palpitating. The windows shook for a second. Steve and Patricia looked outside. Sam looked right at Allie. 

“Allie,” Steve said, disapproval in his voice.

“Hey, hey. I don’t think Patrica meant anything by what she said.” And glanced at Patrica. “And I think that we could have phrased our concern better. We all been through a lot these past couple of days and we should all be kind to one another, right?”

Everyone in the room nodded, heads down, like scolded children. But Allie was still shaking, her heart beating fast.

“Allie?” Sam smiled, already comforting her a bit. “Take my seat.” 

Allie took a long shuddering breath. Everything swimming in her head all at once. It wasn’t Patricia’s fault. She did’t know what happened to her. For all she and Steve knew, Allie was only bound and gagged and got away somehow. Still horrifying, but in no way compared to her actual experience. How would she tell them what really happened? Sam knew. James knew. Maybe that was enough. And maybe if everything checked okay, she could put it behind her and move the fuck on. 

Steve sighed. “OK, no UNO. Someone have something else in mind?”

______

 

When they all left the room, Patricia caught Allie’s shoulder. “Sandy’s funeral is this Sunday. I think she’d like it if you said something.” No. Talking now? With all those people? No. Allie faked a smile. “Sure. I will.” Patricia patted her shoulder and went on to the elevators right past James in the waiting room. Fuck! Why did she say yes? Allie would says yes. Allie would love to, the old Allie. 

“Hey, we’re heading out now.” 

Sam showed up right beside Allie. 

James nodded sharply, holding one hand on his head. 

 

__________

 

Back at Sam’s, James stayed quiet. Allie noticing him rubbing his head. Doing the same thing she’d done, opening and moving around his jaw, closing his eyes to something Allie couldn’t see. But whenever Allie asked him, he said he was fine. So she knew there were things popping in his head, bad things, but didn’t want to talk about it. 

They kept on like that the next few days until it was the night before the funeral. 

James and Allie holding each other on the couch. Allie noticed James was always awake when she woke up and wondered if he was sleeping, always telling her he was fine instead of really answering her question. So, no, he probably hadn’t been sleeping all this time. Where could he get a pamphlet? Where could he get checked out? Where would someone tell him about what happened to him? And if only he’d talk about it.

She sniffed his arm, mainly smelling cold and the fabric over his arm. Even with all this, she wondered about James, who didn’t sleep, who laughed at things but didn’t know why, who opened car doors for her and called her ‘doll,’ who had done that to Steve’s face. Allie found out later about all the gunshot wounds. James who was with HYDRA somehow and had stood by like a zombie as she was pelted with objects and raped until something happened to make him stop Rumlow. James, who now got headaches, who’d taken her away from that house, made sure he didn’t hurt her wrist when he broke her free from the handcuffs. He brought her to Steve, followed her and Sam somehow and kept watch over them on the roof. The James that held her every night, and that she kissed in the waiting room. But then acted like it never happened. 

Were they merely clinging to each other because they’d been through a lot? Did she really like him, or was this some sort of misplaced attachment because he’d saved her and he just felt protective of her? Because… Because… In spite of all these things, she still thought he was handsome, wondered about what it would be like to kiss him on the lips. But dreaded what came after because she couldn’t think of how she’d be able to have another man touch her like that, do the same things Rumlow had already gotten to do. Do it the same way Rumlow had? And just because he was different, didn’t make him any less of a man. If he liked her, he probably wondered about other things. He would probably want other things. He probably wanted to fuck her. Hard, while she fought back. Is that what all guys wanted? Allie imagined being very nice to him, keeping still despite the terror that flooded her body, maybe she could stay still and let him do what he wanted. Or fight him if that’s what got him off. Was that right? With him, it wouldn’t be so bad. She squeezed his arm tight, even though she couldn’t stand the touch of him now. Squeezing her eyes shut, she fell into a fitful sleep as she felt her body crack.

She awoke to the sound of glass shattering all around her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update in a few days, as I will be working now until Halloween!


	22. Plans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone's just as excited as I am. This is still just the beginning. Gonna hit some juicy things soon. ;) ;) I think everyone needs that. 
> 
> I had planned this chapter differently but characters made decisions. I'm simply recording them.
> 
> Also, don't know if everyone's well-versed on traumatic things. Might or might not make sense. People tend to vacillate between a lot of extremes. From "great" to "terrible" to "suicidal" to "hopeful." And this is also why they feel like they're going crazy. But it's all normal reactions to abnormal circumstances. :) 
> 
> Reminder, James "Bucky," doesn't remember anything except for the Battle (including Sam), especially the fight with Steve, i.e. almost killing him, Allie and the events at that house, killing Sandy and things he just does or says out of "instinct" or "reflex." 
> 
> Enjoy! :D

A cool wind blew through the room. There was a faint crunch of glass being crushed under shoes, as Allie opened her eyes and pulled away from James, who stared at Allie in half-concern and half-curiousity. The curtains billowing in the morning air, shards of glass peppering the floor like a barrage of hail from the sky. No. This did not just happen. Did it?

“What the fuck?! Shit!” Sam screamed. Moments later, they heard someone take a careful step into the room. “Is, uh… Is everyone okay over here?” Sam said, taking sobering glances at the extent of damage done.

Allie bit the side of her lip, unable to look at him, looking around the room in horror. 

“Allie?” James squeezed her shoulder. Allie shrugged his hand off, trying to shake her head to get rid of the nausea his touch now brought. A million thoughts seemed to cascade across his face. 

“Jesus Christ, Sam.” Allie groaned at it all. Part of her wanted to laugh because she’d done something so big. But this was Sam’s house. This would take forever to clean and be costly to fix and she fucking did it. And... “I’m so, so, sorry, Sam. Jesus god! Fuck!” This is what they thought she might be able to do. Just not as destructive, maybe flying glasses or plates, or shaking things but not shattering every piece of glass in the house. Allie had to see. She stood and took a step. James surging forward and Allie immediately taking one bounding step back in her shoes away from him, choosing to not hide the look of fear from her eyes. It was too early, and too much happened before any of them could fully collect themselves or have breakfast or even coffee. Allie felt a twinge of guilt at seeing James' face dip, when she recoiled now. All this time she couldn’t stay away from him and suddenly she couldn’t stand to be touched by him. 

She gave a pointed look at James. “I just need to see the rest of the house.”

Sam shook his head. “I can’t. I can’t do this right now. It’s too early for this!” And walked out onto the porch. 

Allie looked back at James. “I’m sorry. Just don’t touch me right now. Please?” 

James gave the barest of nods as they walked through the hallway, both James and Allie checking the various rooms for the amount of damage Allie had done. Every window, every room. Both the living room TV and Sam’s were cracked. How would Allie fix this? What about Sam? They walked back through the living room, when the door opened and Allie saw a familiar face.

“We don’t have much time. We need to get everyone out, while we do damage control.” Maria said, quickly.

They were moved through the doors, into a van parked at the curb. Allie first, then James, and Sam. No questions. No talking. 

They watched as police cars, and a few other vans zoomed past them and parked near Sam’s house.

“Thanks for the quick response. But, hey, what’s going to happen to my house?”

“Don’t worry, Sam. We’re just gonna make it seem like an accident. Be good as new soon. I promise you that,” Maria said. She seemed so sure. But all this serving under Fury, working behind the scenes on the operation, they were all in better hands now. 

“All that broken glass can’t look like an accident,” James said, soberly. 

Maria turned back to look at them. “People have a habit of believing what they want to believe, if it makes them feel safe. We’ll have something on the news for them.” 

Allie shook her head. “But after all that, isn’t SHIELD gone?” 

Maria grinned. “Our agents are still out there and we still have a lot of friends in high places.”

Where were they taking them? Allie had just blown up Sam’s house? No one was arresting either her or James. Would they? And they were all sitting right next to each other. “Where are you taking us?” Allie looked at James, who already seemed resigned to whatever fate had next for him. Allie grabbed his hand, stroking the top of it. She looked at the carpeting in the van, the ceiling, the seat covers and detailing. She realized it was the same kind of van that carried her away when she got kidnapped. At least this time she could see everything. 

“Some place safe for now,” Maria answered. 

Allie wanted to know. “Are all of us going to the same place?”

Maria made a sound of acknowledgment, she knew what Allie was hinting at. “Everyone, including Sergeant Barnes, will be staying at the same facility until we can work out a better arrangement as soon as we can manage it.”

Allie squeezed James’ hand. She didn’t want him taken away but there were times where he terrified her for no reason, when his touch felt absolutely disgusting to her. 

They drove under a tunnel and were taken to an abandoned dam. Allie was given a phone, two epi-pens and and an inhale and grinned. Normal Allie things to have again. “But what if someone traces my phone?”

“Can’t be traced, if they don’t know it’s you,” Maria said. "Just don't call anyone. For now. Internet's still up. Just don't sign into anything."

Allie nodded. There was a steel table with chairs all around it and a disheveled hospital bed, the monitors, IV pole still beside the bed. James had a hard set to his jaw, eyeing everything in the facility, as everyone else sat down. 

“James, are you okay?” Allie asked. He had a similar look on his face when they were back in that town, after he'd heard bullets on TV. 

He looked at all the instruments. “Is this SHIELD?”

“It’s a secret SHIELD facility we keep for emergencies,” Maria said. She looked at him for a second. “Is something making you nervous, Sergeant?”

James walked around the room, looking at every piece of equipment. 

“You’re free to leave. I just thought you’d all just,” Maria glanced at Allie, “like to stay together.”

James softened at that and stood back beside Allie, not sitting in the free chair beside her. 

Maria took out two keys and put them on the table, Allie immediately recognizing her and Sandy’s keys. James took a quick intake of breath at the sight of them. “We understand the STRIKE team took you. We got these off of Rumlow.” 

Hearing that name was still a blow to her insides. Allie nodded. 

“When we took you in, we knew your powers might grow. We thought, Fury and I thought, that after Project Insight took off, we’d ask you if you’d like to be enhanced.” 

Allie’s fists clenched at the thought. SHIELD wanted to do the same thing to her, same as HYDRA. 

“But,” Maria’s voice was soft, “we wanted it to be your choice.”

Allie muttered. “Well, someone already beat you to the punch." Allie squeezed her eyes shut, then looked right at Maria. "And Project Insight? The one that was supposed to kill millions of people? I read about it. That was your idea?”

“Actually, we got the idea from you.”

Allie glared, “What? How—”

“We saw the names on the ledger grow. We couldn’t possibly get rid of that many people. The only way was to do it all at once.”

“I never wanted people to die—” Allie yelled.

“This is a war we’re fighting, Allie. Mass casualties are—” Maria looked down.

"Unavoidable..." Sam chewed on everything, a glum expression on his face. 

“No!” Allie groaned in exasperation.

“Did you really think all those people would just go to jail, that all those people could be planted with evidence and be dealt with?” Maria asked Allie.

Allie thought about the list. There were so many. But couldn’t there be another way? They were the good guys after all. They didn’t just kill people, didn't they? There was a system. But the system, all of it, allowed something to grow inside SHIELD, undetected. 

“We’ve been trying to locate the ledger. We need your help.” Maria said. 

Allie shook her head. “I can’t do that anymore. Whatever happened, made my perception go away. I can’t feel anything. I don’t know anything, not in the way I could before.”

“What happened exactly? They tried to enhance you? Did they give you something?” Maria asked. 

Allie took a deep breath. 

“If you want, we can go somewhere more private.” And looked at both James and Sam, who stopped moving, both looking down. 

“No, no. They know.” Allie scratched at the table with her nails. She wanted to squeeze James’ hand as hard as she could, but she didn’t want to feel his touch when she had to tell it all again. “Is there any alcohol or truth serum around here? That would make this a lot easier.”

“Allie?” Maria said, concerned. “What happened?”

“I was waiting for you. And I got this thing from Natasha. Some sort of shocking device. Someone found me, I electrocuted him, but the joke’s on me, because since I am, because I was an empath, I wound up shocking myself too. I was taken to a bank and Pierce showed up with Rumlow. I thought they were going to kill me. And then I could feel them doing something to someone else and the guards that were holding me up, seemed to feel what I feel. I felt like my brain was exploding.” 

Allie saw James swallow hard, in the corner of her eye. “Pierce planned to enhance me with,” Allie cleared her throat, “trauma. And then chemically, after I had 'manifested.'”

Maria chewed on that for a moment but said nothing. 

“They took me to a house with the rest of the team and uh, James. And then he, him.” Allie couldn’t say his name. “Are my parents dead? They knew where they were. They had pictures. When James rescued me, I didn’t think about them. And I’ve been too afraid to know the truth but— Are they dead?” Allie tried digging her fingers in the table. 

“Your parents are safe. We caught them as they were taking pictures, but that’s all STRIKE did. And if STRIKE came back, there was no one to go after.” Maria tapped her hand on the center of the table. “They’re alright. We’ll make arrangements for them to see you, if you like. Although, it might not be in person, exactly.” 

Allie sighed deeply, as a few tears slipped from her eyes. “When? When? Now?” Allie was jumping in her seat from excitement. And then thought, would they see her and know she was different? Would they see everything they did to her? Could they still love her like that? Would they be disappointed in her? She could have done better, hid better, stayed out of trouble. She chuckled, she was never really good at that anyhow. 

“When we get you to your new arrangements you can,” Maria nodded.

Allie grinned. “All three of us?” 

“Uh…" Sam looked at her and James, cutting the air with his hand. "Count me out. Sounds like the best time to visit my family in Louisiana or take a vacation...” He eyed Maria. “Can I, can I do that?”

Maria shook her head. “I don’t see why not. We can also make arrangements for you at the Avengers compound. HYDRA wouldn't be after you. Not as much as—”

Sam pointed at Allie and James. “These two.”

Maria thought for a moment. “Wait so, Rumlow showed you pictures of your parents. Then what?”

Allie changed her mind then. She grabbed James’ hand and pulled him down. He took that as a sign to sit in the chair and scoot his chair right beside her. 

“So, he, him, he…” 

"Rumlow?" Maria clarified. 

"Yes." Allie swallowed thickly, squeezing James’s metal hand, his flesh one covered hers as she turned into him, pulling their hands on her lap, tucking her feet under herself. “I had to do everything he wanted me to do.” And she saw it, felt it. With each new flash, each new sensation, she squeezed James’ hand, who squeezed right back. “He had me take…” Allie had to take a breath. “Hooo! Doing this is a lot harder than I thought…” Allie chose her words carefully. To be as far removed from the story as she used the most formal words as possible. “If I did everything he wanted, they would stay safe…” Allie laughed. If she had known, that her parents would be safe, that she didn’t have to do anything he said. Her hands were starting to shake like she was cold, but she wasn’t. “He made me remove my clothes and had me get 'ready' for him. He had sex with me for an unknown period time and took that time to position me in a variety of ways. I had to pretend I wanted it. Then I don’t know." Allie shrugged. "It was taking him too long, to, to, come. And he was getting mad. So he wanted me to fight him and tell him to st-s-s—” She felt sick, the word choking her, like the word became a solid thing lodging in her throat. “So I tried to get him to not do it anymore.” Her heart was a thumping stone in her chest. “But he just wanted me to struggle, to help him finish. At that point it was already quite... painful. He wanted to hear me say it, how much I wanted it to end and then,” Allie sighed. “James pulled him off me. He was choking him. I wasn’t thinking. I tried to put on my clothes and get away, but I was moving too slow. Everything was too bright and blurry at the same time and they were waiting on the other side of the door for me. He chained me to a bed and I somehow fell asleep. When I woke up, I heard bullets and James came and took me away. And after all that, I just can’t seem to sense anything anymore. Not like I could. I’ve tried. And then at Sam’s I broke all the window. And here we all are.” Allie shrugged. 

“When Rumlow said he was going to use trauma, he meant rape?”

“He tried something else before, he got everyone to throw stuff at me and I had to deflect it using my mind but I couldn’t. He shot at me with blanks. I didn't know." She shook her head. "That happened before what he did at the house.”

“Allie, I’m so sorry that happened to you,” Maria tapped her hand near Allie's on the table. "No one should..."

“It’s fine.” Allie said quickly. “I mean, thank you.” She took a quick glance at Maria, afraid of seeing pity in her eyes. But there was only sadness and resolve. Good. Allie was alright with that. 

“We can drop you off somewhere, if that’s what you want, you don’t have to hear from us ever again.” Maria offered. 

Allie was confused. “'What do I want?' What do you want? What were your plans before I destroyed them because I don’t work anymore?”

“We want to get the ledger. It’s still out there. They're all still out there. We need to trace them, figure out where they might be coming together, where they might be hiding, and go after them.”

Allie thought. Maria, Steve and whoever else would need all the help they could get. Who knows what else HYDRA could be planning once they got strong again. 

Allie looked at James. ”We have to help. I still want to help.” She wanted them gone. And a chance to get Rumlow, wherever he was. 

“We have to wipe them off the face of the earth.” James said, sternly.

Allie was taken aback at the harshness of his tone, but deep down, she knew it was true. “But I’m no good to you like this.” She shook her head. “James can help, But I can’t… and I have asthma and a whole bunch of things.”

“We can enhance you up to a point where you won’t have those problems anymore. But it’s your choice.”

“Okay, yes.” Allie didn’t hesitate. 

“But…” Maria said, as though she wasn't sure if Allie knew she was sure. 

“But?” Allie asked. She was still shaking from the conversation, but she saw what she could do to him in her head. Could she kill Rumlow? The old Allie would balk at the thought. But she was different. People needed to pay for what they did. They were going to kill millions of people. They hurt people. They hurt her. They hurt James. 

“You’ve just been through a lot in a short time. And your powers will need to be in control first before we can use you.” Maria looked at Allie pointedly.

Were they now saying no? “I still don’t know what you’re trying to get at. Yes or no? I want to help.”

“Their forces are still weak and so while we look for the ledger and find the HYDRA facilities, maybe you should find time to recuperate and gain better control of your powers.”

“And you?” Allie turned to James. 

“I’ll go wherever they want me.” He squeezed her hand and smiled. “But, I thought you didn’t want me to leave.”

“I don’t. But if you go, I’m coming with you,” Allie nodded, fully determined.

“Oh, god. See this is exactly why I don’t want to be stuck in a house with these two. This. All of this.” Sam gestured at both of them wildly.

“Six weeks. We’re going to get you away from everything, while we take care of all the preliminary issues. Then we can see how far along we all are and go from there. I’m sorry Allie, there’s a bit too much glass at the Avengers complex. We’re gonna need you to go somewhere a bit more woodsier.” 

Sam shuffled excitedly inches seat, like the only sibling allowed to get dessert. 

Neither Allie or James seemed to care that much. Inside, Allie wanted to stay at the Avenger's facility. Maybe later.

________

 

Maria told the guys to go on ahead to the car. She trailed behind with Allie, slowing her gait significantly, Allie following suit. “What’s up, Agent Hill?”

“There’s another reason James is staying with you that you need to know about.”

Allie peered at her curiously. “OK? There's a reason?”

“Without your presence, he may be erratic.” 

Allie shook her head. “All this time he’s been fine.”

“He’s been brainwashed by HYDRA for decades. We have no way of knowing exactly what they did to him. And if he’s stable now, it’s probably because of you. Empaths can emit a healing energy. So by you being around him, you’re helping him come back to himself.”

Allie laughed at that. “But he’s been helping me all this time.”

“Then take this time you have together. You can’t just stop being an empath, but you’ve gone through a lot and you need some time, maybe you can help us. Maybe we don’t need that ledger, and you can help us the same way you always have. And then you can help us destroy them once and for all with your new gifts.”

Allie frowned. “I guess it’s not shaping up to be telekinesis, is it?”

Maria shook her head. “It looks to be some kind of psychic exploding power. Which is still pretty cool, if you ask me,” she grinned.

Allie thought a moment. “So, I’m like bomb.”

“Essentially, yes,” Maria added. 

“I can blow them up from the inside out?” Allie saw herself blowing up doors and planes and...

Maria made a face. She seemed equally amused and terrified. “All the more reason to make sure your powers are under control. For everyone's sake.”

Allie’s eyes widened. She had a physical power and maybe her nice powers weren’t lost after all. Just hiding or something. And she could be out there getting rid of HYDRA for real with James and Steve and Sam? Would the rest of the Avengers be there too? She grinned at the thought of all of them together. One step at a time. She wanted to get better. James was still easily agitated, still not sleeping, and if she was helping him, how much worse would he look or be without her? 

Allie gasped, remembering what day it was. “Sandy! I was supposed to talk. The funeral. I just keep ruining things don't I?!”

“That’s the reason I got here so quickly. I was here for the funeral." She looked at her watch. "And it’s almost over now. I'm sorry, Allie.”

Allie grabbed Maria’s arm. “Steve? Steve has to know James is here, with me.”

Maria nodded. “We can have him go to the cabin later on today, or something.”

“Cabin?” Allie asked, cocking her head.

“In the Catskills. One of Stark’s getaways.”

Allie stopped moving, mouth hanging open. “Like, as in, Iron Man? No!”

“Friends in high places,” Maria said, tapping Allie's shoulder. 

“No kidding!” Allie grinned, as they made their way to the car. 

On the way, Allie thought about everything, including what she'd done to Sam's house. “Sam. Your house. I—” Allie started.

“Kid, it’s alright. They got a team fixing it now. You saw it. And I get to stay in the Avengers tower, while both of y’all are staying in some shack in the woods. I’m good.” He glanced over at Allie and grinned, and eyebrow raised. 

Allie felt better at that. 

“Agent Hill?” James asked. 

Allie was surprised. He hadn’t really spoken much to anyone besides Allie, even Sam. But Sam was still harboring some resentment against him. 

“Yes, Sergeant Barnes?” 

“If we’re gonna be all alone in the woods for all that time, I’m gonna need some supplies.”

Allie bit her lip. The first thing her mind flew to. Supplies. They were going to be alone. She swallowed. There were tears in the back of her eyes. She knew it. She positively knew it. Condoms. He wanted condoms. Because hey, all the sex they were going to be having because they liked each other probably. That’s what normal people did. But they weren’t normal, not by a long shot. But he wouldn’t really try if she didn’t want to would he? Rumlow did it for a reason. What if this is what he was waiting for? Get her alone. And finish what Rumlow started. She saw flashes of him shooting at her, to get her to, to what? She startled at his hand on her arm.

“You alright, doll?”

Allie couldn’t look at him. She nodded quickly and smiled. 

“I gotta get protection for both of us,” James offered, with a small smile.

Sam cleared his throat. 

They turned on a familiar street. Her street. “Wait. Where are we going?”

“Your house. I imagine you’d like to get the rest of your personal effects.”

“No! I don’t want my old stuff. We can stop at a mall or store. I can get new things. I have money. Just, I don't wanna see that place.”

“We do advise against that for now. We’d rather not have it be out there that you two are together. If HYDRA does catch sight of you, we’d rather have it be when you both are up to fighting strength, so to speak.” She looked in the rearview mirror at Allie. Allie caught her eyes. “You really don’t want to go to your house?”

“No.” Allie sighed. “But if it’s alright, I’d like to pass by the cemetery, get some flowers to her. Say goodbye to Sandy? If that’s possible.”

“I think we can manage that.” Maria smiled softly.

“Managing that” meant Allie and James watching from the car as Sam put flowers down next to the fresh grave. Hill off to the side, inconspicuously keeping watch. Allie crawled over James. Her mind curious at what lay waiting for her once she was alone with him in the cabin. She focused on the grave, hands on the glass. So far away. “Bye, Sandy,” she whispered. One day she’d go there and talk to her, get her really nice flowers. She giggled at the thought of buying one of those little bottles of liquor from BevMo and pour it on the grass. Maybe she’d get her tequila. She’d like that. At that, Allie let out a shuddering breath, the kind that came in between sobs, but no tears came. Maybe it was shock. Maybe she was still in shock. 

“I’m sorry,” James said. 

She turned back to see his eyes going back and forth from meeting hers and looking down. 

“I was ordered to shoot her with a tranquilizer dart. Eliminate witnesses. And then shoot her with the needle. Find the key and get out.” He leaned his head back with a heavy sigh. “How can you stand to be around me?”

“You saved me from that house. I saw the ‘you’ before and I see the ‘you’ now. This one wouldn’t have killed my friend. You’re different from him. He’s not you.”

He stared at her with his grey-blue eyes. “How sure are you about that? He’s still in me. Inside my mind. I think like him. I don’t ever let you see it. But he’s there. What if they just lock me up? Everyone'll be safer that way.”

“No.” She curled up against him and wrapped her arms around him, shaking her head against his flesh shoulder. "Not for me."

_______

 

They were met by an identical van under a bridge, near the outskirts of the city. All transferred to the new van. Sam stayed behind. Allie hugging Sam goodbye. He and James mildly acknowledging each other with a nod. The vans peeled away from each other, Sam saluting Allie with a grin. 

As soon as Maria got in the passenger seat once more, they were off. They wound through country roads, meeting barely any cars. Allie curled up into James side, who offered his lap. And Allie wondered if he knew about blow jobs. And no, too close for comfort. If this had been any other time before she probably would have been excited and curious. But she bit her lips together, it seemed to keep her heartbeat down. Enough. She thought about the cabin. There would be knives there. If she had to she could slit her wrists, or something. If she had to. For the moment her powers didn’t seem too effective towards people, let alone assassins with a bionic arms. Allie felt herself drifting off to sleep a few times but always tried to come back for fear of doing the same thing to this van’s windows, if she ever had dreams bad enough. Especially with James around. Maybe this whole arrangement was a terrible idea.

Allie had a crick in her neck from being slumped over James’ arm when they arrived and piled out. 

“Wow,” James said in surprise. “This is some cabin.”

The "shack" Sam thought they were going to be spending time in was two stories tall, with a balcony that seemed to wrap around the entire top part of the house. 

The front door did not have a door knob and simply opened when they approached to James' surprise. “That wooden door just opened.” 

Allie wasn't too started, what with working at SHIELD and all their little elevator AIs and things.

“An older form of Stark’s AI operates this cabin.” Hill walked over to some paneling on the wall just opposite the big screen TV. "Very old. You can't talk to it."

Allie knew exactly why they chose this specific location. Nearly everything was made of wood. The floor, the furniture, the walls. Nothing was painted, maybe only varnished. The only glass around was the TV, and god help them if she managed to break the TV, a mirror over the fireplace and in the bathrooms, and glasses for drinking. Allie could certainly hope not to break those easily enough and found herself exploring the bottom floor by herself.

Maria came back from the outside as James waited just inside the doorway when Allie came back around. There were two black suitcases already in the living room. 

Maria gestured at the house in general. “You’ve got a fully stocked kitchen. If you need more supplies, we can communicate through the console there and get you whatever you need.” 

“Thank you, Agent Hill.” James said, peering at everything all around him. 

“Sergeant Barnes.” She turned her attention to Allie. “Let’s go outside, just between us girls.”

Allie thought that was weird but went on out with her.

Maria hugged her, which surprised Allie. She didn’t seem to be the huggy type. But then she showed her her phone, text written on it:

 

HYDRA installed a failsafe in him. If you say “SPUTNIK,” he will instantly fall asleep.

 

Allie peered curiously at Maria who grinned widely and hugged her again. “See you soon, Allie.”

She grinned back at Hill and watched as the van disappeared through the trees leaving her alone with James. It was time to get this over with. She wouldn't have to use the word against him would she?

Soon enough she found out exactly what the suitcases held. Toiletries and clothes for them both. The third suitcase seemed too big to hold just condoms. James kneeled over the black case and opened it up carefully, revealing an array of small arms, knives, and four small bombs. 

"So when you said protection, you meant..."

"Protection," James squinted up at Allie. "We're you thinking something else?"

Maybe she should tell him. Instead, Allie turned around, turning her attention to the console. Pressing buttons, and finding a menu for food, shopping and music. How would all that work? She felt James come to close to her, forcing her to whirl around. "What happened earlier today, before the house exploded?"

Allie thought of her non-dream. Her thoughts about him swirling in her head. What now? What now?

"'Cause right now, you look terrified."

"I'm--"

"And don't tell me you're fine, either..."

Allie glared at him, "Same to you, pal. I know you don't sleep. You stare off into nothing and I don't know what's going on. Tell me what's wrong."

"I asked you first." James made a face at her.

Allie scoffed, then smiled. "You did not just pull that with me." She shook her head.

"Spill."

"Do you want to have sex? With me?"

James' eyes popped open. "That's... That just came outta no where."

Allie peered at him quizzically, "Did it?"

James seemed to think for a minute. "I just want to make sure you're safe."

"When I see you look back at me, when we're together at night and I fall asleep in your arms, that's not 'I'm just protecting you' behavior. I don't think." 

"I think you're pretty. But that's neither here nor there. Why are you asking me this? You kissed me."

"And you never brought it up again."

"Like I said. You kissed me."

He had her there. "I think you're pretty handsome. And I think in other circumstances I would have liked for you to like me back, do other things. Maybe, later?" Allie felt her cheeks heat up, as she paced in circles looking everywhere else but at James.

"You like me?" he asked. 

Dammit, she was confessing feelings for another guy already? And Steve's long lost best friend no less. Cheese and crackers! "Yes?" she looked up at him then, just to see what his face said. Usually guys were disgusted by her liking them, except ever since she turned fifteen, that all changed. And Steve, even if he didn't like her back. 

James looked more worried than anything else. "I think I like you too. I think you were his 'type.' My type, I guess," he shrugged. 

All of a sudden, Allie's shoulder twitched. This was making her freak out. 

"You smell nice. Better than me." James winked. 

Allie smiled at that. "Bro, you smell pretty fine. Don't sell yourself short. You're too tall for that shit."

He chuckled softly, "Was that a really horrible joke, you just made?"

Allie rolled her eyes, but grinned in the end. "It was not horrible. I've been making jokes like that all my life."

They walked closer to each other. 

"So you admit it?" James licked the side of his mouth and the movement seemed to tug something out of Allie. Desire? Allie swallowed thickly. She grasped at his elbows, looking at his plump mouth. She didn't know how it was possible, but she wanted him, and leaned up. Their lips met, he pressed further into the kiss but Allie's terror flooded through her. She doubled back falling on her knees. Gasping, she saw herself on the floor and him looking down at her but she could also see clearly, see him shoving her down on the carpet, hear him tearing off her clothes, feel him shoving himself roughly into her. And it hurt. She looked around wildly. She could hear a version of herself begging him to stop, trying to fend him off but he was too big, too strong. He didn't give a shit about her. 

And then a familiar melody made her way into her consciousness. She could see James, fully clothed and far away from her, a hand on the console on the wall. "Waterloo" playing. 

"My, my, at Waterloo, Napoleon did surrender..." ABBA sang.

Allie gasped. Still seeing momentary flashes of James and Rumlow somehow doing the same thing as the song played. She crawled to her bag and took a blessed puff from her inhaler. She found the kitchen as quickly as possible and managed to find some vodka. She drank until she choked with the cool liquid, burning it's way down her throat, dulling everything going through her head. She leaned on the cupboard behind her, sitting, drinking until she shut her eyes. Feeling arms go around her, lifting her, but she was too drunk to care anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> REMINDER: I purposely put things from the comics and/or movies for fun and because they make sense with the story, etc. So if you see some familiar dialogue, etc. Easter eggs? :D Or, whatever...


	23. Adjustments

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluffy, angst... And food. Always food.

Her eyelids were pasted to the front of her eyes, stinging as she tried to open them. “Mmm…” she groaned, finally opening them, taking in her unfamiliar surroundings. The wooden walls, the TV set. She was laying on a mattress in the middle of the room, surrounded by three couches and at least five pillows either haphazardly under her leg over one hand, and two that had sandwiched themselves between the bottoms of the couches and the mattress edge. 

James was no where in sight. She remembered being carried after she drank all that vodka. Where was her bottle? She popped up on her elbows, looking at the table. Where was her bottle of booze and why the fuck did James dare take it away from her? She looked at her clothes carefully and wriggled her toes. He’d taken off her shoes but none of her clothes. Why did she wonder that at all and a felt a pang of guilt. She needed to stop. He was so good to her in al this time and she kept freaking out he would attack her. She saw a flash of what she saw, was it hours ago? Was that real? Was that going to be real though? Was this her seeing the future, or was it fear, flashes of what she feared the most. How the fuck was this all making sense? 

She sniffed at the air, a new aroma pulling her out of her head. Buttery, salty, starchy. Mashed potatoes? Who was— James was cooking? James could cook? Allied balanced herself on the mattress and followed the soft clanking noises and the smell. He was a master assassin and before that he was an adult. 

There were really nice small oil flower paintings that lined the walls. She passed a bathroom with a really nice tub. Later on she’d have a definite bath in that. Were there bubble bath things around or some sort of bath bomb she could use? She smiled, she’d have a hell of a time explaining what that was to James. And walked straight into the kitchen. James stirring a pot with his metal hand. 

“I put your vodka back in the fridge. Wouldn’t want it to get too warm.” He grabbed a pepper grinder and twisted it into the pot a few times, taking to stirring again.

“You, uh… Cook?” 

James turned, taking a spoon to his lips and licking some mashed potatoes off. 

Allie felt her chest tighten. How could he be doing the randomest things and turning her on? 

“I guess I do.”

He switched the fire off and set the spoon on the rim, the handle on the countertop and walked over to her. “You doing OK?”

Allie grabbed his hand and walked them back to sit on the couch. She looked down. “Yeah. Uh… That was dramatic.”

“What happened?”

She just had to tell the truth. That was it. Everything would be a lot easier if they both just did that. “Can we make a promise to each other, that no matter how much it sucks, we just tell each other the truth. Even if it’s confusing or…” Allie shrugged, finding James’ eyes. “The truth. Can we do that?”

“Alright.” James nodded. 

“In my head I saw you hurt me, the way ‘he’ had when you kissed me. When we kissed. I also saw and felt 'him.' And I wonder now if it’s the future I’m sensing. Sometimes, when you were holding me I wondered about us doing stuff together. Kissing. And I was worried, really worried if you wanted that. I know I can’t deliver.” Allie shook her head and let out a shuddering nervous breath. 

“I see flashes of streets. I can feel guns, knives in my hands that aren’t there. I can hear bullets hitting people, but I don’t see it. But I know it’s me that shot them. I don’t want to kill anyone, but when I have a gun in my hand or near me it’s the most natural thing in the world.”

“Okay.” Allie nodded. Not the answer she was expecting. 

“Okay. So when you ask me what I want to do with you, I don’t know. You kissed me and when you did. I pushed into it because I wanted to. It felt good. Whatever you wanna do, or not do, has been fine by me so far.”

Allie sighed. 

“And I talked to Sam because I have no clue what to do or say when you look at me the way you do.”

“When I freak out?”

He squinted at her, “Alright, yeah. When you 'freak out?' That’s why I wanted to get you back to Steve. That maybe he’d better know how. ‘Cause I don’t know. But I can’t stand to see you like that. Whatever you’re thinking about me, I can’t stand to see you look like that.”

“What did Sam tell you?”

“Well, I haven’t done it so far. Sorry.” He pulled out her new phone from his pocket and put it on the countertop. “He said to ask permission for everything, especially when it concerns you. And a little about this thing called Google.”

“So when I was asleep, you were Googling?” Allie wondered if he’d found porn already. 

“He said some of it would apply to me too. I saw it on your papers.”

Allie gasped animatedly. “You were looking.”

“You were right next to me.”

“Post-traumatic stress disorder, rape trauma syndrome, and how I should act with you. And...” 

Allie was taken, aback, happy, and embarrassed all at once. She gave him a small smile and walked into his arms. They hugged each other as tight as Allie held James. “I can’t believe you’d do that.” She wondered about telling him, but she just said they should be completely honest. “I thought you were looking up porn.”

He shook his head a little. “Porn on Google?”

Allie smiled and knew it was a bad idea, but typed in the search bar and found PornHub and clicked. As soon as she saw the naked figures and titles her breathing changed. She had trouble looking at the screen and James, focusing on the coffee table and the pattern of the wood. 

“The future sure is an interesting place,” he smiled, and lifted his hand but stopped short. “I want to put my hand on your shoulder.”

Allie focused on the dark designs on the table. Tears were in the backs of her eyes. Why did she fucking do that? 

“Doll?”

She made no efforts to look at him or answer. 

“Can you look at me?”

“No,” she shook her head, her voice cracking.

“Can I hold you?” He held his arms near her, still not touching her outright.

Allie nodded and shakily molded herself into his side. 

“Wanna watch something?”

Allie nodded. There were at least five remote controls by the TV itself. ”Usually two should do it. Actually…” She got up and found whichever remotes matched the TVs make and turned it on. She settled in with James again, wiping her eyes against the fabric of his shirt. And looked through the guide. She avoided action titles, mainly war movies, and romantic movies that looked like it would get too intense for her later. Allie settled on “Wreck-it-Ralph.” And found that they were laughing at the same bits. James brought over the mashed potatoes near the beginning and they ate their way through the pot. Until that bit about the soldier freaking out at Tapper’s. Allie stopped moving and glanced over at James, eyes trained on him as she grabbed the remote.

“We can change the channel if you’d like.”

James kept his eyes on the screen and swallowed. “I think it helps that’ it’s a cartoon.” And nodded with a bit of a smile. “That was a really good movie.”

“Yeah, it’s one of my favorites. I’m glad it was on. Nothing too stressful.” But the mashed potatoes weren’t really doing it for her. She needed something heartier. “I’m still hungry.” She slapped his thigh. “Let’s go cook something else.”

Once in the kitchen James opened a cupboard and grabbed her a box of mashed potatoes. “I kinda wanna make soup.” Allie turned, when she felt the box on her arm. 

She grinned wide realizing, “Bro, you made us instant mashed potatoes?!”

“The box had all the directions. And we had the ingredients. The box seemed familiar. I can read.” James frowned at her. 

Allie shook her head. “Something else. Chicken? I hope you’re not sick of chicken!”

She found some chicken legs and fried them in a pan. She got out chicken broth and a ton of pepper, carrots, potatoes, and ginger, dropping the pieces of chicken right in the soup once the soup boiled and all the veggies were soft. 

James got them heaping bowls and they ate their soup on the mattress. 

“When did you do this?” Allie gestured around her with her spoon holding hand. 

“I found you in the kitchen and carried you to the couch. I knew bringing you to a bedroom would be the best thing but I noticed we spent almost a whole week on the couch in a house with three bedrooms.”

“I think bedrooms remind me of what happened too much. Even though everything happened in a living room. I remember it, but it’s not as clear as when he handcuffed me to the bed and left.”

They put their empty bowls on the coffee table in front go them. Allie rested her head on James’ flesh shoulder. They were watching, but not really watching “My Fair Lady” because there was only scary movies, Law and Order: SVU or some of the sort of recent war movies on TV. This was nice. Just this. She leaned over and gave him a tiny peck on the check. 

“Oh yeah?” James grinned and kissed her right back on her cheek. They watched Eliza sing to the rich guy. It made Allie think of Steve. “Steve! He wants to see you. And I sort of told Maria and he might be coming over sometime. Today, even.” Allie looked out the window. “Er, tonight?"

James blew out a breath. “What is he coming here for?”

“You’re his friend.”

“He’s friends with a guy named Bucky Barnes and according to the internet I haven’t had a name for 70 years.”

“You’re James. James Buchanan Barnes.”

“There’s a list of people I’ve killed. Speculative. Sounds about right. Missing a few people, I think. And Steve fights people like me. Hell, he did fight me already. I don’t see the point in him coming over here.”

“If I had a best friend that I thought had died and have now just found out he was fucking alive. You bet, sure as hell, I’m gonna find his ass.” Allie shook her finger at him, then look down to think. “You don’t you want to see him.”

“I don’t know what he expects.”

“I think he just wants to see you first, without the fighting. But we won’t know until he gets here. I mean, I can cancel it. But, I mean, I would like to see him. I miss him. He’s one of my best friends.” Allie stroked his flesh arm, his skin was astonishingly smooth for someone who was basically a weapon for so long. "Do you remember anything now?”

James peered forward, brows stitched together in thought. “I know I know him. I don’t remember anything. And I can’t help but feel like he’s only gonna be disappointed in me. I Googled him. Me. The old me. There’s pictures. Articles. Videos on this thing called YouTube. So everything I know, I know because I read it, not because I know it. I know I know him. That’s as deep as it goes.”

“Want me to get the vodka?” 

Allie got two glasses and put some ice in one and none in the other. She wanted it straight. She smiled, offering James the iced one. He dipped his flesh hand in the glass, his eyes widening in sudden shock, thrusting the glass hard at Allie before sitting on the couch, burying his face in his hands. 

“You, okay, James?”

He groaned, laying back on the couch, tilting his head over the couch before jerking back up right. He shut his eyes, rubbing two fingers over his eyebrows. Did his head hurt?

Allie stood and put the glasses on the table. Then, turning, she reached her hand. “Do you want me to massage your forehead?”

James caught sight of her nearing and and pushed her hand away. “Don’t touch my head,” he whispered harshly. Allie swallowed back at the rejection. It was a reaction to something. But it still hurt. Was this what it was like for him, whenever she did this to him? 

He groaned and stood up. “Sorry. I just…” He grabbed his head and massaged the sides of his head. Blinking erratically and squeezing his eyes shut over and over again.

“We should have pills around here. Maybe they’ll help if your head hurts. You have a headache?” Allie thought. Medicine cabinet. Bathroom. And walked to the room, opening the mirror over the sink. Advil. She checked the expiration date and trotted back to James with a glass of water. 

“What’s that do?”

“It’s a pain reliever. It takes a little while, it should work. Hopefully.”

James took down two pills with the water. “I keep thinking something’s gonna happen if you touch me.”

“What do you think is going to happen?”

“I don’t know just something bad. Something I hate. But I can’t tell just what that is.” 

He looked at her through his slitted eyes. “Come over here.”

Allie sat by him, tucking her legs under her. She put her hands on his. 

“You wanted to give me a massage?”

Allied nodded. “Yep.”

“What exactly, does that entail?”

“Uh, put my hands on the side of your face and just apply some pressure. Gentle pressure. It might help. Depends on the headache.”

James chuckled with closed eyes and nodded. “Slow, alright. Hands where I can see them.”

Allie touched his temples with ginger fingertips, tracing over his wide spare eyebrows. “Can I sit in your lap? For better, uh,” Allie squeezed her eyes at the poor, yet accurate word choice. “Access.”

“Do whatever you want doll, if it’d help stop the ache in my head.”

Allie sat in his lap, legs on the couch and pressed her thumbs over his eyebrows again, tracing horizontal lines up across his skin, alternating between rubbing circles on his temples. His face relaxed some as Allie could feel his head screaming, staring up in pain in some other place, another time. She felt it roar through her own head, but she breathed through it until it passed. He closed his eyes. Allie’s thumbs were achy but she wanted James’ headache gone before she stopped her ministrations. Her own head seemed to be swirling with excess pressure and she knew this was no headache that could be brought down with Advil.

He opened his eyes with a small smile. “Thanks, doll.”

Allie leaned forward and kissed his lips then and wrapped her arms around his neck. She didn’t feel threatened in this position. Part of it may be because of what she just did for him too. She licked the inside of his bottom lip and he opened up for a full-on mouth kiss. She wondered how he knew how to kiss like that before she was lost in the kiss. She wondered if he was itching to hold her and pulled back, just far enough, speaking with her slips still on his. “If you want to hold me, hold me. It’s OK.” And he pulled her in close. Even though she asked, it still startled her. And she was annoyed, she was still feeling like that. But she wanted to focus on what she wanted. He was warm, and he smelled like butter and chicken and tasted like broth still. His tongue was on hers. Allie pulled away. James leaned his head on hers. Both taking huffy breaths through their smiles. 

Allie laid her head on the couch armrests, leaving the rest of her body on James’. “How are we gonna know when he’s gonna be here?”

“That door just opened. Does it open for everyone? I’m glad I asked for guns. ‘Cause...”

Somewhere in the room was a gentle beeping. They turned to the console and walked to it: VISITOR APPROACHING. 

The system needed to be more specific for that so James went for the case and pulled out a rifle. He grabbed a knife and flipped it, and handed the handle to Allie.

Allie grabbed it with wide eyes. It had to be Steve. It has to be Steve. Any way, James was the most capable person to keep her safe, also since he was at a point a huge threat. Maybe Allie could try and blow up whatever was around the intruder. Try. At least she had a knife.

The door opened. James lined up the rifle. Allie gripped the knife handle tight. 

“Allie? Bucky?”

Allie sighed with relief at the sound of Steve’s voice. She threw the knife on the mattress and pulled the door all the way open. Steve grinned, fully healed and grabbed Allie, spinning her in an embrace. She felt him look off at James as he set her down. 

“Bucky.”

James could only had his gaze for so long before breaking it, always looking back up at Steve, but always looking back down again. 

“Do you remember me?” Steve asked James.

“I don’t. I don’t know what to tell you.” James said.

Steve nodded, looking down. “Thank you, for what you did.”

“You mean almost killing you?” James scoffed, bitterly. 

“I know you were under HYDRA”s control. No.”

“I know that. But that doesn’t make them all any less dead.” James said, staring right at Steve.

“Buck—”

“Fighting about this is not gonna change anything. Coming here isn’t gonna change anything—”

“I just needed to see you.”

“Well, I’m here.” 

“You kept my friend safe. I really appreciate that.”

“Only after the fact,” James scoffed. 

Allie’s stomach dropped and swiftly turned to look at James, who looked like he instantly regretted what he just said. 

"Steve, you better sit down for this."

Steve nodded and looked around, maybe for a place to sit. “Why’s there a mattress in the middle of the room?”

_____

Steve sat in the kitchen with a lukewarm bowl of chicken soup, nodding. He was just nodding. Rumlow, Sandy. Allie’s real role at SHIELD. Allie sat across from Steve. James leaned on the countertop, arms crossed. 

“So the door doesn’t just open for everybody?” James asked, carefully.

“The AI can tell who’s got clearance for the compound. So if you’re not authorized it raises an alarm.”  
“No,” Steve shook his head once.“You got me, with the five bells. I ducked and as soon as I cleared the air. A pelt of bullets hit. Would have gotten me.”

Allie beamed knowing that she’d saved his life. 

Steve leaned forward and grinned at Allie. “I’m sorry about Rumlow, STRIKE. What they did—“

“Let’s not focus on that anymore. Sorry. I’ve talked about ’that’ enough times. I think."

Steve nodded. “OK, so you’re a psychic?”

“She’s an empath. Get it straight, pal,” Bucky added. 

This made Steve grin smugly for some reason. “And now you can blow things up too?”

Allie shrugged. “I destroyed Sam’s house. That’s pretty much it so far. I make things shake. But I think I can just blow things up.”

“That should prove useful later.”

“Hill told me about going after them.”

“We’re working on all our leads. Heading to Europe with Fury soon.”

Allie stood up. “He’s alive?!”

“Fooled us too. He used something to make it look like he’d died. Got pretty banged up though.”

James cleared his throat. 

Allie wondered about Sandy. But didn’t ask outright because James was in the room. Even though they visited her grave. Allie still hadn’t seen her body. But they weren’t gonna keep things from each other.

“And Sandy. Is she really—“

Steve’s eyes softened. “No, she’s gone. I was there at the wake.”

“Oh,” Allie said, rubbing her hands in her lap. She looked over to see how James was holding up. “How are you doing over there?”

“As fine as I’ll ever be about this whole thing. I’m glad the Director is alive.”

“Oh, he’s not the director anymore.”

“Right. We know.” Allie nodded. 

“Agent Hill.” Steve said, confirming.

“Soup’s getting cold.” Allie grinned. “I don’t think you’ve had this soup yet.” And pushed the bowl even closer to Steve.

Steve had a spoon or two before he grinned, “Hey, this is a lot better than the slop the served at Morell’s, ey, Buck?”

James stared blankly at Steve. Allie wished he wouldn’t do that but things come up and sometimes you can’t catch yourself fast enough. She felt sorry for both of them. Even though James was looking mostly annoyed, she knew he felt a little bad about it all. And Steve who’d lost Bucky, but finding just how little of his friend was left in the person in front of him now.

Steve nodded. “It’s really good soup, Al.” And took a bite with potato. “So you’re really thinking about joining us?”

“I think Sam’d be really happy about that. I’m going to make you all fat with my cooking. Maybe just Sam and Tony Stark.” Allie gasped. “Stark, he’s going to be there? I’m going to meet him? We’re going to go out together-together.”

“That’s the point. That’s the plan.”

“Holy shit balls! No! No!” Allie made excited faces, mouthing, and gesticulating wildly. “Unreal!"

“Doll, are you freaking out?” James asked, still looking more concerned than amused. 

Steve glanced over at James a moment, a new look in his eye.

“I am. This is amazing!”

“We’d be glad to have you on your cooking alone. Everything else is just icing on the cake.”

Allie frowned. “Oh, hell no. I’m not gonna be some housewife back at home cooking for the Avengers! I’m fully capable. I will be.”

Steve chuckled. “That’s not what I meant.” And peered up at her through his thick eyelashes. “Glad to have you back, Allie. I missed you. We really missed you.”

“It didn’t feel like it when I was there. It felt like you’d forgotten about me. Especially… I kept wanting you to burst through the doors but, yeah. I got out, James got me out.”

Steve looked curiously over at him. “James, huh?”

“That’s right.” James said in a straight voice. 

“Alright, then. James. Allie. I should be heading out.” Steve stood after saluting the both of them.

“Aww,” Allie whined. “But you just got here! I mean, I know it’s late...”

“There’s work to be done.” Steve wagged a finger at Allie and James. “Enjoy the time off you two. It’s going to be hard out there.”

“I’m looking forward to it,” said James, facing Steve. 

Allie ran over to Steve and squeezed him tight. “Come back soon, or I guess we’ll be seeing you.”

“In all the old familiar places.”

“That this heart of mine embraces,” Allie continued. “I love that song.”

“Me too. See you, Al.” He looked over at James one more time. Everyone filed out. They watched Steve mount a new bike and head off through the dark woods. 

Allie looked at James who looked extra sullen. “That was awkward.”

“I’m gonna check the perimeter. You wanna come with? Or guard the house?”

“Let me get the knife.” 

James walked on out in front of her as they checked the expanse around the house. There was a small cabin on the property, a sweat house. A pond. A big tree with a wide swing under it. And a pile of unchopped old wood. 

They treaded carefully back to the door. It was still weird to trust a smart door, but there wasn’t much they could do about it. 

Allie made the bed even though they were about to sleep in it anyway. She found a block of cooking shows to leave on while they slept and tucked herself in. James got in soon after. Hair wet. He’d taken a quick bath?

“Hey, I would have taken a shower too. Now, I’m all gross.”

“It doesn’t make much of a difference to me.” His tone was flat. He’d been this way since Steve came over. 

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, alright?” 

Allie frowned at his short tone and turned over.

He grabbed her from behind and pulled her into him. HIs ear on hers, “Sorry. Sorry.” And tugged on her ear with his teeth. It terrified Allie, but she liked it too. So much for asking permission for things. Her heart was beating quickly now. Anticipating what would he do next? 

“I don’t know why I did that. I mean, I wanted to.”

“It’s fine. I just. I was surprised.”

“No, it’s not fine. I guess, I forgot. That’s no excuse. I’ll ask next time.”

Allie nodded. Next time. 

They seemed to have switched places. James was ready to sleep it seemed. And Allie was left staring up at the ceiling. She hated feeling like this. He said he’d never hurt her, but that did nothing for her fear, or her churning stomach. She needed something to feel better. So she reached over and laced her fingers with his, closing her eyes. Repeating over and over the things he’d said. How he hated to see her scared. How he looked up PTSD for her. She was safe with him. She was safe. 

In the morning, Allie was startled awake by James screaming. He’d slept the whole night right along with her. Now his eyes looked around the room erratically, right before his haggard breaths calmed down enough. He held his hands over his head, groaning and took one long exhale.

Allie didn’t think he’d be up to talk now. So she did the only thing she thought would help. She put her hand on her stomach, stroking just under his ribcage. She shut her eyes and saw something like a dentist chair, heard a heart monitor, the crackle of electricity before her head erupted, over and over and over… Allie held onto the sights, the sensations, gripping James’ shirt before it slipped away from her, finally allowing her to breathe.

This is what James remembered. And it was all just starting to come out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all have no idea how much I want to eat that soup Allie just made, but sadly, I'm the one out of chicken here.


	24. Pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I planned to write yesterday but elections, waiting with baited breath, all that... 
> 
> This chapter came out differently than I expected. I was trying for fluff 'cause I thought we'd all enjoy some fluff, but that is not what happened.

The two of them lay like that until Allie thought James might be sleeping again. She peered up only to see his eyes open. He’d just stopped moving. Allied pulled herself up till her face was level with his. “Hey…” She looked down for a moment. She didn’t mean to look, see inside his thoughts. She wasn’t trying. It was something that was supposed to be his to tell, to share. Allie shook her head. “James. I’m sorry. I saw it. I wasn’t trying. There seems to be a tactical element to accessing things.”

“You saw it? How much?”

Allie cleared her throat. “I felt it. Heard it.”

“At least it’s something I don’t have to explain to you.” James put his hand on her back. Allie remembered Rumlow’s hand pushing her for a glimmer of a moment. But Allie focused on just talking to James. 

Maybe it was time to take the day slow. Their first full day alone. Allie grabbed her phone and found a Spotify playlist of Big Band stuff. She hesitated, unsure of what it would mean to James. She wasn’t trying to jog anything, this was just her "feel-better" stuff. Maybe they could find “The Shop Around the Corner” to watch later. “I feel like some music is in order.”

James grunted softly, eyes closed again. 

“The music I like is Big Band. It makes me feel better.”

“Play what you want, doll.”

“I just want you to know, I’m not trying to get you to remember anything. I just like the old stuff.”

James grunted again. “Seriously, just play what you want.”

“Alright,” Allie replied skeptically. And hit play. Benny Goodman’s “St. Louis Blues” started up. Allie shut her eyes and let the horns take her away. She was hoping for something slower but this was still a great song. It even lifted her out of the mood that they seemed to have found themselves in, making Allie wonder if this was her mood or James’ and if it went that way couldn’t she also shift his mood to hers too? She found her foot tapping and rocking in bed along to the music. Dancing. She thought maybe he had gone to sleep, so she went to look up that night, all that time ago. It seemed like a different time. It really was, though. She found stuff on Captain America at the New Year’s party on Instagram. She smiled when she finally found the pictures of her and Steve “dancing.” They were not as official looking as the ones Sandy had sent her on her phone, but they were still nice to see. Still a virgin. Still happy. What the hell was she now? She flopped over on her stomach and tried hard to find one of her face. When she did, she fixated on the way she grinned, how her face scrunched up in merriment and effort from all the moves she was making all on her own around Steve.

“Sing, Sing, Sing,” started to play. And it made Allie want to cry and dance at the same time.’

James opened his eyes. “I know this.”

“You do?” Allie asked.

“I smell cigarettes, and lipstick. I can see a warm dark room. It’s a club. I wanna move.” James rocked a bit. Was he remembering the dancing?

“I wanna move too. I love dancing to this song.” Allie pushed the phone close to James’ face. He grabbed the phone. “That’s him, isn’t it?”

“And me.” Sort of. It was sort of her. She wasn’t that Allie anymore. She pushed closer to James as he scrolled through the feed. They came upon random pictures of the night and there was even a short video of her and Steve dancing. 

“Looks like you had fun.”

Allie nodded. She did have fun. But that was the was night everything changed. If she’d only known. 

“Not much of a dancer, is he?” he smirked. Did he chuckle?

Allie laughed. “No.” She peered at him; he was supposed to be quite the dancer. “You think we could beat "these people" at a dance?”

James grinned and handed her her phone. “I think I could eat right about now.”

Allie let that slide. She could only think of one thing to make them for breakfast.

They took to the kitchen as Allie fished up ingredients for pancakes and found some frozen-ish bacon. She told James what he could do with the pancakes and she handled the meat herself. She didn’t want another episode like with the ice in the glass. There was a can of Tang and Country Time, Allie frowned. They were gonna have normal fucking juice goddamnit. Allie offered James his pick, but hers was gonna be a cup of coffee from a regular old coffee maker. How old was this place where they didn’t have at least a Keurig? James opted for the lemonade and the coffee, black with sugar. Allie opted to have milk and a stomach ache. He drenched his pancakes with syrup, while Allie put a 'normal' amount for a 'normal' person. His metal fingers on one hand gently clanged against the metal fork’s handle. It sounded like a chime and was strangely comforting. The pancakes squelched with the syrup as he cut into the stack.

“Jeez, James!” Allie said, reacting to the amount of syrup on his pancakes. 

“Hey, eat your own dang food, Becca!” he chuckled, looking right at Allie.

“James, who’s Becca?” Allie said, squinting at him.

He swallowed pancakes already in his mouth, frowning. “She’s… " He thought for a moment. "I think she’s my sister. I-I-I have a sister. She’s probably long gone by now.”

Allie’s eyes widened. And grabbed her phone. If they could find any of his family now, they’d be sure to find them on Facebook. She groaned, remembering she had to log in. But that was one of the no-no’s and Becca Barnes would be hard to find out there. Specifically that Becca Barnes, especially if she was that old if she was even anywhere online. She put her hand on his. “Hey, maybe when we all get together, we can have everyone find your relatives. Yeah?” Allie smiled.

“I’m not sure I want to meet them. Or, they probably wouldn’t be too thrilled having a murderer as an uncle or whatever the hell I'd be to them,” James frowned, cutting his pancakes into pieces but not eating them. 

Allie was starting to wonder if she could sponge off all his bad feelings just by touching him. She already had her hand on his, but maybe if she concentrated on taking in his feelings, it would work. Allie tried for about a minute and hoped she helped him. No matter how they cut it, he still technically killed people. This was one of the only ways Allie could help. 

James offered to clean the dishes. Allie decided to take walk outside, with her knife, of course. 

She found the swing and jammed the knife in the ground right by her, at a good enough spot that she could easily grab it back if needed. She found a playlist for 80s music. Her other feel-good stuff and listened to “Every Time You Go Away” by Paul Young for a minute then thought of another song. “Drive” by The Cars. If only she was alright with going to a bedroom. She really wanted to be alone, hide under the covers because even though it seemed like she was moving forward and everything was only going to get better, she still felt broken. There were people out there that hurt her and she couldn’t even be angry at them right now. She just hurt all over and wanted so badly for James to hold her and tell her no one was gonna hurt her ever again. But there were no guarantees for that. Bad things happen and sometimes no one has a way of stopping it and there’s only picking up the pieces, when it hurts so much to walk and breathe. Someone had done things to her. And she couldn’t stop it. She saw herself helping him rape her. But, she had to. But, she still helped him. She should have fought. But if she fought, her parents might have died. Knowing now that they wold have been fine. She got herself fucked for nothing and now she has to live with these memories for the rest of her life. An idiot. She looked hard at the knife and thought about plunging it right into her soft belly. But James. And Steve. And her parents. She laughed, eyes stinging with tears that never fell. They stopped at her throat too, like there was a stone there now. 

Allie felt James approach. Getting flash of him grabbing the knife from her so quick and slitting her throat. She felt instantaneously guilty at the thought. He already felt bad about everything and she was gonna add herself to that long list of people he'd killed. 

“Should have guessed you were gonna be here.” 

Allie tried to smile her thoughts away and jumped off the swing. She walked to the knife, then went on right to him and handed it over. “Since you’re here, you can hold it.”

They walked back to the house and heard a new beeping. The console let her know that they had had a missed call from Maria. Allie returned the call. Maria soon appeared on the small screen. A video call at that. 

“Allie. How is everything? James,” Maria smiled. 

James squeezed right up against Allie to greet Maria, “Agent Hill.”

“We’ve worked out a way for you to contact your parents.” 

Allie’s eyes popped. Not now, right? She looked at James. They’d have questions for James. Give him “the talk.” See his metal arm. Her expression was of shock and terror. “Great. When?”

“Whenever you like. We can secure the connection between this line and theirs so you can call each other at will,” Maria said.

Allie nodded. 

“And we’ve come up with a schedule for you,” Maria nodded. 

Allie frowned, “What happened to our vacation time?” 

“Trust me, it is. But we have to get you both ready for what’s to come.”

“Both of us?” James asked, quizzically.

“Yes, Sergeant. You must meet certain requirements before we’ll allow you to join us.”

“What are these requirements?” James asked, squinting. 

Maria shook her head. “The same requirements we discussed back at the dam. You will both have to pass a standard psych eval.”

“Is this ‘cause of me?” James asked. 

Allie turned to look at him. 

“Like I said, a standard psych eval. To ensure you pass, we will be providing you with counseling twice a week.”

“Both of us?” Allie asked. 

“And a chance to practice. We’ll be sending someone over to help you train,” Maria said.

“For a secret location, this is turning out to be not so covert anymore,” James frowned. 

“We’re keeping things in the family. He’ll be there two days straight every week starting tomorrow. Allie, he’s looking forward to eating your food, but he hates rice.”

Allie nodded, with a nervous smile. So they were kind of paying this person with food. “Just who…”

“Trust me, you’ll know him when you see him.”

Allie heard a faraway male voice yell. “No, they won’t. Nobody knows me!”

Maria looked back at the monitor.

“Tell them I like cake!” the voice continued.

“He—” Maria smiles.

“Coconut!”

Allie frowned, shaking her head. “I’m allergic. No dice to him.”

“Chocolate’s good too!”

Allie rifled through the Avengers or whoever Agent it could be. 

“The console will tell us what you need. Clothes or supplies, just pick it and click it. He’ll bring your things whenever next he’ll be by. You’ll be hearing from me again.” Maria nodded her head once and ended the call. The screen blinked with a red background and a phone icon in the center and blacked out before returning to normal. 

James touched the screen and went to the food screen. There were a list of ingredients they could get and a small search bar too. Allie wondered how far out and expensive they could go and searched for Beluga caviar. She got the caviar, Dom Pérignon, lamb, dried plums, wine, and a whole bunch of things she could make a soup out of, along with everything to make her dried plum lamb stew. Allie added soy and coconut milk to the mix. James got, of all things, cookies, muffins and cupcakes, along with various chocolate bars Allie had to describe. Boy had a sweet tooth. 

She guffawed after completing the order. They were getting ridiculously expensive food for free. That was the dream. 

“Can it be tomorrow already?” James looked at Allie. 

“I know, right?” Allie jumped excitedly. She looked at James’ face, his beard was coming in fast. She reached her hand but stopped short. “Can I touch your beard?”

“Go ahead,” James shrugged. 

Allie reached up. It was soft but prickly at the same time. She noticed her hand itched, so she rubbed her hand on his scruff to scratch it. He grinned and rubbed right back vigorously, making Allie laugh. 

“I like it when you laugh,” he smiled.

“I like it when you smile,” Allie grinned. 

They walked closer to each other, till their bellies were tight against each other.

“Last day of freedom. What do you wanna do?” James asked. “Can I kiss you?” Leaning his head close.

“Yes,” Allie tried not to giggle. But as soon as his head got too close, Allie shoved him away.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, a concerned look on his face.

Allie tried to shake the fear away. “I’m fine. I just need to prepare for it.” She took a quick breath and grabbed his arms. Her hands were shaking when she held his elbows. 

“Are you cold or the other thing?”

Allie sighed, looking down. “The other thing.”

“We don’t have to—”

Allie frowned. “No, I want to. I’m shaking. But I want to. Kiss me, hold me. I’m telling you I want it, but if I shake and I cry or whatever, don’t let go. Don’t stop. I’ll tell you if I don’t want it, deal?” 

“Deal,” he said, but he looked worried. 

“Dude, your face.”

“I don’t want to do anything to make you shake or cry or—” James shook his head.

Allie shook her head right back. “You didn’t do it. This is because of someone else. I’m sorry it’s like that, but it’s because of someone else.“ She wrapped her arms around him for a moment and squeezed hard. Then, she let go and grabbed his collar and pulled him down to her until their lips found each other. It was a hungrier kiss than she thought she’d been ready for, but she found her hands and mouth and tongue going, while his body mimicked her movements. She wondered what it wold be like for him to move in her. Maybe he’d be nice. Maybe it’d feel good. There was a part of her that clamored for it. And it treaded her steps back towards the bed. They both leaned over the mattress at the same time, it seemed. Was Allie doing this? But that part in her was screaming for more, burning with want. No more asking questions or thinking. 

“Doll, are you sure?” He pulled away and she nodded grabbing him to her again.

She wanted him to to grab her leg, pull her legs apart and push himself between her legs. She was only slightly surprised when he did exactly that. Was she making him do this? How could she know? She cared but not enough to stop. She wanted this. He pressed forward and she felt his growing erection on her. There was a small twist of fear, but there was anger there too, building hotter and hotter within her. “Yes. Yes.” 

She held his neck now, pulling her to him. 

“Can I touch you?” James asked, lips on her cheek.

Allie rolled hers eyes. “Trust me. I’ll st… let you know.” She almost said ‘stop,’ but she hated that useless fucking nothing word. He timidly pushed his flesh hand up to cup her breast over her bra. She unhooked herself so he could slip his hand around her skin more easily. Allie wondered what the metal one would feel like. 

James kissed her all over her face, quick tickling pecks she didn’t want. She wanted him to be rougher. She grinned, he could be brutal, he was strong. In her head, she wanted him to do it. But he took that opportunity to rub his hand on his metal one before touching her bare skin. Her head was over his shoulder now so he couldn’t see her frown. How considerate of him to warm his metal hand before touching her. She gritted her teeth. She didn’t deserve nice. She wanted him to fuck her. Hard. Hurt her. Her breaths were coming harder, faster. He peeled off her shirt with too much care. She made it a point to smile and have a calm face whenever he could see her. Smile. Smile. Smile. She had to look like she was happy with this. Allie grabbed the hem of his shirt, pulling it off him. She stopped cold she she saw the tangle of scars where his metal arm was soldered to skin. All her hate, evaporating into compassion. She swallowed, touching ginger fingers to the plates stuck to his skin. How much did that hurt to get on? How much did it hurt to use the arm? 

“I’m sorry,” she pulled him to her. “I’m so sorry they did that to you.”

“I guess I would have been useless anyway with just one arm. Can’t shoot worth a damn that way,” he chuckled. How could he do that? He pulled away from her and kissed her, tucking a loose hair behind her ear. 

She looked at the way his body was on hers and pulled her legs away. Turning to her side, she stared at the bed. “I’m sorry.”

“What—?” James asked. 

“I don’t really know what I wanted. I didn’t want to, I just got angry. And you were being so nice to me. You’ve been wonderful and I hate it…”

“You hate it?”

She had to tell him. What was the matter with her? “I don’t know but I just wanted you hurt me, like ‘he’ did. And you kept touching me. Careful. Smiling.” That’s not what she deserved. Was it normal to be hurt? No, it wasn’t… But she had trouble believing it now. Had trouble being treated nicely. 

“Why do you want me to hurt you?” He sat back on his legs, running his hand over his face. “I thought you wanted this.” 

She did, but for ugly reasons. And she didn’t even know all of them. Her scars were invisible and his were right on his chest. They’d done things to him he didn’t want. He didn’t want any of it. She wanted to reach for him, but didn’t. “I don’t know what’s wrong. I don’t know why I’m like this. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” She could feel tears burning in her throat but she couldn’t cry. And how she still felt the glimmer of anger that wanted him to hurt her.

Allie righted her shirt and bra and walked to a bedroom. Mattress-less. She walked to another that had a mattress and took a deep breath before carefully getting in bed. She remembered the room Rumlow put her in and lay down, even pulling her hand up they way it had when they put her in the handcuffs. 

She let everything wash over her, let herself feel the carpet on her skin, Rumlow fucking her on her back, on her knees, heard herself beg him to stop even though that was just a game he wanted her to play. It was over, but it was still there and she was letting it win, letting it change her thoughts, wanted her to make people hurt her. But she couldn’t shake it. He took something that was supposed to be something for her and tried to use it to get her to do things with her mind. Maybe she wasn’t dealing with this properly. She told people. People knew but she wasn’t really processing it. And James, she was taking his pain, changing it. Was she? Doesn’t pain have to be dealt with? Because not feeling it now, was just putting a dam up. They had to go through it and come out the other side. 

She wanted James to hurt her because… because… She was hurt and sex was never going to some purely happy thing anymore. It had been corrupted. People get past these things, but not all the way. There would still be times where she’d remember and it would have nothing to do with her partner at all. And she’s have to ride terror when she should be just be happy, when it should just feel good. Fuck it! Fuck it. She couldn’t do this anymore. James deserved someone better. She was a mess. But laughed. Was he better? Of course. But wasn’t she, too? She just wanted to help. That’s all she wanted. Change the world. Make it so that people didn’t need justice done after the fact, because she’d done something about it before it changed people, killed people. 

Allie got back up, groggily. She hadn’t moved, she realized, in a long time. Her head had a hard time holding itself up. Winding her way through the hallways back to the bed in the living room, she found it was empty. The kitchen. 

James sat at the table with a glass of water. 

“Hey…” Allie said softly.

“Hey…” James said, and took a long drink of water. 

Allie leaned on the countertop across from him. 

“I think we should do this a different way.” James looked at her, a soft yet solid stare. 

Allie’s stomach dropped. What had she done? “What do you mean by that?”

“Please don’t do that again…” 

Allie shook her head. “I’m sorry. I don’t think I’m dealing with this in a way that’s good.”

James nodded slightly. 

“Did you want to? Did you want to do all that with me?” Allie asked.

“Of course I wanted to…”

Allie blinked. She had to tell him, had to ask. “When I’m around people, I can make them feel things. Did I—Did I make you feel enough to—?”

James swallowed. “What are you saying?” He stood up and faced her.

“I wanted you to do it. All of it. I kept wondering if you were getting it, feeling it from me. What if all this is just me? Did I make you do those things to me?” Allie looked up. What was it true?

“Can you do that? You did that?” James looked at her with wide eyes.

She shrugged “I don’t know. I can make people feel what I feel. And whatever I wanted, you did. Right—?” 

“You were in my head?” James squinted at her, a pained expression on his face. 

“I don’t know. I’m not sure. I wasn’t trying. Just like in the morning, when I saw the chair, felt the..” Allie touched her head, she could feel the plates now. She looked at him. He didn’t seem to feel them. He wasn’t touching his head too. “I didn’t mean to. I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking you."

"If you thought I was doing something because you were making me do it, why did you keep going?” James asked. 

Allie looked around with the realization dawning on her. They had to see if she could really control him. How was that possible too? She didn’t want to sleep without him. “I don’t know how far apart we have to be to—” She didn't want to go to bed without him. 

“We should start sleeping separately now.” James nodded. 

All this time. Was she just making him do these things? She made him save her, follow her, take her to Steve, keep her safe? All this time HYDRA made him do things for them and now she was doing the same thing. What did they turn her into? HYDRA only opened all the doors. These things were already inside her. This was her all along.


	25. Prep Work

It was warm under the covers with James. Allie woke first, but they’d have to get up sooner rather than later since they weren’t alone in the house; which was gonna be for half the week now it seems. Training, then therapy with some shrink. Who was coming? It looked like it was everyone they knew or people associated with the Avengers and SHIELD. Patricia could come over but she was a medical doctor. Dr. Banner was a doctor, but not that kind of a doctor either. 

Allie turned her head to look at James. His this thick long hair cloaking his face from view, his arms around her waist, just under her breasts. She woke him by twisting in his arms slowly at first, then completely as he moaned awake.

“Morning, sleepy,” Allie teased. 

“Morning,” James pecked her on the side of her face. 

Allie went right for his lips. He tasted hot and salty from sleep. James pressed into her. Her eyes widened as she felt him half-hard on her thigh and stiffened. She wondered if he’d be expecting to continue what they hadn’t finished the night before. 

“Don’t freak out. That’s normal. Just every part waking up, I guess. Ready for round two?” And waggled his eyebrows. 

Allie looked at him concerned, “You mean—”

“I meant Robin Hood upstairs, who’s probably already outside or waiting for breakfast.” James licked her nose playfully, tickling Allie into a fit of giggles, before getting up, his erection already going down behind his pants. He walked to a dresser and grabbed another shirt to pull on. 

Allie glanced back at the bulge for a moment before gathering her underwear and the rest of her clothes from the floor. She pulled off James’ shirt and set it on the bed. She stole a look at James who was making his way back over, grinning. 

“You have no idea how much I wish he’d just leave. Maybe half a day early.” 

“Half a day?” Allie asked. 

“You can do a lot in half a day with me,” he grabbed her by the waist and bit her ear, tongue trailing around the lobe. All of it making Allie tingle with warmth. 

“We’ll be alone again soon enough,” Allie said.

James groaned against her back and sat on the bed. She dressed and they were headed out for more of the same. 

Clint was already in the living waiting for them. “You have five minutes for a short snack. I’ll be on the roof after I get that smoothie. See you out there.”

They all went to the kitchen. Clint went on up the stairs, drink in hand. Allie pointed to some bananas. They each grabbed one. 

“What is this exactly?” James asked looking at the fruit. “I know you used one yesterday but…”

Allie peered at him, confused. “It’s a banana, bro.”

“I think I remember them different.”

Allie shrugged. “These are the bananas I’ve always seen.”

James peeled the banana, bit into it, and chewed. “Yeah, this is different.”

They finished their fruit and ran around the house again. Once. Twice. Allie was happy she wasn't getting very winded, but they weren’t really pushing it. They used the sand balls again. There was another heaping bag to go through. But Clint suggested she try to throw it away from them before blowing it up, to save them all a shower. 

It took more tries than Allie wanted, but she got just frustrated and angry enough to blow it up again. Anger was a trigger too. She’d finished the whole bag of sand balls when Clint brought out and opened his case. He took out with bow and quiver full of arrows. 

“Are you as good as they say you are with those?” James asked with a smirk.

“Better.”

“How are you with a gun?” James asked. 

“I’m not at my best with a gun.” Clint leered. “OK, Allie, try aiming for the tip. We’ll see how you do with faster moving targets.”

Allie’s eyes popped open. It was sort of going to be like playing a ball game, a kind of with her powers now. It wouldn’t be too bad. 

Clint loaded his bow. “Ready?” he asked.

Allie shrugged. “Yeah. Should I say ‘pull?’”

He aimed a little higher than 90 degrees and pulled the arrow back. “If you want.”

Allie decided better on it. “Go!”

He loosed the arrow and Allie grabbed onto anger since it was more effective at a distance. And— poof! The arrow dropped to the ground. 

“Ready to see if you can beat my speed?” Clint lifted the bottom of the case to reveal the whole bottom filled with the same kind of arrows. 

Allie grew nervous seeing them all. “Already?” This would be going on a while, but they didn’t call it practice for nothing.

“Yeah. Loser makes lunch. Telling you now, I’m not much of a cook.” 

He pulled and Allie watched the arrows fly. Poof! Another arrow. Poof! They came fast, but Allie was getting used to just doing it at will. She wanted to beat him. Competitiveness grew in her. Her eyes found arrowheads in the air, her hands ready shaking from nerves alone. She loved blowing things up. 

Allie couldn't count how many arrows there were, but by the end she was grinning and dancing back and forth like a boxer in a ring, ready for more. 

“And thus ends our lesson this week.”

“Aww!” Allie frowned. “I’m ready. What do ya got? Rocks? Dynamite. Would that work? Or would that be dangerous? More sand balls!” 

Clint gave her a look. “Keep that energy up, when we start back up again next week.” He extended her hand and Allie watched him, relaxed. He patted her on her shoulder and smiled a bit. “Are you sure you want me to cook lunch for us?”

“She beat you fair and square, pal." James folded his arms. "Next week, how about you and me have a go at it? Maybe we’ll see who’s the better marksman.”

Clint reared his head back. “You’re on. What do I get when I win?”

“Cocky,” James grinned. 

“I guess we’ll find out how honest I am, soon enough.” Clint sighed. “Alright. We’re all gonna regret this. Let’s eat.” 

Clint made them ham sandwiches, which Allie actually liked from time to time. He even cut the crust off and cut them diagonally down the center and set one side atop another at an angle, like a fancy dinner plate for kids.

“For sandwiches this is pretty nice.” James said. He made them all Tang mimosas again and Allie made them all cups of coffee. 

After lunch, Clint handed Allie a stack of big thick books that Allie had to carry at her thighs, they were so heavy. “I expect you to do some reading. Should help you understand your powers better by reading about all the powers someone else can have out there. Maybe come up with ways your power could counteract them. Or not.” 

Clint grabbed a small back from behind the couch and slung it over his shoulder. 

“Thought you were staying two whole days, pal?” James asked.

“As much I’d love to third wheel the rest of the day with you two, I’d rather get back to my empty house.” Clint nodded his head.

Allie dropped her books on the mattress in the living room and went out the door after him, with James. “You have your ride already?”

“Called it when I woke up this morning. Doctor will be here for the both of you in the morning at 0900.” A white van pulled right up.

Allie furrowed a brow. “Here? It’s not a video call.”

“He’s a former SHIELD shrink. Close with Hill and some other agents. He’s clean.”

That didn’t sit right with Allie. 

Clint opened the door and settled inside quickly. He was off before Allie could wave. 

“He was sure in a hurry to get away from us,” James said. 

Allie was thinking about the doctor. He said the doctor was clean. But it left her uneasy. They’d been promised video calls, but someone was going to their house and it couldn’t be an Avenger, wouldn't be an Avenger. 

“They’re coming here?” James asked, sternly.

“I’m getting a bad feeling about this.” Allie frowned.

“Me too.”

“Can we trust our bad feelings? Or are we just being paranoid?” 

“We could call Hill.” James grumbled. “But if she knows him, she’s just gonna give them a solid recommendation.”

“Yeah.” Allie groaned and threw her hands out. “Now, I don’t know what to do!”

“I have an idea,” James said.

 

_______

 

Allie’s feet kept shaking as they looked around the estate from the roof. How did Clint do it? And James was right at home up here. He put his hand on her shoulder. “You doing alright there, doll?”

“I have a fear of heights. It comes and goes.”

“We know what time they’re coming tomorrow?”

“0900. Clint just said so.”

"Slipped my mind, I guess." James pointed out in the distance. There was a break in the trees all the way out, and half a mile of road visible through the trees. “That road. We can catch them. If they look wrong, we can hightail it outta here if we just watch for them. Or… ”

“Or?”

“We can leave now. Grab anything small that might be of value and get to Europe, find your friends or got after HYDRA ourselves and then disappear.”

Allie thought about it. If they were coming for them, if they would be coming, they wouldn’t have any idea what she’d be able to do. Who would they want more? James had the potential to out secrets, if he ever remembered them. 

“If you just left me here and—” Allie shrugged.

“Not happening.”

“But if—”

“I’m not going anywhere without you,” James pulled her close, half lifting her off the roof. Allie yelped, seeing the ground too far below them. 

“I got you. I won’t let you fall.” 

She could feel the smile in his voice, as she held onto James' metal arm. It’d probably be the sturdiest thing to hold on to. 

“Does it hurt to use your arm?” Allie asked. “Is this hurting you right now?” She looked up at him. 

James looked taken aback for a moment and thought. “For normal things, not really. Using it for car doors or punching something hard? Yeah. But I’m used to it already. Why’d you ask?”

Allie shook her head. “When I first saw it, it looks… I caught a bit of what it felt like…”

“With your power?” James clarified. 

Allie nodded. “I could even smell it when they were putting it on you,” she shuddered. “It’s like, ‘on’ your skin.”

“Let’s not talk about my arm anymore.”

“Like, ever?”

“Right now. This week, maybe.” He looked around the roof, the sun was high but it wasn’t hot, not for January. This was the warmest winter the east coast had had in a while. And for that Allie was pretty thankful. California weather spoiled her for way too long. “So, are we leaving now?”

“Uh…” Allie concentrated hard on the doctor. She didn’t have anything to go on. She focused on tomorrow, on meeting a… A man. In a lab coat. Allie opened her eyes. No, why would he be wearing a lab coat. He felt cold, he was bad, with glasses and a thick bristly mustache. No! That wasn’t right. He looked like Grandpa Lou from “Rugrats.” That wasn’t right. She groaned in frustration. Leave or not leave?

“What?”

“OK, say they do come. You could take them all out with almost no problem.”

“Depends on how many, but a vanful. Yeah.”

“I’m not completely defenseless myself either.”

“No. OK, we take everything that can fetch price, divide it up into two bags and leave it…” He spun them around to face north. “And put it in that house. We watch for them in the morning, or wait…”

“And if it’s bad, we dip.”

James squinted at her, “Uh, dip?”

“Leave. Skedaddle.”

“More modern slang. I’ll fit right in soon enough.” James made a face.

“Sounds like a plan, Stan.”

“Is that another name for me?” James asked. 

“It’s just a saying,” Allie shook her head with a smile. “I’ll get you a book that’ll help you out, buddy.” She peered down and sighed deep. “Between you and me, I’m gonna say you’re gonna get back down in the best and most graceful way. So I’m opting to hold onto you while you get us down.”

“Sounds like a plan, Stan,” James smirked. 

Allie faced his back and he helped her up. “But before we go, can you say one thing? I am not missing this chance.”

James turned his head. 

“Say ‘you’d better hang on tight spider-monkey.’ But with conviction.” Allie hooked her arms around his chest as best she could.

James just looked confused. “You’d better hang on tight spider-monkey?” And jumped. 

“Oh, shit!” Allie yelled, heart jumping in her throat. They the ground with a thud. Allie was shaken but upright and unscathed. James set her down. He walked as Allie staggered behind him, back into the house. 

 

____

 

“Bro, I think it’s time you know I don’t have a wealth of recipes in my head so I can’t cook you a different meal, for every meal, for every day. I know we already had my chicken twice—”

James chuckled, “I don’t expect you to be a housewife from—”

“Your time? If you remember that sort of thing yet.”

“Some’s coming back. Just what things used to look like, smells, tastes. Speaking of taste. I think I got a solution. Can you boil some chicken?” James laughed at what Allie assumed was her own horrified expression. 

“Sure?” James went through cupboards and the fridge. He started his own pot of water to boil, as Allie prepared the chicken, and boiled potatoes. He cut them up pretty well. He was really handy with a knife. 

Allie brought over the chicken when it was done. He pulled the chicken apart, folding it with the potato, some mayonnaise, and relish. He was making chicken potato salad. 

“I remembered something. It was my mother’s recipe. I just added chicken for protein.”

Allie grinned and sat up on her heels in her chair. “I actually love potato salad!” She grabbed him by the collar and smashed her lips against his. “You can cook.”

“So far I’ve made potato salad and macaroni and cheese. I don’t think—”

“Just take the win. Take the win.”

Allie smiled as his metal fingers clanged against the fork. They ate in mostly silence, she eventually put her feet up in James’ lap. 

Afterwards, they each emptied a black bag. It was interesting putting the box of condoms that were tucked on the bottom of each bag, on the floor by the table in the living room. They went around the house, picking up things that were made from gold or crystal. Allie grabbed a curtain and cut up strips to wrap the valuables in. They wouldn’t need a lot James’ said. Hopefully they’d happen upon some cars or a rich enough neighborhood, find gold or just money. Just enough to get to Europe. The house didn’t have that much but it was better than nothing. James had done the same thing, wrapped his goods in strips of bedsheets. They went over to the small house together just in case they had to go separately. The sun was just about to set. They hid their bags in a cupboard, near a small iron stove. Why the hell would Tony have something like this?

They headed back. Allie gasped and grabbed James’ arm. “I forgot about the lamb! Fuck!” Allie bolted back to the house. James watched Allie scramble to the fridge. 

“That was the fastest I've ever see you run!" He looked at her run around the kitchen. "You need help? I feel like taking a shower though. But, it can wait.”

“Go ahead,” Allie didn’t even look up. Was the meat OK? She preheated the oven and then quickly poured the milk out of the bowl and rinsed it off. She peeled the carrots and opened a bottle of beer. Combining all the ingredients and some tomato paste till it boiled, she then tossed in potatoes and put the whole thing in the oven.

“Smells good.”

“Favorite recipe. I’m taking a bath, too.” Allie rushed off, before James could say another word. 

It was a quick shower, she was concerned about it getting too done, even though the oven was set for forty minutes. And she’d only be away for thirty. She had time. But she still worried. 

Since Clint was gone, she forgoed all underwear and only left on sweats and picked up one of James’ new shirts. 

They ate in the living room mattress again. Allie downloaded “The Shop Around the Corner.” She remembered the time she and Sandy watched it together. She didn’t much care for it. James was quiet the whole way through. Allie wondered if he’d seen this before but she liked it too much to start talking, especially if he seemed too enthralled to talk. 

“That was a real swell yarn, Allie.” There was a really slight Brooklyn lilt to the way he spoke now.

Allie looked at him surprised, “Whoa, pal!” And slapped his chest with the back of her hand. Jog anything for you there, memory-wise?”

For a moment, James looked young again and grinned as wide as she’d ever seen him. He pecked her on the cheek. And stayed leaned onto her, planting a kiss to her lips. He was laying on top of her, still a want in his eyes but there was more playfulness to it. All of it making Allie feel more comfortable. She pulled his shirt off. He did the same to her, stopping a moment when he realized she wasn’t wearing any underwear. They might actually be doing this so Allie thought ahead. “Hold on,” she said and went on to the side of the floor with the box of condoms and snagged one. She held it up. “We might need this, I think.”

“Sure thing, doll.” The accent was still there. And it was definitely turning her on. 

He pulled at waistband of her sweats, Allie pushed them down. James pulled them off from the hem. He took his own off right after her and grabbed the backs of her thighs to him. “You tell me to stop, I stop.”

Allie nodded. He dipped his head and traced his tongue along her slit, dipping it inside a few times before finding her clit. At this point Allie was panting, moaning, balling the blanket that had fallen off the bed in her hands. 

He lifted his head up. “I wanna try something. My hands.”

Allie nodded. Whatever he was doing was great. She was riding every wave of pleasure he was giving her, she couldn’t really think. 

He traced his flesh hand up her thigh and dipped one finger into her. 

Allie stopped moving for a moment. 

James leveled his head with hers and kissed her. “It’s me.” 

Allie nodded and stared into his eyes. James took that as a sign to smile and pushed his finger deeper, never losing eye contact. A moan left Allie’s lips, after he hit a spot. James continued and slipped in another finger. He kept hitting something that had her toes curling. 

“You ready to try something else, doll?”

“Mmm-hmm…” She looked down at his hard length. She swallowed and tried to focus. This was his dick that was going to go inside her because she wanted him to. He opened the square package and rolled on the condom. She was still worried it was going to hurt again. She saw a flash and felt Rumlow fucking her. Her breathing picked up, her eyes trained back up to the ceiling. 

“Allie,” he put his metal hand on her shoulder. Rumlow was gone. This was James. 

She looked back at him. “Kiss me, just keep kissing me.” She focused on his metal hand on the small of her back. Looking down, she moved till the tip of him was right at her entrance. “Just keep kissing me, James.”

She felt it for a moment as he slowly pushed in, kissing her the entire time. It was James. No one else.

He looked in her eyes and smiled. She grinned right back, relaxing. All she did was feel big, there was a bit of the familiar stinging to it, but it felt different having the condom on. “I’m gonna start moving now,” James swallowed.

Allie nodded. He made small movements, pushing in and out, in and out. Some parts felt OK, some parts hurt. 

“How does it feel?”

Allie tried to smile and just nodded. 

“Am I hurting you?”

She bit her lip. It did, but it was just nice having him inside her. She wanted it this time. She wanted him. 

“Do you want me to stop?”

“I don’t know,” Allie shook her head. 

James started to pull back, but Allie grabbed him back.

“Faster. Go faster.”

“But if I’m hurting you—”

Allie shook her head, “Just try it.”

James kissed her on the lips and looked into her eyes as he began to fuck her faster before he shut his eyes, panting. Allie held her breath until the pain finally subsided and gave way to a wave of heat coming over her. Her toes curled like before, moans were coming faster and faster, James hitting a spot, his groans adding to it all. Then everything stopped within her. Hot, white, blank. 

James’ back had grown cold with sweat. He opened his eyes one more time. “How are you?” he grinned, speaking with a pant.

Allie smiled and leaned back. She rubbed his arms and sighed. 

“Did you—” James asked.

“I think you did.” Allie shrugged. “But I, I felt really good.”

James nodded with a chuckle. “Alight, alright. I’ll take the win.”

They laughed together. James rolled off and took the condom off. He came back with a small towel. 

“I’m kinda allergic to that sort of towel.”

He looked too serious. “Just a bit. Just for a sec. I’ll do it.” He was looking down at something. And wiped her between her legs. The towel came away with some blood. 

Allie was confused. She’d already had sex, sort of. Twice. Why was there still blood now?

“Please don’t freak out.” He wiped until there was no more blood on her.

She cocked her head. “But, I already…”

“It’s still flesh. It doesn't matter.” He threw the towel on the couch. “Allie, if I was hurting you…”

Allie grabbed his hand, making him look back at her. “At first you were, but then it started to feel really good. I swear. It felt good.” Allie pulled him back to her. They slept on their sides together. Sex could feel good. Sex felt good. She had had sex for the first time. And James. James. She thumbed his inner forearm until she fell asleep.

In her dreams, it was dark and cold. Allie was falling through the air. Someone was speaking in a language she didn’t understand. She was falling over and over again. Each second she could feel snow coming up to meet her, the ground, but she just kept right on falling. She screamed, untill finally she was fully awake, hearing Maria Hill, somewhere in her head, saying "Sputnik" over and over again.


	26. Welcome

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was already starting this chapter and then I was doing laundry and then finished it. Whoops? 
> 
> I was also trying real hard to avoid writing Tony Stark.

It was the monitors that woke Allie first. Her foot twitched and she could feel someone next to her. She shot straight up and began to panic before she noticed Steve was beside her. 

“It’s alright, Allie. It’s OK.”

Allie huffed and looked around. The bed was almost like a normal hospital bed, except it was larger, had nicer sheets and the blankets were thick and pretty. 

“I’ll go get the doctor,” Steve patted the bed beside Allie and got up. 

There were some flowers and yellow balloons. She wanted to laugh. It was like she was sick. But that’s not what happened. She didn’t even know what was actually real or what was a hallucination. Bits and pieces for sure. She hoped to god they didn’t make him rape her. That couldn't have possibly been real. Why would they have him do that anyway? Maybe that part with Steve's rescue wasn't even remembered all that well. Allie squirmed to make sure and winced at the proof. It was real. She would make them all pay for this shit. 

Steve walked in with Patricia. What did she see when she looked at Allie now? Was it someone completely different? Different from that other time everything changed. The same fucking shit all over again.

“Allie. How are you feeling?” Patricia asked, a chart in her hand and a pen in the other. She was in full-on doctor mode. Allie smiled. 

“Confused. And pissed off,” Allie frowned. She fingered the little square pieces in her blanket, the small little forget-me-nots patterns over the whole blanket. 

Patricia nodded somberly. “Yes.” And produced two small vials from her lab coat. One purple and one blue. 

Allie studied them. 

“We have reason to believe you were injected with these substances.”

Allie shrugged. “Yeah, probably. Now what?”

Patricia sighed. “Well, one is a very strong mood-regulator mixed with something like ketamine.”

Allie shook her head. “Like Ketamine?”

Patricia nodded. “It’s been engineered. I’ve never seen this specific form before. And the other appears to be serum.” She glanced over at Steve. 

“So they pumped her full of drugs?” Steve said, his jaw clenched. “And wanted to turn her into a super-soldier?”

“It was meant to enhance my gifts. The mood-regulator was to make sure I didn’t kill myself or anyone else there.” She held her hands out. "With my powers."

Steve stared at Allie pointedly. 

Patricia looked away and cleared her throat. 

“I’d imagine I could probably level this building right now. If I wanted. But why would I do that?” she grinned. 

“Allie,” Steve said, reaching out a hand and putting it immediately back down. 

Allie lay back on her pillows. “Can someone get me some painkillers please?”

“Are you in pain, Allie?” Steve asked, concern in his eyes. She hated it. She didn’t need his concern. Wasn't it actually just pity?

“It doesn’t matter, I just want it,” she shook her head. 

Steve nodded to Patricia. “Normal drugs might not work—” 

Allie waved her hands out. “Well great, what can I get in the mean time? Can Thor knock me out with his special hammer.” Allie thought, squinting. "Thor was there right? Or did I imagine that too?"

“Whatever’s bothering you, you’ll heal up in no time,” Steve smiled and tapped on the railing. “That’s a perk. And I don’t think you’ll be needing to keep track of all your allergies anymore.”

Allie looked down at her hands, chuckling. She could eat anything she wanted now. But that all paled in comparison with what did and didn’t happen. What if everything she’d experienced in her mind was actually true? She was raped for sure. That pain didn’t come from no where. Why did they make James do it? Oh but now, if she could eat peanut butter sandwiches and drink and not be merry from piña coladas, then everything was all right with the world wasn't it? She could just go on carrying everything that happened, everything they did and not give more than two shits about it because she could fucking eat whatever the hell she wanted now. And James... Swallowing hard, she looked at Steve. “Where is he?”

Steve looked down. “The doctors are looking at him, got hit in the head pretty hard.”

“By Thor,” Allie smirked remembering the image of him flying across the room. “But he’s—?”

“He’s awake now. You can see him if—”

Allie touched Steve’s hand for a moment. “No. Don’t.” Perhaps he was the only one that would know, if he’d remember, if he’d tell her. 

“Steve, will you excuse us? I have more private things to speak with Allie about,” Patricia nodded at the door once. 

Allie’s stomach twitched, anticipating the wonderful conversation that was about to ensue. 

“Are you leaving, Steve? Like leaving-leaving?” Allie asked, tears welling in her eyes. 

“No. We live here.”

Allie squinted, trying to understand. She looked out the window and saw only clouds and trees in the distance. “Where is ‘here?’”

“You’re in the Avengers complex,” Patrica offered. 

Allie blinked in utter shock. They were in the best place possible. Surrounded by heroes. Safe. “I’m finally here.” She rose up again. “I want to see everything. Will I meet Tony Stark? And Thor? And Dr. Bruce Banner?”

“Soon enough. They can come by if you like,” Steve grinned, tapping the doorway. 

“Actually, as soon as we’re done here and take care of a few pesky details, we can move Allie to her room and you all can visit her there,” Patricia said, laying her chart on the medical cabinet. 

“Look at that, we’ve got you moved in already,” Steve waggled his eyebrows, making Allie giggle. “See you, Al.”

“Yeah,” Allie nodded. Was she supposed to be excited? Happy? Sad? Angry? She was happy to finally be back around Steve and meet the Avengers and live with them. Sam too! But after everything was there a point? Yes, there was. Destroy HYDRA. She fully could this time. And live the happiest life she could all the while helping people. Not with her small balls and sand or whatever, but she could blow up bigger things now. No more trying, she was already there. A part of her wanted to try it out for real. Here, she could. Honestly with all the potential power she could be packing, she really could level this place no fucking problem—No. No, not this place. She had to stop herself from thinking that way. It was her pain talking. It was too soon. Or was it?

Patricia went over to the one side and sat in a swivel-chair then sat-walk over to Allie. It was funny to see doctors do that. It made Allie smile. 

“Let’s get this over with,” Allie shrugged. 

“Allie, you were brought in unconscious with multiple contusions.”

“Oh, really?” Allie rolled her eyes. Couldn't they just not go over this? 

“I found some on your back and forgive me, I examined you further and—”

“Just tell me. I already know. I was there, sort of,” Allie shrugged.

“It appears you were sexually assaulted.”

“Again!” Allie shook her fist. “Ding, ding, ding! Pat tell her what prize she’s won!” she said in a mock game-show announcer voice.

“Allie,” Patrica chided. 

Allie pulled up her legs and leaned on her side. “What are you going to tell me that I already don’t know? Give me the pills and the tests and send me on my merry way.”

“We don’t know if the pills will have any effect on you. There has never been a pregnancy with this combination before. The serum—”

Allie sobered. Maybe they were planning this differently. “OK, then we should probably tell the father as soon as possible.” Allie sighed and pressed her hands to her face. She heard a box scraping against cloth and saw Patrica putting the Plan B box on the bed.

“I’ll come back in a few weeks and we’ll administer the pregnancy test.”

Allie looked back out the window. “I know I’m being difficult, I’m sorry. But thank you for everything, Patricia. When this all gets better and I hope to god it does." She was full on laughing now, it was so ridiculous to think things could get better from here. But she kept on with her thoughts. "I’ll make it up to you. I don’t want to say what and make promises I can’t keep but,” she looked over to her, “I want to do something fun. I think we deserve it, right?” If Allie ever got to that point.

Patricia smiled, sadness in her eyes. She was probably thinking of Sandy. Allie knew they owed their own happiness to Sandy in a way. Patricia nodded. “They’ll give you my number if you need it. Call anytime, if you need to talk to me or I can get you to see someone more qualified.”

Allie nodded. “I give you permission to tell him.” She looked straight, swallowing the lump in her throat. “Tell him I don’t want to see him. Tell him, I don’t blame him or hate him, but I don’t want to see him. OK?”

“I will.” 

When Allie looked at the door next, Patricia was gone. 

So, she might be pregnant soon. They would have gotten two birds with one stone. The mother and some sort of super-soldier baby with possible psychic abilities. The dream. Allie laughed. That’s exactly it. Cheese and crackers! What about James? Did he remember? Yes, he wasn’t in control but that didn’t matter. They took that too, it seemed. Allie looked at her hands. They were her hands. But this wasn’t the Allie from a year ago anymore or even a week ago. Allie as she was, was dead. She thought of just grabbing scissors that were probably in one of the cabinets like in all hospitals and cut into her wrists, but what good would that do? What good would that do to her or anyone?

“Knock-knock,” said an unfamiliar male voice. 

Allie clenched her fists and turned to see a goateed sharply dressed man walking into her room. Had he come from a business meeting or—

“Just wanted to meet out new resident,” he smiled under orange-tinted glasses. 

Allie’s jaw dropped. As Tony walked closer, Allie could hear a cacophony buzzing around her head pressing and squeezing until it was hard to concentrate. "Fuc—"

Tony Stark raised his finger “Uh, as much as I appreciate a woman with a potty-mouth, I have a rather hectic schedule.”

Allie grabbed her now aching head. “Is this what it feels like to be you?” She groaned. 

“You can feel feel me? I mean we just met.” Tony looked perplexed. 

“I can feel your thoughts. In your head. It’s like a freeway with all the cars blasting different radio stations all at once. Gah!” Allie pressed the heel of her palm to her temple. “Please don’t come any closer.” Tony stopped. "Could you move away? I'm sorry, I just can't think."

She could faintly see Tony walk backwards in the nicest pair of Oxfords she’d ever seen. She could smell the quality from across the room now. And he was finally just behind the door. 

“Usually, people just tell me they don’t like me to my face—”

Allie sighed. The ache in her head lingered but it was much quieter. “I really am sorry. Thank you so much, Mr. Stark.”

“Please don’t call me that. Just Tony.”

Allie thought of the joke and opened her mouth.

“And don’t make the joke I know’s already in your head. I’ve heard that joke a million times before.”

Allie suppressed a giggle. 

“Once you’re off this floor go on down to the 5th floor. When you’re there, JARVIS will assist you.”

Allie’s eyes widened. This was amazing. “Are you sure this is OK? You don’t even know me.”

“Trust me. The way Steve talks about you, I feel like I already do. So, Miss Kershaw...”

“Allie.” It felt weird to say. 

“Yeah, Allie. So you can blow things up? And hear thoughts?”

“I’m supposed to be psychic and now I think I’m more psychic than before but it’s a tactile power.”

“So you’d have to touch someone first?”

“Someone, something. Be in a specific place,” Allie shrugged. 

“Good to know. Uh, don’t touch me. And you’re very welcome here. Any friend of Steve’s is a friend of mine.”

“Thank you so much, Tony Stark.”

“Just Tony.”

“Just Tony,” Allie snickered. 

“On second thought, get out. I rescind my invitation to you.”

Allie full on laughed. He was great. 

“Don’t think I’m not serious.” Then for a moment it seemed like he left. “Welcome aboard, kid. We’re happy to have you.” He dipped his hand back in sight and waved. 

 

______

 

A young woman in a business skirt suit walked in, eyeing Allie before setting some clothes on the bed. 

“Hi?” Allie said, greeting her. 

She looked at Allie again and tiptoed away. Allie leaned over on all fours, and got a flash of her again in that dark room with James. She sat quickly on her legs and examined the clothes, hoping for no more sweats. She focused hard on the threading, the soft fabric and found they had given her an oversized teal sweater. A thin black shirt, plain black underwear, and thankfully, jeans and thick socks. No shoes. 

Allie put her clothes on and wondered if James got new clothes too, and where he’d be staying. Did Patricia already tell him? Was he on his way to her now even though she expressly told him not to do so? She’d be fucking pissed as hell if he fucking did. 

She walked down the clean white halls to the elevator. She pressed the button to call for it and soon after, it opened. Was it like a SHIELD elevator?

“Fifth floor,” Allie said to the elevator.

“Good afternoon, Miss Kershaw.”

Allie screamed, startled by JARVIS’ voice. “Holy shit on a fucking cracker!”

“I’m so sorry to have startled you, Miss Kershaw.”

Allie clutched her chest, in an attempt to catch her breath. “It’s no problem?” It was strange talking to an AI that talked back and seemed so much like a person. She cleared her throat. “It’s totally cool, JARVIS.”

The doors opened again. 

“Your room is the third one on the left. Master Stark has provided you with gift basket to put the term loosely.” Allie opened the door and peered in her new accommodations. “Although I helped compile everything using your internet profiles and the like.”

Allie eyed the kitchenette, marble countertop with an actual basket of pineapples, and bottles of Malibu rum and special Jameson bottles. Allie chuckled. In the basket was a fancy black cell phone, tablet, and a sleek black wallet with an updated New York ID and a black credit card. Holy shit face, Tony Stark had no idea what he’d done. Allie grinned and cackled. She would buy a rabbit fur coat, and a mink one and get one of those Russian fur hats for the very cold winter they weren’t having. But shit, she could if she wanted to. 

James. “James.”

“Would you like me to summon Sergeant Barnes to your room?”

Allie started again, hand on her chest. “I don’t know how I’m going to get used to this. You’re great though, bro. Just…” Allie sighed. 

“Is there a way I can make the transition easier for you?”

Allie thought. “This sounds wrong but, could you not talk unless I actually call you by your name, especially since I can’t see you?” 

Something whirred and light flickered from the ceiling. A hologram of an older gentleman appeared to speak with JARVIS' voice. “If you like, I can project an image at the door and have the hologram come in or I can simply protect him into the room. I could also—”

“The door hologram thing is good, along with the expressly addressing you, if that’s alright? I don’t want to be weird.”

“It is no trouble at all, Miss.” 

Allie nodded. 

“Would you like me to summon Sergeant Barnes to your room?”

“No. No.” Allie shook her head. “How is he? Where is he? No, don’t answer that, JARVIS. I’m sorry.” Allie groaned. “Is he doing alright here?”

“He seems to be adjusting to his quarters adjacent to Captain Rogers’.”

Allie smiled, knowing they were together again. Even if he didn’t have the old Bucky back, Steve still had him. “Thank you, JARVIS. That's all I wanted to know.”

She found the chunky peanut butter. And then opened a bottle of special Jameson that she had now taken to drinking like a bottle of water, while she ate chocolate chip cookies. She laid on layer after layer of the peanut butter on the stuff, and ate it out of the jar with a spoon, squirting some chocolate sauce right into the jar itself. God she hoped she wasn’t going to be pregnant. Not like that. Could she stand to see him?

Allie drank the rest of the bottle. It felt like she just drank a bottle of beer. So, hers wasn’t exactly like Steve’s. She could eventually get drunk. She’d try a higher proof then. Later. “JARVIS is James with Steve? Is there a way I can see him for a second without—”

“You wish to snoop on him?”

Allie shirked with guilt. “Yes, please?”

Something blooped and an image appeared. James was on a couch clutching his hands talking to Steve. He looked sad. She hoped for his sake he didn’t remember any of it. But from the way he was talking, it didn't look like it. "That will be all, JARVIS." And the hologram disappeared. 

Allie thought of the rest of the Avengers. She had wanted to meet them all, but now that she was full of sugar and liquor, it was time for rest, if it would have her. She found a drawer full of clothes that were all to her taste, pajamas, nightgowns, socks, underwear, jeans, dresses, skirts, coats. And there on the closet top shelf were three hat boxes. There was a nice burgundy cloche hat inside one. She was ecstatic to find one of those Russian fur hats in another. And in the last box, three different kinds of newsboy hats. 

Allie drank a bottle Grey Goose after dressing in thick, soft, pink socks and light blue pinstripe flannel pajamas. And went to pee. She lay in bed staring up at the ceiling. “JARVIS if Steve is awake, can you tell him to come over?”

“I can see that he is. He’ll be over as soon as he can.”

Allie got up and sat on the couch to wait, after peeing again. Then after a few minutes, she peed again. 

There was a knock at the door. “Allie?” 

She got up and opened the door. “Let’s sit.” Steve looked around. Allie sat in the middle of the couch and tucked her legs underneath her, patting the seat in front of her knees. “Here. Please?”

“How are you doing?” She saw it wasn’t pity in his eyes. He just cared about his friend. Same as he would anyone. 

“Better than I thought.” She gestured to the ransacked basket of goodies, the pineapples were all on the counter untouched though. “Food helped. A lot.”

“Did you get your first taste of peanut butter?”

Allie nodded enthusiastically and grabbed his arm. “Now I know what I was missing out on. And now I can hustle guys at the bar at drinking,” Allie smirked, chuckling and leaned in to wrap her arms around Steve, who hesitantly hugged her before squeezing her right back. “I missed you, Steve.”

“I missed you too, Allie.”

“Thank you, for saving us.” Allie wondered. “How did you get to us?”

“Turns out, there were cameras all over that complex. We got to New Haven next, the seaport. It wasn't hard to track—”

Allie’s eyes widened. “The complex? The house? Inside the house? Or just—”

“Outside. The house. What are you—?” Steve smirked. 

“Nothing. Nothing,” Allie shook her head and hands furiously at Steve. She leaned on his chest. He held her to him stroking her arm. It felt nice. She sniffed. He smelled like fabric softener, but it was different. She was so glad he smelled like Steve. “How is he doing?”

“He notices what’s different. He noticed bread this afternoon. But I don’t think he knows all the places we went to or the things we did. But…”

Allie shut her eyes and saw James gesturing, his arms out. She could her his voice muffled, but clear all the same. Steve was there. Everything was black and white and sepia-toned in her head: 

“She does’t need me here after what I did to her.” 

“You remember what you did?”

“I hurt her. You couldn’t possibly want me to stay.”

“She doesn’t hate you. Patricia said so herself." 

"Does she even know I killed her wife?”

“That wasn’t you, Buck.” 

“But I still did it. They’re still dead. Allie doesn’t even want to see me.”

“Do you want to see her?”

“I don’t know how I could even stand to be in the same room as her.” 

Allie shook her head and everything fell away from her mind’s eye. It was just her and Steve in her new room again. Guilt welled in her and spilled down her cheeks. She wiped her eyes on the heels of her palms, then on Steve’s shirt. 

“Hey, hey… Shh… What’s going on here?” Steve said, stroking her back. 

Allie smiled. Steve was back here with her for good. With her when she was crying all the same again, but these weren't really her tears. She felt just how horrible James felt for what they made him do to her. She knew it wasn't his fault, but it still felt good that he felt bad about doing it. She gave him her piece, the rest was up to him and her when she was up to seeing him again, whatever they could be at this point. “Will you stay with me, please?” 

Steve spoke softly. “JARVIS let Bucky know I’m staying at Allie’s tonight.”

“Yes, Captain Rogers.” 

Allie leaned her head on his lap. ”We can go to the room if you’d like—“

“No, no. This is fine, Allie. JARVIS?” Allie momentarily heard the whirring of something, the door opening. The whirring came closer and she felt Steve reach up and laid a blanket over Allie. She looked up to find a bot flying back out the door, the door closing again. Steve moved his hand over the arm rest and something in the couch pushed his legs up. Ah, the one side reclined. Allie was happy Steve would be comfortable staying over for the night. Would James be jealous? She hoped not. She had hoped he wouldn’t remember. But he did. She hoped he wouldn't feel jealous. She'd find out soon enough. 

“Steve?”

“Mmm?” 

“How do you know everything’s going to be okay, even when everything has changed?”

“Things change for the better or worse. That’s what we fight for, but nothing is ever the same for long anyway. Even when things get better, they get get worse. Even when things get worse, they can always get better.“ Steve yawned. “Just like a river, it…” 

“Mmm…” Allie was imagining the stream. Orange leaves dancing, swirling, across the top of the water. The stream was always changing, freezing in winter and melting again. But the water that flowed never stayed in the same place, because stagnancy went against the nature of the river itself. If she got better with James and with Sam before. She could do it again, with Steve, with Pat and everyone else she still had a chance to meet. She could do it again. It might be harder than before, but she had more help this time, more people to talk to. She would fucking keep trying. Wake up every day even though she couldn’t for the moment imagine a life with James as they’d had for that one week in the Catskills. James would still be around and safe and so he could have a chance to be happy too. So could all of them. That's all that mattered. Even if ‘they’ might not have a chance to back from it. Who knows? Maybe they’d forgive themselves. No, it wasn’t their fault, but that didn’t stop either of them from feeling the guilt and the shame over things they couldn’t stop. Yes, it was going to be hard. But it was going to be worth it in the end, wasn't it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tony Stark is staying. Everybody is staying. I'm excited for Thor. He's fun. And we need that around here. 
> 
> *sighs*
> 
> Oh, good. Sam! :D


	27. Pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter might be going up very late tonight...
> 
> Maybe.

Once Steve left, the next day was spent largely in her own unit, watching movies and eating even more peanut butter. Allie had taken to drinking beer just because and wondered what else her body could do. She asked JARVIS about James again, with no video just to see how he was doing. Today he spent it alone in his own place after morning with the doctors again, while Steve made an attempt to talk to him, but James preferred to be left alone. He spent the day drinking vodka and laying on his couch. It wasn’t his fault, but she couldn’t help the flashes in her head, the pain that bloomed within her whenever she leaned over or lay right on her back. Not because she was in any more pain; she just remembered. Allie’d eat, watch TV, anything she wanted really, all she had to do was ask JARVIS for it, and sleep. She felt tired even though she knew she wasn't really capable of feeling exhausted from a lounging day. Every so often her back felt cold, like she was on that cement floor again. She’d shake her head and see James’ dead eyes while he was on her. The flashes came out of no where. Even while she was watching commercials with family feasts and puppies, boom, there it was. She felt it. She felt him, hot skin scraping inside her. When she felt the hum she’d run to a hard cold surface, or rake her fingers through the soft carpet on the ground to pull her back out of her head. She was not gonna blow up her own place, especially since it was Tony Stark’s place he’d opened up to her. Allie focused on her breath and tried to picture a smiling Steve, then food, and then she was alright again. Among the other things she gained from her own special serum was more control. She could stop herself now thankfully, and she was fast enough to try. 

What else could this body do? How fast could it heal? Allie turned on the shower then stopped. She felt up on her face to take off her glasses and found there was noting there and yet she could see as clear as day. It fixed her eyesight too. Duh! She could take her sweet time with her bath. As she dipped in the arm water, her shoulder twitched twice. Her mind flickered to the last night she had with James. The way he'd grinned when he was with her. His hands on her skin. How would they get past this? Could they even do that? She could think about it all she wanted but there was what she wanted, or what he wanted and it just felt fucking impossible especially if she didn't want to be in the same room as someone who was sort of her boyfriend. He was with the doctors again. What were they doing with him? What were those Russian words the doctor said? After they put him in the ECT machine, he spoke those words and James said something back. And then he did whatever sick thing the doctor told him to do.

She lay back and dipped her head under the water. Opening her eyes, she kept her breath held and waited until she needed more air. Her head grew light, but she held on. Then she felt panic and lifted herself out of the water, choking on the water burning in her nose. That was the same. She coughed a few more times and smiled, started to laugh. She got it in her head and dried herself off, walking out stark naked, to the kitchen and grabbed a knife. She held the tip right in her palm and swiped the blade across. She gasped at the welcome sting, grinning at the blood in her hand. She stretched her fingers, the pain of the fresh wound rising as she moved it. It was horribly good. What else could this body do? 

There was a knock. “Miss Allie, Steve is requesting an audience with you. It appears that there will be a meeting tomorrow morning.”

Allie was naked. Did JARVIS see her do that? “Yeah, sure. Tell him he can come over.” She ran to the dresser and put on jeans and a long sleeve t-shirt. She put on some winter gloves to cover her hand. She shoved a few layers of tissue paper underneath to sop up the blood. And sat on the couch. "JARVIS, what did you see?"

Silence. 

"JARVIS, you tell no one what I do in my own room. Got that?"

“Allie, it's Steve." 

At that, Allie jumped up to open the door.

"I know you didn’t want to be disturbed today—”

Allie shrugged, attention mostly on her hand. Would he say something? Would he notice? She shoved her hand in her jean pocket and went back to the couch. “It’s fine. So, we have, uh, a uh, meeting tomorrow?”

Steve looked down and sat on the couch with her. Perhaps he had had some conversations that were not so pleasant. Possibly even with James. “The meeting tomorrow. Can he come?”  


Allie struggled to keep a chuckle down. She knew that he could, in fact, 'come'. Her stomach clenched with all the good and horrific images and sensations that conjured up because her life was awesome. She pondered the question. He was still a part of everything. It would be strange to keep him away from everyone else on account of her being too overly dramatic over it all. She shouldn’t care so much. She had felt his guilt and yet a part of her was still fucking pissed. Why? She kept her gaze down, shrugging. “It would not make sense to leave him out on account of me.”

“He offered to sit it out, if it made you uncomfortable,” Steve said, clearing his throat. 

Her heart sunk a little. “Oh, how thoughtful of him.” She shook her head. “Of course, he should be there.” She felt the hum within her and grabbed the remote control on the coffee table. She fingered the grooves between the buttons, concentrated on the difference in textures between the hard plastic and the suede-feel of the buttons. Calm. Calm. Stay calm.

“We’ve been looking for the rest of the HYDRA facilities. Everything in the info-dump was right. But it looks like they got out of all the bases as soon as everyone found out. Fury’s been looking in Europe but he keeps finding regular old-Nazi bases along with the abandoned HYDRA ones.”

Allie snapped her fingers. “Oh, those darn, Nazis.” She teased, then looked up and found Steve’s sad puppy eyes looking straight into hers. They tugged at her heart. Were they for her or his friend? “Please don’t give me that face.”

“I can’t apologize for what he—“

“Then don’t. I get it. I just can’t forget it. And I think about him all the time. I don’t want him to feel horrible. I saw and felt a conversation you guys had when we hugged right here on this couch the other night.” She let out a huff. “His guilt is like a boulder on my back. I didn’t mean to peep. It just happened, OK! I fucking hate this!” Allie sighed. Her voice barely above a whisper, "I miss him."

Steve’s eyes went to her hands. “Wearing gloves indoors?

Allie instinctively pulled them to her chest and clasped them together. “A bit cold. And they’re really nice gloves.” She held one out to admire it, wrangling her fingers for effect. She was stupid to cut herself it. It was dumb. Why hurt herself? Because it strangely felt good. Not good, it made her feel better. 

“Dinner is soon. He doesn’t have to be there if you don’t—”

Allie grasped his hands, “Stop it. I don’t really feel like it anyhow. I have snacks here. Y’all have dinner together.”

"If you're sure about it," Steve nodded and got up. "You should eat something more substantial than more jars of peanut butter."

Allie smirked, for his benefit, for show. “Steve, make him feel better, OK?”

“I’m trying. He’s just—”

Allie could fix it. She could touch James and fix it, take the pain. “Tell him… Tell him, I don't mean to make this difficult.” She scrunched up her face and shrugged. “But sit us far apart, please.”

"You know he doesn't think that. It's just a hard situation. For the both of you."

"We'll get through it. I think." God she was lying again wasn't she. But that was the rule, fake it till you make it? 

Steve nodded and made his way out. 

“JARVIS is it safe to run outside?  


“It’s an unseasonably warm outside. 62 degrees.”

Allie laughed and rolled her eyes, “No, I mean. Will I be safe from HYDRA if I take a run or something?”

“We have surveillance on the grounds for miles and—”

“Neato. Thanks, JARV!”

Allie went down to the ground floor and tiptoed past the kitchen. She could hear Clint and Natasha laughing, bowls and spoons clinking and booked it through the doors. She pulled the laces on her Chucks and retied them before jogging around the compound. She picked up speed, faster and faster. Everything blurring around her. She looked past the setting sun and made for the trees a few miles away. Grinning, Allie grasped the trunk of a tree and leapt up high, making it to a branch that cracked and snapped. She fell onto her side, coughing. The wind getting knocked out of her. She could feel a bruise already forming. She must have fallen ten feet. Rolling back up and dusting off the moss and dead leaves, Allie smiled at the aching heat on her arm as she moved it around. She gritted her teeth, eyes furrowing into a hard stare at the trunk. She slammed the heel of her palm on the trunk. Crack. The pain shot up her arm. Good pain. Again. And again until her hand finally cracked the middle of the tree. Allie stopped. Her palm was purple and swollen. If she managed to break the tree, someone would notice. No one needed to know what she was doing.

Allie walked back to the complex, shrugging her one shoulder over and over to feel the pain. But she’d get better in no time. Allie frowned. She’d find a way to make it last longer. In a way that didn’t seem obvious. Arrange a way to stab herself in her palm or thigh.

That night Allie focused on her memories. Shifting from the James that hurt her and the one that seemed to love her. The more she held onto the thoughts, the images, the sensations, the angrier she felt. It took her the whole night to figure out she was mad at him but she couldn’t figure out why. She could feel herself want to cry but she couldn't, tears never even got to pool in her eyes so she squeezed the hand with the cut on it and pressed into her side over and over again. She rode the wave of aches until she went to sleep.

Allie was in the forest in her dream, right by a stream with the orange leaves dancing down the top of the rushing water. She was on a blanket with James talking about nothing in particular, kissing, holding each other. It was so nice to hold him in her arms again.

In the morning, Allie drank the darkest blackest coffee because the normal way she’d been accustomed to wasn’t cutting it. She went down, JARVIS instructing her that it was to take place in the meeting room and showing her the way. She decided to not even change out of her pajamas. It was a great idea until she caught all eyes on her. Everyone was dressed decently, or decent enough to drop off their kids in front of the principal at a very prestigious school. 

Allie glanced at Tony who was standing up in front of the whole room, eyes wide with surprise, which was 99% likely to be all about her attire. There was an empty seat, as promised, in the back of the room right next to a smiling Thor and away from Tony's loud mind. Allie chose to walk to her seat and ignore Tony's frustrated expression.

“So, you are Allie?” Thor extended his hand. 

Allie smiled 'hello' and turned to sit. Before she could, Thor stood and grabbed her up in an embrace. She could hear voices of protest but Allie slumped against his thick warm embrace. It felt like being hugged by a cloud, a warm, wall-of a cloud. He felt like sunshine and strength. All the bad feeling sort of fell away now that she was next to him. She looked up as Thor swung her around and found James’ eyes, an ounce of worry coloring them. Thor finally set her down and patted her shoulder. Just Thor, Steve, and James were there besides Tony and Allie. Where were Sam, Clint, and Natasha?  


“Moving on. We can start the meeting since our vastly underdressed straggler is finally here,” Tony said.

Allie grinned, embarrassed.

“Maybe we should all be so comfortable. This meeting to brief you all on the goings-about with HYDRA. It’s going quite well, considering every time we go out, we come back empty-handed. Except for our little search and rescue mission for Dynamite girl and Killer Grandpa.”

Allie turned. She and James were able to share a look. Now, she felt just how much she missed his presence. She just needed to keep Thor around but that would be so awkward going forward. 

“JARVIS?”

There was a whirring sound. The lights dimmed and a hologram of a blue notebook appeared. 

Tony looked at Allie, “Look familiar?”

Allie gasped. “That’s the… You found it?”

“Maria Hill found it. With Dr. Gruger. Pat, Patricia.”

James cleared his throat.

“Need some water there, Assassin’s Creed?”

“No,” James said, looking down. 

“The leaked HYDRA intel, did not include any of the information in our dear Allie’s little notebook.”

Tony pointed at an interface on his wrist and flicked hologram images upwards, a man in a secret service uniform, another in a suit and one in a cowboy hat. “All three men disappeared after the Battle of the Triskelion, a major in the Texas Rangers, the Atlanta governor, and one of President Ellis’ secret service detail, all with links to HYDRA. There are dozens more names, all disappeared and we have no idea where all their little hidey-holes are.”

Tony sat on the desk. All the lights went up. “So, Alexandra Kershaw, delight and astound us. How do we destroy HYDRA if we can’t fucking find them?”

Allie chewed her lips together. Whenever she needed to know something, it always helped to be near something to take her the rest of the way. “Where did you rescue us? The facility?”

Steve straightened in his chair, “We found you in Sermitsiaq. In Greenland.”

The grey walls, the pipes, the floors, where it was cold. She pictured her room, her cot, the handcuffs on her wrist, the window, two bricks high and wide. She swallowed, “Take me back. I have to be there.”

“Allie, you don’t need to do that,” said Steve.

“Yes, I do. I’ll be able to read something from there. An actual HYDRA facility. It’s the only lead we’ve got.” Allie said, gesturing in frustration. 

“We just got you out of there,” Steve shook his head. "And you wanna go back?"

“Look punk, you had me going back after HYDRA two nights after you got me out,” James said, half laughing, half-pissed.

Everyone in the room turned to look at James. 

“Steve, I remember going after them now. Azzano, the train. But that’s it. That’s all I got so far. I think it’s all the talking. If she wants to go, she wants to go, Steve.” He peered at Allie for a glimmer of a moment, and went on back to looking at his wringing hands.

“When can we go? I want to go. I want to help.” Allie asked Tony, shaking her head and smiling. "Which is how I got into this mess in the first place. Guess a girl just can't learn when to quit." 

“As soon as you’re fit to walk out that door. I'm not one to judge you for style, but comfort’s important... To some people.”

Allie nodded. “I’ll go change. And grab a croissant or something.”

Once in her place, Allie found clothes laid out on her bed. A tac suit kind of like the one Maria Hill had, dark blue, almost black. 

There was a knock. “Master Stark had that lain out for you. He imagined you might be needing it eventually,” JARVIS replied.

She eyed the garment with wide eyes and a grin. Pride swelled because jeez, this is what she’d wanted for a very long time now. It was so confusing how all this terrible horribleness lead her to exactly what she wanted. It made her wonder if she had done this to herself. She was finally getting what she’d wanted for a long time now. Was this really the only way for here to get her here? Allie pushed the thought away. There was more work to be done now. She could think about it later. There were fingerless gloves to match, thankfully. The cut on her hand had closed but was still visible and stung sometimes.

Allie dressed in the pretty tight outfit, it was still comfortable though. Her side still hurt. Even though her hair was still short but it felt weird to have it lose considering where they were about to go. Allie twisted her hair into a short braid, grabbed a croissant from the kitchen. 

There was a knock. “The others are already on the roof by the quinjet.”

Allie laughed that JARVIS completely kept up to his word even though it was ridiculous to knock to enter the kitchen. She made her way up with the elevator to meet back up with Steve, Tony, James, and Thor. 

 

_____

 

Commercially, a trip to Greenland from New York State was a little less than five hours, in a quintet, it was a little under two. 

 

Before Allie even saw the place, she was shaking. Thor got up from his seat. He talked about how interesting “Midgardian” transportation was. “Thor?”

“Yes, Allie?” he beamed. 

“While we’re in there could you stay next to me at all times?”

“Why do you require me to stay at such close proximity?”

“I prefer not to say. You’ll find out sooner or later.”

Thor nodded and remained at the most three feet away from Allie as she walked. The others had already gone on inside. Allie was still shaking but there was no humming. She just had to keep her cool. She was safe. It was all just memories in her head. Very loud painful memories. There were grated steel stairs going down. The chair was the first thing she could see. She saw the chains on the ground. Her chains. The room. She had to go to the room. 

The boys inspected the glass cylinders, Tony in his suit, one repulser up. James had a rifle on him and Steve walked around with his shield up. 

Allie couldn’t help but eye James, who was too busy looking at the chair itself. The room had nothing to do with HYDRA, not really. She just wanted to see it. A few doors down, she found it. The cot, the sheets, the towel. Her chest began to heave. 

“Is this where they kept you?” Thor asked. 

“Yes.” Allie was compelled to, and found herself laying down on the concrete. She heard footsteps and looked at the door in time to see James walk by. Their eyes met. Allie felt the hum and panic and jumped up and grabbed the cot and squeezed. The metal bent. 

James stopped and walked back the way he came. 

Allie’s heart was beating hard. She didn’t need to go in this room. She was just torturing herself. But she wanted to see it. She had to see it. Maybe talking to James would help. They couldn’t do avoid each other forever. 

“I think I’m done here. Back out we go?” Allie smiled weakly. Her knees buckled. Thor grabbed her shoulders. Allie held onto him in turn. 

“Are you alright? Is it troubling you to be here?” Thor asked, brow stitched together.

“We’re leaving. It’s fine,” Allie said, swatting at the air.  


They made their way back to the main corridor. Allie shut her eyes and focused. She skimmed her fingers over the paneling, the buttons, but refused to go near the chair. HYDRA. 

Pastavy. Talca. Allie squinted at the next word in her head. 

“Tell me you got something, kid.” Tony said. 

“Pastavy. Talca. And, Cleveland?”

“You’re telling me that the voice inside your head is saying there’s a HYDRA base in Ohio?!” Tony asked.

Shaking her head, Allie was as perplexed as he was. “Look, sir. I don’t know. It’s just the messages I get.”

“And she’s been right so far, Tony,” Steve said.

Tony nodded quickly. “I know that. I was asking for effect. Please.” And then shook his head, before gesturing at the way out. He clamped his hand on Allie’s shoulder. “You did good, kid. You did good.” Allie smiled before walking on the rest of the way out with the others. 

She stared back at the open, steel, double-doors. They were just going to leave it. “We’re just gonna go? We're just gonna leave this here?”

Tony frowned at her. “We came here to get information. We came. You saw. And now we’re getting outta here.” 

Allie turned back and raised her hands. “I think I can blow it up.”

“Allie, there’s nothing here.” Steve said. 

“Not to you. I want this place gone!” Allie screamed she let the hum go and imagined all those pipes criss-crossing on the walls. The sounds of metal groaning echoed inside. 

“Are you the one doing that?” Thor asked. 

Allie huffed a breath and screamed again. She saw the walls, in her head, cracking, spidering out and crumbling across. It was a chorus of metal warping, cement crumbling. The hum in Allie surging and Allie grabbed onto it and pushed everything that she'd been carrying in her. Boom! Debris flew out. The ground crumbled before them, stopped just short of their feet. Tony’s helmet closed just in time before a piece of a wall slammed into his temple, knocking him over. James blocked the rocks that flew out with his arm and Steve deflected it all with his shield. Allie dropped to the ground, exhausted, dust and gravel washing over her. While Thor simply faced away from the sort of implosion, with an impressed smile on his face.

Allie could see through partially closed eyes. She was in someone's arms. Thor was carry back to the quinjet. 

She was slowly coming back to herself. She wished she had pictures of before and after. 

Tony stood in front of her as soon as she buckled herself in. “What the hell did you think you were doing?!”

“Destroying it,” Allie said weakly. 

“You dented my helmet,” Tony said, pointing at the slight indentation near his temple. "If it was anyone else, I'd be dead. You hear me?!"

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking!” She couldn't even hold her head up.

"Leave her alone, Tony. Can't you see she's burnt out?" Steve yelled. 

“You’re damn right you weren’t thinking!”

Allie grinned, eyes still closed. “Are you gonna put me in time out, dad?”

She could feel Tony frown, “Don’t you sass me, young lady.”

"You're sitting the next one out," Tony said.

Allie sighed, not really hearing him. It felt good to finally destroy something of theirs. To crush it with her own mind, with powers they wanted to use for themselves. Fuck them. Fuck that chair they used on James. Fuck those little glass cases, because that’s where they were shelved when they weren’t being used. They. They….

Allie was too tired and looked right at James, feeling everything he had done to her all at once especially since she was too weak to push any of it away. “Why was there more than one glass case thing?” 

James stayed silent for a good minute, thinking, trying to remember. “Because I’m not...” He squinted his eyes. “I’m not the only Winter Soldier.”

Allie began to laugh. They had found more people to hurt. Great. Great! 

Steve frowned. “They were empty. Where the hell are they now?”

“My guess is another one of those HYDRA bases on our short little list,” Tony said.

They were gonna be at this for a while. There were six chambers total. What was HYDRA planning to do with five more Winter Soldiers?


	28. Take Me to Church

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't particularly know why, but this song just feels right. The lyrics. [Take Me to Church-Hozier](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MYSVMgRr6pw)

The rumble of the quinjet engine finally coaxed Allie out of her nap. How long had they been flying? She straightened in her seat, there was drool in the corner of her mouth. Allie quickly rubbed it away with the back of her hand. 

“Are you feeling better?” Steve asked with a neutral face. But she could feel just how pissed he was underneath his cool façade. He reached behind him and produced a bottle of water. 

“Yeah. I’m feeling almost 100%, I think.” Allie said, taking the bottle from him.

Steve finally frowned at her. “Allie, what were you thinking?”

She shrugged, that seemed to annoy him even more. “I wasn’t.” She twisted the top off the water and took a few gulps. “Look, Steve, I’m really, really—”

“I don’t want to hear it, Allie,” he shook his head. 

Allie’s eyes widened at his hard tone, shrinking back in her seat. She’d never actually seen Steve like this before and not with her. Steve could actually be pretty scary when he wanted be. Captain America.

“Look, I know what they did. I know you want revenge, but that’s not the answer. When you’re out there with us, you have to think of ‘us’ when you make a decision like that.”

Allie swallowed hard and wrung her hands together. He was right. 

“God forbid, what if Tony wasn’t wearing the suit? The size of that rock could have killed him. Bucky and I are okay and so would you, but that doesn’t mean you can be so reckless.”

James chuckled, and muttered under his breath, “Oh, you’re one to talk.”

Steve looked at him. “I never did anything to endanger you, or anyone else. Just, myself. I made sure of that.” 

James cleared his throat with a smile. There was something more he had to say on that subject. 

Steve peered back at Allie. “If you’re just going to go on like that, you might as well go back home. We can do this without you.”

“But you—” Allie protested. 

“It’ll take a lot longer without you, but we will, if we have to…” His eyes finally softened again, as he sighed. “So, what’s it gonna be, Allie?”

“It won’t happen again.” She got it. Just as long as she didn’t endanger the team, she could do anything she wanted. 

“You should talk to Tony.”

Allie made a face. She barely knew the guy and she almost could have gotten him killed or seriously injured in the span of 72 hours. How could they come back from that? But Steve said so and it would only help to talk to Tony. She would never let any of them get hurt because of her. Ever.

“Where are we going now?” Allie asked, looking around. “Where’s Thor?”

“He’s meeting us there. Found out the trip was gonna take 6 hours after we take you home first. If, we take you home first,” Steve grabbed the bottle of water back before taking a few sips himself. 

Allie opened her mouth to protest.

Steve tilted his chin down to look at her. “Then talk to Tony, sooner rather than later. Change his mind.”

She looked over at James. His clothes were more obviously dirty, smudged hand-prints all over his tac suit, black, looser than Steve’s. Allie stopped smiling. Goddamnit. She huffed a breath and unbuckled her seat. Time to face the music. 

Walking to the front of the jet, Allie pressed a button to access the cockpit. Tony was in plainclothes, his suit was in the corner, still powered up. He was out here, feet up on the dash, leaned back and napping? Allie cleared her throat. It would be weird to just sit down in the empty seat beside him. “Sir,” she cleared her throat, again. Nothing. “Excuse me, Tony?”

“Oh, I’m sorry. We’re you talking to me?” 

Allie was using all of her strength not to roll her eyes. But she was in the wrong here. She did technically throw a rock at his face. She settled for the quietest growl, because regardless, that attitude wasn’t called for, from either of them. “May, I sit down?”

“It’s a free country. Well, technically we’re in international waters. And, I actually own this plane, so…”

“Mr. Stark, I was angry and I let my emotions influence all of my actions and I was not thinking about the team. I was selfish and reckless and I take full responsibility—”

“Did Steve tell you to say that?”

Allie must have looked like a kid caught with her hand in the cookie jar. “Not exactly. But—”

Tony lifted his eyebrows. The jig was up. 

Allie nodded. “Yes, but it’s the truth. I—” She ran her hands up and down her legs and found holes in her pant legs, several, in fact. She dipped a finger into one of the holes and pressed. “Ah!” It stung, like a small concentrated bruise. “Ow!” She was ecstatic. Her finger came away with some gravel-dust. She must be covered in tiny bruises; she couldn’t wait to look. All she wanted to do was press them in. How long would these last her?

“We should get those looked at, kid.” He put his feet down and turned to look at her suit.

“I’m fine,” Allie knew she was grinning too wide. But she couldn’t help it.

“Your hands getting sweaty in those gloves?” He pointed in her general direction. 

Allie looked down at her hands. It was silly to be wearing gloves right this second. Especially when they were hundreds or thousands of miles away. Allie realized what was going on a millisecond after it was too late. In puling off the glove, she’d shown Tony the freshly healing gash across her palm. 

“A little birdie told me how you got that.”

Allie shook her head, “I was…”

“Why’d you do it? You clearly don’t want to kill yourself, because you’re way, way off the marker.” 

Allie shrugged, “It makes me feel better.”

“Does that have anything to do with what you did back there?”

She wanted to lie. It was crazy. Wasn’t it?

“Look, I don’t know what you went through back there. But if you’re trying to work through something, don’t take it out on your own body. And definitely don’t do it in my house.”

Of all people, she expected a talk like this to come from anyone else. He was right, but he had no right to tell her what to do. It was her body. Was she really going to stop? No. And no, she didn’t want to die. She didn’t even know why she wanted to hurt herself, it just made her feel better. She was pissed off at James some of the time. She was pissed off at herself for the other half. It made no fucking sense. She was actually nuts. She’d been through enough to crack. 

“Are we really going back?”

“Kid, we’re not doubling back to America and coming back across the ocean.” Tony pointed out to the clouds. “We’ll be there in oh, another hour tops. You’ve been warned. One more incident like that and we’re calling Thor to take you back. Got it?”

Allie nodded, “Yes, Tony.”

JARVIS had blabbed. But it was better right? Maybe she should call up Pat and talk, or talk to Steve. Or even just have Steve over her place all the time. Even talking to James might finally do her some good. 

 

_______

Pastavy was actually a charming little city near a river. The mountains were actually in Lithuania and so were probably not what her sense meant, right? Allie felt something tug her right into the center of town. Thor came down with a gigantic light beam as they all walked into the outskirts of town from the woods where they landed the jet. 

The people in town stared at them, but walked on. 

“If you wanted to take a European vacation, there are better ways to ask. And better places to go. Somewhere, I don’t know, with a night life.” Tony turned around slowly in a circle at the flat tiny town. 

They were in Pastavy, but it looked like a small country town. Nothing like the 18,000 strong population JARVIS said lived here. It was nothing like the pictures on the web either. Pastavy, Talca, Cleveland. There was something more to this than they could see. 

Allie watched a man take an extra half-a-second to look at them before he scuttled up into a church. She already knew it was an entrance way. She saw him open a door to a bunker underneath in her head. “There’s more to this city than we thought.” Allie looked at each of them pointedly and tapped on the ground with her foot.

“We’re in a hodunk town that’s supposed to be sprawling with people,” Tony held a repulser up. 

“But almost nothing’s here,” Steve pulled his shield from his back.

James raised his rifle and looked around them, then at the ground directly underneath them. 

The whole town was a HYDRA base, underground. Fully populated with HYDRA agents. 

Allie held her hands up before blue shots burst through the air, bullets thudding the ground around them them. Tony’s mask shut, and took off in the air, “Finally!” 

James blocked all the shots with his arm. Raised the rifle, taking out agents far up in the trees, only giving away their location as they dropped to the ground. 

They were getting hit from all sides. Allie kept her hands up. But she wasn’t getting shot. Steve ran out, throwing his shield. It ricocheted off of trees, hitting men behind buildings in the street, before coming back to him. 

More men rushed at them from out of the church. Thor bowled through the crowd. Allie turned her head. A man raised a gun at her. She pulsed her fingers out, just as he shot. He yelled and dropped to the ground. More popped out from hiding, rushing at them i wave after wave. James took them out before they had a chance to get close. But more were always coming. 

Allie threw her hands up and blew up the car’s windows by the men. The car’s doors flew out and hit another man, tumbling into another one with a hard thud. The trunk hit another man running right behind it. Thor swung his hammer easily hitting several men all at once. Allie blew up everything in her line of vision. Cars, stores, signs, hitting targets left and right, crushing the men and women roaring at them. She also hit buildings and roofs and windows. Inaccurate powers are inaccurate. 

There were too many still coming. Allie didn’t think and focused on the ground just before her. She was alone now. The sound started first before the ground opened up, thrusting dirt and stone into the air. She’d blown through the underground roof. They screamed as they fell in. She kept it going. Subdue, but not kill. Hopefully they had something OK to fall on down there. How deep was that thing anyway?

“I don’t know what I was expecting, but I wan’t expecting that.” Tony hovered back over to Allie. Steve, Thor and James coming back again as the agents underground screamed. He ground cracking and crumbling.

Allie dropped her hands, in horror. She just wanted to stop them. “They’re going to be crushed. We have to help them.” Allie ran to the crumbling ground and saw the ground come up to meet her. 

 

____

 

It was hard to open her eyes, it was cold on the ground she way laying on. But, it wasn’t the ground. Wherever she was it was dark and cold. She as back there in the facility, with HYDRA. Panic swelled, expecting to feel chains on her wrists or a handcuff on a bed or someone on top of her. She opened her eyes. Using her powers kept wiping her out. 

Steve whispered, “It’s alright, Allie,” he was smiling, face covered in dirt again.  
Allie shot up, looking around. Cold grey metal everywhere. “Where are we? Where am I?” The wave of terror came over Allie. The sound of metal groaning caught her immediate attention. 

“As much as I appreciate your talents, please don’t do that,” Tony squatted down beside Allie. 

Allie took a deep breath and calmed almost instantly, if Tony was here everything else was real. She peered around. Now able to make out the shape of the jet’s panels. Where was James?

“Where is he, Steve?”

“He went on ahead to the cockpit ever since we took off. He’s been there ever since.”

Maybe he knew she wouldn’t want to see him after waking up. He was right. It was sad, but he was right. Allie raised her hands. “Help me up.” She inspected her bandaged hands. “What’s this?” Tony and Steve each took an arm and raised her up.

“You had shrapnel in your hands,” Steve said.

“I helped extract them. No big deal,” Tony stood up, raising up his arms.

Allie wiggled her wrapped fingers, it felt like small knives had stabbed her all over hands. She smiled back at Tony. “Thank you, Tony.” Shrapnel?

Tony nodded and walked to the cockpit, “Don’t mention it.” When the door opened, Allie could make out the silver sheen of James’ hand. Then it shut again.

Allie squinted, a question on her face. “But nothing hit me.”

“Tony had JARVIS analyze the fragments, they’re bullet fragments.”

She’d raised her hands repeatedly right before she’d been shot at, every time. “I blew the bullets up?” 

“Before they could do any real damage,” Steve nodded. 

“What the shit?” Allie stared at her hands. “So I’m kind of bullet-proof?”

“In a way, yes. That’s gonna come in handy.” 

“I bet! Finally, something cool,” Allie grinned, then frowned. “So how am I supposed to eat and do anything else with these?” Raised her hands up and made Steve chuckle. 

Allie mustered enough courage to nonchalantly go over to the cockpit after gaining some of her strength back. When she arrived, there was something heavy hanging in the air between Tony and James. But that wasn’t for her to know, and so she wouldn’t pry if she could help it. “Sorry, boys. Just wanted to see where we’re at.” She frowned when she spied the eastern coast. “Where are we going now?”

“We can take break before getting back to it. Not to mention your boyfriend needs a tune up,” Tony patted James’ shoulder. 

Allie looked at James, when Tony called him that. She didn’t think to correct him. “Are you OK?” she feigned a smile. It was really the first time she spoke to James at so close a distance. 

“I’ve been meeting with doctors. It’s important they continue their work.” James nodded, not quite looking at Allie.

Allie waited but James didn’t continue. If they were alone, perhaps he would be more forthcoming. “But we still have two cities to go to! We have to strike with the iron’s hot!” Her choice of words made her glance at Tony’s waiting suit. 

“Allie, we’ve been at this a long time. I’ve been at this a long time. Unless, I don’t know, aliens are attacking the earth or subjugating the human race, we can take this at our own pace.” He swung his chair towards her now. “If we don’t, we’ll never, ever stop. Because it never, ever stops. In this business, you learn to take your moments, when you can.” He swiveled his chair back. “We’re going home. I’m feeling Thai.” He turned to James, “You like Thai food there, 8 man?”

James smiled, “Can’t say I have.” And glanced back at Allie. It was a nice sight to see. 

 

_______

 

The jet touched down. Everyone filed out. Allie took a shower. JARVIS let her know she could leave her hands unbandaged or have the doctors rewrap her hands if she wanted afterwards. 

When it was dinnertime, Tony ordered Thai for the whole team. Allie had Pad Thai with peanuts for the first time. Sam, Natasha, and Clint came out of the woodwork. Allie found out she preferred her noodles sans the extra nutty crunch. She sat diagonal to James on purpose at the long oval table. Their eyes met a few times as the team recounted stories with the Chitauri and separate missions, Sam talked about Allie blowing up his house and her delicious chicken. Everyone talked and laughed for a long time. And Allie got to forget for just a little while. She kept looking at the tiny red cuts and pock marks on her hands. Tony grinned as he told the team about her “new” power. Allie was proud of herself and kinda pretty happy, even if she couldn’t shake the sadness that lingered underneath everything, no matter how great the dinner with everyone was. Wheels up at 0800, sans Thor. But he’d be there in moments if he were needed. Natasha, Clint and Sam were going to Cleveland around the same time too. 

Allie waited until James finally excused himself and followed him until he got to just outside his door.

“Hey, what’s up?“ he turned around. 

“You think we could talk?” Allie held her hands behind her. She had sweaty hands again. The serum did nothing for nerves, it seemed. 

He looked down, thinking about something. “Yeah, I actually have something to tell you too.”

Allie’s heart stopped. What the hell could it be?

They decided it would be best to talk outside. In case Allie’s powers got out of hand and away from prying eyes or super-soldier hearing. 

Allie’s heart was hammering against her chest the whole walk over the wide field and back towards the tree she fell off of, the tree she hit to hurt her hands. She took a deep breath, and lay on the trunk of the tree. Questions, random things rushed through her head and she couldn’t figure out where to start first. 

James sat on the trunk of a leaning tree, just opposite of her. “You go first,” and gestured towards her with his metal arm. She noted it looked shinier than when she’d last seen him.

“Is your arm shinier?” Better to start with small-talk.

“It is. Got a good buff after I met with the doctors again. Among other things,” he huffed. 

“What Tony said earlier. What are they doing to you, exactly?”

“Back at the port. The doctor tried to activate me using a specific sequence of words. Afterwards, they can get me to do whatever they want. Anyone. No questions.”

Allie looked down and nodded, her throat tightening. 

“And they’re helping you—”

“They’re disrupting the effectiveness of the sequence. It’s going to take too long to deprogram everything they did. Especially when…” He shook his head, groaning, “I don’t even know everything they did to me!”

Allie bit her lips together. All she wanted to do was hug him, but she stayed on her tree. They could tell each other they were sorry till they were blue in the face, but that wouldn’t undo anything anyway. That wouldn’t make her stop hating the feel of his skin on hers. She shut her eyes and imagined a warmth, focusing on James. 

James stopped moving. “You’re doing that aren’t you?”

Allie opened her eyes back up. “That was my first time trying something like that. I wasn’t even sure it was going to work.”

“I wish I could do that for you.” James shifted on the trunk, making Allie start.

Afraid he’d touch her again, she shrunk behind her tree. When she realized what she’d abruptly done, she thudded her head against the trunk. Now was a good a time as ever to start with her questions. “I remember what happened at Sermitsiaq, but I just want you to tell me if all of that was real.”

James verified that Rumlow was never there. But his clothes were. Nothing was real up until just before they had given her a version of the serum. And afterwards. He’d been with her a grand total of three times. One time, she was actually not even conscious for it. 

Her knees were shaking now. James could see. She thought hard. She wanted to remember it. There was that option. “Do you remember that part?”

James nodded, not looking at her. 

She wanted to see it, but touching him might overload her with the memory, but she had to know. “Just hold it in your head and maybe I can catch some of it…”

Allie grasped at the tree trunk and focused. She saw her lifeless form but that was enough. All of a sudden she started to dry heave. 

Instinctively, James raised his hand up, “Are you, alright?”

Allie nodded swallowing the urge to throw up. Face flushing hot, head spinning. She coughed a few times before the wave subsided. “Cool beans. Thank you though, for telling me the truth, James.”

“Uh, there was something else, Allie. Steve and Tony already know. I told Steve first, who refused. So I turned to Tony, see if he had any more sense. But… After all this is over, I’m having them turn me in.”

“Turn you in? Like to the government?”

“They’re getting everything out of my head. Or close to it. We’re on our way to gutting HYDRA from the world. It’s time I give the people I killed some justice.”

“We’re taking care of that now! With you! With us!”

“Allie, this is the best thing for all parties involved.”

Allie laughed in frustration. It stung that he really stopped calling her “doll.” She’d picked up on it before, but she was more sure now. He was making a conscious effort to call her by her actual nickname. And he was willingly gonna lock himself up. 

“You really still want me around? Here?” 

“I don’t want you locked up, paying for what ‘they’ made you do.”

“I know. I can see everything they made me do in my head. Ever since we got back from there. I can’t stop it. And it got better, when I decided to go through with this.”

“You’re just gonna leave Steve alone, again?!”

“He’s a grown man.”

“He needs you.”

“No one needs me.”

“And he said ‘no’ to you. So you asked Tony, what did Tony say?”

James threw his hands up and groaned, pacing in front of his tree now. That told her Tony wasn’t about to let him throw away his new life either. Good on him. 

“You decide what you decide. But I’m telling you I don’t want you to do that. It’s stupid. Wh-wh-what if instead of locking you up, they just decide to kill you?”

“So be it. The world will be better for it.”

“You’re gonna leave me, just that easily?”

“Nothing about any of this, any of this, has been easy.”

“What if we keep finding more and more of HYDRA, what if it never stops?”

“Then neither will I.”

“That’s not good enough for me.”

James stared at her hard, eyes glossing with tears. “Look, I’m going to do whatever it takes to keep you safe. I want you to be happy.”

“Having you around will make me happy.”

“You won’t even let me touch you.”

Allie’s stomach clenched, her body grew cold. She stepped closer till she was just inches from him. “Then touch me,” she was shaking, whole body now. But fuck it all. 

“The way you’re shaking now, says otherwise.”

“I just want you to have a chance at living a life. Your own life.”

“And if I told you I wanted to live out my days crossing the globe, living on my own, saving damsels in bars and alleys…”

“That’s fine. I mean. It would make me sad, but at least you’re free. And that makes it alright for you to come back here and fight with us or eat Thai fodder not! I know this is the first time you’re even making a gigantic decision for yourself and I’m selfish and I’m sorry. But, I don’t care!” Tears were falling down her cheeks now. She stuck her tongue out to taste one. “Back at the house, Sam’s house, you said you were leaving and I told you to stay. You already said you were gonna stay back then.”

“Are you saying I can’t take it back?” he was smirking a little now. 

Allie shook her head, more tears falling now. 

“Are you gonna bite my hand if I don’t agree?” he asked, a full-on grin on his face. 

Allie laughed. He remembered about that girl in her kindergarten class. “Yeah! Would a gentleman really let a lady break her teeth doing that?” And ran into his arms and squeezed the life out of him. 

“Unless something else happens to prove I shouldn’t be out here, I’ll stay.”

After the initial relief at his words, the comfort drained out of their embrace. It was weird again and Allie pushed out of it. She ignored the look of hurt in his eye when she did that, but it wouldn’t do to dwell on it. They talked. That was enough for now. They could be friends. Very weird, close friends. 

On the way back, Allie found out that James had not been sleeping again. He runs around the complex at all hours of the night, or swims in the pool at their gym. JARVIS had him listening to music. 80’s music is definitely his jam. Journey and Billy Joel. JARVIS also found his grandniece and great grandnephew's family, who were all living in Los Angeles now. He had no plans to contact them. Allie wondered if he'd eventually change his mind if enough time passed. Due to practically no sleep, the internet, and the library at the complex, James now knew more about the modern world than Steve did when he first thawed out, and even still. He was in the fucking future, had always been waiting for it. Seeing Howard Stark's old pictures here and there, James remembered the fair, the date, Steve going off, and the “flying car.” One of his only few pleasant memories coming back. He vaguely remembered Howard Stark at the SSR, and suspected there was more there to their friendship than he could remember. He and Allie would not touch unless Allie initiated, or if something endangered her life. 

Back inside, James offered to walk Allie back to her room, but Allie thought it would be awkward once they got to her door. Instead, she walked him to his. How was that actually better, who knows?

Allie got JARVIS to bring up her favorite Billy Joel and Journey songs and wondered which ones were James’ favorite. She laid down listening to the songs till she fell asleep. She kept waking up, over and over again, feeling the cold floor under her back. Every time she opened her eyes, everything looked grey. The room was always colder than it really was. Wrapping the comforter over her again, back to sleep she'd go. She needed to be at top strength for the day ahead. She’d ask Steve to stay over again once they’d gotten back. He seemed to keep the nightmares away. 

On to Talca.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is what James actually likes from Journey. [Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LatorN4P9aA) Relevant song, ey? The lyrics.


	29. Pictures

James was the last one to the quintet in the morning. Allie recognized his tac suit first before his face. His hair was on the long side of short now. A little longer than his pictures in history books, during the Howling Commando days, and he’d shaven all his scruff off to reveal a baby-face. It was amazing how much younger he looked and how different. He eyed her with a smile, before slipping into a seat beside Steve. 

Allie looked away trying not to grin like a schoolgirl spotting her crush from across the room. He must have done this, or gotten it done last night after their little talk or even this morning, which would explain his almost lateness. Steve wasn’t actually saying anything, which probably meant he already knew about the change. She could at least say something. “Got a hot date when we touch down in Chile? Ey, James?” Her voice was a touch too loud, carrying all awkward, nervous energy overcompensating for days and days of heavy non-interaction. Except for last night. Allie puffed a few breaths out to soothe the heat flushing her face now. 

“Maybe Allie’s trying to tell you you finally look respectable, Bucky,” Steve chuckled. 

James socked Steve in the arm with a laugh, “Thanks a lot, punk!”

“Look who’s finally decided to grace us with his presence,” Tony waltzed in drinking from a mug with a stick figure that said: ”Stand Back I’m Going to Try Science.” He smirked at James. “Nice hair, James Dean.”

Steve shook his head with a grin. 

James stared back puzzled, “Who’s James Dean?” 

Allie looked him over while she guffawed.

Tony walked back to the cockpit, “I hope you’re all ready for the 12 hour flight. 'Cause I'm not.” And the door shut. 

Allie was still stuck on James’ hair. The coif. He actually had a coif. Puffed up, voluminous waves any woman would be jealous of. As soft as a marshmallow. She remembered the other team on their way to Cleveland. They should have brought her there too. But she couldn’t be in two places at once. The quinjet hummed and clicked in preparation for take-off. Allie dragged her bag to her. It had candy she’d found on the bottom shelf underneath the house fridge, shoved under bricks of goat cheese. She also brought three books, and she’d loaded up her phone with a few kiddie movies to not freak out about what they were about to do. 

The jet’s engines sped up, propelling the aircraft. The moment they left the ground, the air in the cabin seemed to thicken. Something was pressing down on everything, on her. And she knew this was wrong. But what exactly was wrong? Should they be going to another base on the list? 

Krushevo, Prisojnic, Paide, Belukha. 

Sacramento. D.C. Again. 

Krushevo, Prisojnic, Paide, Belukha. Allie heard the names as if she were reciting the list aloud herself. These names were different. Steve and James had taken down several bases back in the 40s. Of course there would be more. Krushevo, Prisojnic, Paide, Belukha were the rest of the bases. She had to tell Tony. She clicked the release on her seatbelt, looking at the cockpit door. 

“Something the matter, Allie?” Steve asked. 

“I’m fine,” Allie said, not even paying attention. She thought of telling Tony to go to any of the other places she’d heard in her head but they were all important. There was something in Talca for her. And there was something in every other city in her head. Sacramento and D.C. were important in different ways but there was no way to stop it. If only Allie could feel exactly what each location had in store. What if she concentrated? Tony would send everyone to a different location, or they could prioritize the worst, decide together what to do. 

“I’ll be back,” Allie walked to where Tony was. The door opened, let her in. She looked at Steve and James, studying them for all of a second before the door shut again. 

“Tony, I think we have a problem.”

Tony spun his chair to Allie. “What’s up, buttercup?”

“As soon as we left, more places came to me in my head. Some of them are domestic—”

“Domestic? Like, home? Where?”

“Sacramento and D.C.,” Allie shook her head. “I can’t figure out what’s going to happen but it’s bad all around.”

“And Cleveland.”

“There is something there. And it’s important. It’s all important.”

“So, what you’re basically saying is, we’re fucked?”

Allie stopped and thought a moment. “I think yeah,” she nodded. “Yeah, we are.”

“And you can’t give me more than just ‘really bad?’”

Allie shook her head wide and slow. 

Tony cocked his head, “Well, I guess that’s better than nothing.” Tony squinted at her. “Anyone tell you you’re just like a Magic 8-ball?”

“You mean something small that you keep around for novelty purposes?” Allie laughed. She wasn’t, not really. But she still felt like it. All of the damn pieces needed filling in. That would make it all so much easier. Concentrate. One thing she was continuously learning was that life did not like just handing you things, unless they were loaded with crap. 

“Do you really believe that?” Tony frowned. 

Allie shook her head. 

“Give me all the information you have and we'll decide the best course of action. That way, it’s not all on you.”

Tony had JARVIS research all the locations. Prisojnic was in Slovenia. Near mountains. Paide, in Estonia. Near, mountains. Belukha was actually Belukha Mountain in Siberia, of course. Krushevo was in Sokovia. They went back to the boys and discussed the information with each other. They decided to send Thor and Banner to Paide. But that felt wrong to Allie when Tony said it aloud. But Belukha was right. Allie shifted people in her head for each location, her head told her it was wrong, wrong, and then not wrong. Krushevo was something that needed almost all of them. Belukha was important, but could be held off for the time being. Thor and Banner could be sent there to keep everything under wraps. Important enough to need glorified guard dogs, for lack of a better term, but it would all be too easy to fortify and defend without one or two of the team already there. But if they ignored the "inconsequential" bases, HYRDA could arm them or evacuate. HYDRA could more heavily fortify the larger ones, if they did the opposite. 

“What’s in Talca?”

Allie concentrated and the familiar scent came to her. The smell that was on her weeks ago and again in Greenland, on a sweatshirt. “Rumlow.” She saw him in her head and wished she had enough strength to crush him with her bare hands. Hands on his skull at pressing in his temples. Use her power. Blow up an eye maybe. Could she? Rupture an artery or vein in his head or neck. Have him bleeding from the inside out. 

“Allie! Stop that!” It took a while before Allie could make out Tony’s voice, he’d grabbed her shoulders.

Allie realized what she’d been doing and repeated “stop” over and over in her head. She thought up pictures of playing puppies and kittens in her head to calm her down. The warm arms of her grandfather around her. It worked. 

“Sorry.”

“No, no, no. I don’t need you to be sorry. I need you to be in control.”

The door opened behind them. 

“Is everything alright in here?” Steve asked. James was right behind him. 

“Whatever is over there is already wreaking emotional havoc on you. We just left so it’s not too late to switch the teams.”

“Rumlow is there,” Allie glared, squeezing her seat. 

“Are you actually planning on taking him in peacefully?” Tony raised an eyebrow.

He was onto her. Allie opened her mouth. 

“Uh-uh-uh! If you lie to me young lady, I’ll know it.”

She frowned and sighed. “So are we just gonna take him in like a normal person, or leave him to relax in South America?” She took a quick glance at Tony and quickly regretted her statement. 

"Sam, Clint, and Nat can take care of him," Steve nodded. 

Allie sighed. “OK, OK, fine. Justice is served.” She knew exactly what she’d do to him. Maybe she’d get a few days with him, draw it all out. But then they’d lock her up. She wanted all these feelings to fade because good people didn’t think that way, right? It felt good to imagine it. 

“JARVIS call Clint."

Clint appeared, pretty bored on the quinjet's left corner. "Yeah, Tony?"

Tony grinned, "Hey, guys! Good news!"

 

___________

 

It wasn’t long before they touched down in Cleveland. Some of the streets looked extraordinarily like D.C. She sort of missed being back home. 

Walking in the city. Allie said it was alright to, so they all, especially Steve, changed into civies. Tony kept a small trunk of stuff for the whole team. Even Thor. Tony was already casual enough out of his suit anyway. Allie had a choice between a dress, a business-y dress and jeans. She was drawn to the business dress. And kitten heels. 

“So basically we’re walking until I get something. Sorry, guys. Even though these are not the shoes for it,” Allie kicked a foot up and wiggled her shoe. 

“You know I got you sneakers in there, right?” Tony said. 

“This dress will help. Trust me.” Allie shut her eyes, her feet were already starting to ache. She caught her reflection and smiled. She was wearing her old SHIELD dress code again. An image of Sandy in her own dresses popped up in Allie’s mind. 

Focus. 

They walked around the city. Allie allowed herself one look back at James. Focus. They’d walked a mile before coming to a residential area. She already knew which of the houses held whatever it was that had drawn her to it. She already had it in her head what to do next. 

Steve, James and Tony flanked one side of the door, since there was a window someone inside could look out of. There was a car in the driveway. Someone was definitely home. Allie had them go ahead of her as she put on her brightest grin and waltzed up to the door and rang the bell, “Do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and savior, Jesus Christ?” Allie teetered jauntily on her heels for effect. 

A hand pulled open the curtain. “No, sorry,” with a thick Russian accent. 

“Oh, please sir. A moment with God is all you need!” She head him shuffle. HYDRA. A higher up. Closer. She could see his feet moving in her head. He was just behind the door now. She looked at Steve, James and Tony, nodding up at Steve, who bowled down the door. The man screamed and tracked backwards, hands up. He turned to James squinting his eyes in recognition, “Soldat?”

James charged and knocked him out cold. 

Steve brought out plastic zip ties. 

“No, no, no,” Tony brought out unlinked metal bracelets to put on the man. Then, pressed a button on them and the cuffs linked behind the man’s back. 

James rushed around the house opening drawers and cupboards, desk drawers. Allie heard his boots on the second floor too, doing more of the same. It looked like he knew what they were there for. 

Allie approached cautiously, the look in his eye was telling her he was not in the best state of mind. “James, what are you looking for? That’s what brought us here.”

James walked on in a huff, feeling along walls, knocking on them with moments of gentleness in the flurry of hard, rushed, intent. 

“James!” 

Nothing. 

OK, fine. He wouldn’t stop until he found it. Allie took one slow exhale in and focused on James and the house. She saw a basement and a wall. It was behind the wall. 

“I know where it is.”

James turned his head, she’d seen those eyes before. And they terrified her. 

“Basement. Behind a wall.” Allie turned her head and found a door ajar down the hall. 

“I was down there already, before I tried the walls.”

Allie nodded, “It's there, let’s go get it.”

She went first and looked at all the walls. She spotted the sparest wall, flanked by two tables and a lamp and some papers. She touched her hand around the wall. There, on the center right. 

“It’s right here,” Allie, said patting the wall and got the hell out of the way.

James punched the wall and ripped out the rest of the wall, revealing an old red notebook with a black star on it. He snatched it, turning abruptly and stalked up the stairs. Allie ran right after him. She heard a man’s voice. It sounded like the unconscious man’s but he was speaking Russian. She recognized the words. The doctor had said them. And there was more. But she couldn’t understand it. Could she even be able to say them out correctly in order to translate them?

James stood at the stove, metal hand on the knob, the burner clicking. Allie rushed over. “What are you doing? We need that!”

“Do you know what this is?” 

“The words are in there.”

“And you know why I’d want to destroy it.”

“I don’t think we came all this way to destroy it.”

“Do you actually want to use it?”

“I want to see inside.”

James turned the knob back, no longer trying to light the stove. He narrowed his eyes at her and lay the journal on the unlit burner and walked back out.

Allie grabs the book and a million images flash though her head. She sees the house’s owner, younger, in a military uniform and a red hat. She sees James in his old black leather suit again. He was in a gurney, electrodes around his head. The hum of electricity dialing up as the man recited the words. Zhelaniye. James with short hair in a small concrete block smaller than the room in Sermitsiaq. Men going in and out. Yelling. Rzhavvy. Men with dirty water waiting for him to comply with their commands. Semnadstat. James on the floor, kicked in the gut, punched in the face. Rassvet. They yell at him in Russian and he smiles with blood-stained teeth.  
Pech. They know he “don’t speak Russian.” But they do it anyway. Devyat. He’s strapped down over and over again. The new machine whirrs and crackles. They're yelling the words. Dobroserdechnyy. They're finally sticking in his head. Vosvrashcheniye na rodinu.

And then, his mind is finally blank. Odin. He looks at the man reciting the words. A different one. She knows this. But he doesn’t, he can’t remember. Gruzuvoy vagon. 

This is how they made him. And there’s more. He’s in a room with the men. There are five people. New. They move like Steve and James. The house’s owner is there too. He holds a gun to James as he takes the man out of the barred area and shoves the bar doors closed. Allie’s breathing hard now. She opened the book and focuses on what’s on there. If she focuses on what’s on the page, she can stop the images. But the words are in Russian. There’s numbers and diagrams but she can’t understand it. 

Before she fully thinks about it, she yells for him. “James!”

He walks back in the kitchen. “Yeah?” The way he looks at her tells her he’s upset. 

Allie walks up and hands him the book with shaking hands. “Here.” She knows her face is betraying her right now. James takes the book. 

She doesn’t know if it’s just her that needs it, but she wants to hug him. Her shoulder twitches, but it’s from everything she saw. She’s just about to reach up.

He nods down at the book, “You know. I can see it on your face.”

Feet crunch on the debris, Tony appears in the doorway. “We about done here, lovebirds?”

Tony’s eyes find the notebook, and frowns. “That’s it?”

 

_______

 

At least it’s a short ride back to the compound after dropping off the man who they now have identified as Colonel Vasily Karpov, a HYDRA officer that infiltrated the Russian Armed Forces. Their craft was met by Lieutenant Colonel James Rhodes, aka War Machine and military personnel in order to take in Karpov. To make the transfer and transport easier, Tony injected him with a sedative. Allie’s stomach clenched when Tony jabbed his neck with the needle. But it was so quick, she didn’t have a chance to say anything. She touched her hand to her own neck. She looked over at James, who was still quietly fuming. 

Everyone went to their respective rooms for another night’s rest. It was on to the longer stretch. They’d stay in Europe until they’d gotten the rest of the bases. Tony had a different plane for those needs while they got small ones. HYDRA couldn't have any where else to go. Send parts of the team to the small two. They wold all meet and get rid of the bigger ones together. 

Tony had given Colonel Rhodes the gist of everything. Extra patrols on both parts of the coast in the mean time. War Machine in Sacramento. Hill and the CIA in D.C. Thor would be sent to Siberia with Dr. Banner soon.

Krushevo, Sokovia was first, then Belukha Moutain in Siberia. Attack them all separately at the same time. 

Allie took another shower in her room. She realized being so busy, she’d forgotten to participate in all the self-destructive behaviors she’d done in the past. Maybe that talk with James helped too. Maybe all she really needed to do was distract herself with better things instead of giving into the bad wants. She walked to James’ room. 

James opened the door, wet hair. He’d taken a shower too. He pulled the door wide and stepped back. Allie walked in and looked at how similar their spaces were, they were just arranged in the opposite direction.

“I’m assuming you’re here because you want to talk,” he spoke in low even tones. 

“You guessed right.” Was she encroaching on his space? Was she doing something she wasn’t supposed to? Was she being selfish again? “But I can leave, if you don’t want to talk,” she pointed a thumb back to the door. 

“It’s fine,” he went over to the fridge and pulled out the freezer on the bottom, popping the top off of a bottle of beer. He was touching cold things. 

Allie’s eyes widened. “You—”

“It’s just a cold bottle of beer, nothing more,” he tilted the bottle, the liquid sloshing around and brought it to his lips for another sip. 

“I’m sorry about the book.”

He scoffed, “You didn’t do it. Any of it.”

“But I wanted to look at it, even though you didn’t want me to.”

“Are you saying you should have let me burn it?”

Allie opened her mouth to speak. Whatever was in there, whatever they’d find out. It was better intact than ash. “No.”

“Good. That’s smart.” He set the beer on the countertop and walked over to a chair across from Allie was standing, and sat. He was wearing a black t-shirt and sweats. It's what he wore when they were at that house. When he moved his arm, she saw all the muscles contract. She hated how good he looked. Maybe touching him wouldn’t be so bad. They’d done so much worse to him. Well, as bad as you can get aside from shoving unwanted things into a person. He couldn’t be triggered anymore. He would never have done those things otherwise. It was not his fault. It was theirs. They’d already gotten the notebook with the words in it. Destroyed one base, one team was getting another base and/or apprehending Rumlow, though no one told her what had happened just yet. 

She took slow steps towards him. The whole place smelled like him, but he was wearing clothes like from before. His hair was different. He wasn’t that person. They had the book. Tony was gonna have Natasha look at it as soon as he got back with everyone else. No one would be able to trigger him again. He had leaned far back in the chair. When he lifted back up, Allie was already right in front of him. 

“What are you doing?” he asked.

She thought about sitting in his lap. She settled for the floor beside him and laid her head on his thigh, “You know, I was mad at you and I didn’t really know why." She fingered the hem of one of his sweatpants hems. "I figured out I was mad because I thought they couldn’t make you do that to me. I thought at some point you’d stop, like before.”

“I stopped someone else. I stopped him. My job was to keep watch, make sure you stayed there, catch you if you ran. And then I heard you, trying to get him to stop. I saw you fighting him and I just threw him off of you.”

“Why?”

“it was just wrong. I’m not sure I even knew right and wrong even then, but I wasn’t thinking. I just did it. And I hated it. I hated what he was doing. I hated him.”

“Can we sit somewhere more comfortable?”

“I know just the spot,” And glanced over at the couch. 

He leaned over, “I wanna carry you.”

“Then do it.” He looked over her and moment and did as he was bidden. She stiffened when his arms went round her, but she had asked him. She’d stop him if she told him to. Up she went. He sat her on the couch, her legs over his lap. 

She lay her head on the armrest. “I’m sorry, about all of this.”

“I’m sorry, too.”

She thought about them having sex. She knew she wasn’t ready, but wouldn’t that just kickstart things? 

“Can I stay here with you? For the night?”

“Of course!” he was a little too quick to say it, a little too enthusiastic.

Allie giggled. Nervous, but no longer terrified. 

They went to his room and grabbed his mattress and lifted it into the living room. Sleeping just like they had before. Allie settled in beside him, head on his arm. His metal one folded over her. She saw flashes of days ago in her head. His hand on her back. The pain leapt into her, grating and hot. They were real and not real. She was safe with him. It was OK now. James pulled his arm back and laid it on his side. There was a very high chance he saw and felt all of that. 

He leaned close to her, whispering, “I’m so sorry.”

“I know,” her breath hitched, breaking. She’d started crying at some point, while all those memories flashed through her head. She twisted in bed and moved a few inches closer to him. She felt better and scooted in till they were flush against each other, stomach to stomach. In her head, she saw and felt warmth. She saw them sleeping on a bed they’d never slept on, snuggled up close, happy. This was coming from him. “What is that?”

“I just thought of something I want, hoping you’d feel it or something.”

“Just like the cookies!” Allie wiped her hands on he eyes. And turned around, backing into him, so they could cuddle. But it was there again. The cold room. He was heavy on her back, in her mind. This was ridiculous. She got glimmers of them at peace in his mind intercut with the horror of Sermitsiaq. Till she focused on his arm and traced a long bulging vein running the length of it. She eventually was so focused on what she was doing, she forgot everything else, pressing down on different parts, watching it immediately bounce back up from her finger. 

She thought about asking him if she was annoying him, but at some point, she fell asleep.

In the dream, Allie was in New York walking with James. His hair was shorter and he was wearing a newsboy cap, a white shirt, and suspenders. She looked down. She was wearing a wine red dress with white and blue flowers. But everything was sepia-toned. She kept smiling Their fingers laced together. 

He had the widest grin she’d ever seen him have, “You wanna see a picture, doll?”

“Thought you told me you ain’t got two pennies to rub together!” The voice she spoke with was higher pitched, with a thick Brooklyn accent. 

“I asked if you wanted to see one. I ain’t said I was gonna pay,” he smirked, devilishly. 

Everything moved around them, whooshing, blurring. And then they were in the back of a dark movie theater, the whirr of the reel clicking above them. His hand was on her knee and his lips were on her neck. Kissing her there was making it real hard not to giggle. So she clamped her hand over her own mouth, but not before catching a a few snide glances from people directly around them. In her head, she was thinking, I love you, Bucky Barnes! But she’d never say it aloud.


End file.
